In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Mumsnet is a very biased place, but I’ll give you my opinion anyway. So, it’s ok for your mum to be there, but his parents are giving you so much stress! I think it’s entirely reasonable for your in laws to come around frequently. But, it must be at a convenient time to you and they behave!

I have had a lot of major surgery. And I’ve had a child. Op’s mum was there to support her after she’d had a c-section. I understand what you’re saying but this isn’t top trumps and the game of fairness. It’s about a woman, who was incredibly vulnerable post birth, subsequently suffered from PND and whose husband and mother did not and will not advocate for her and who moreover think she should just #bekind because it’s easier for them.

Getting your midwife to have a stern talk with your dh and mum is a good idea op. I think the advice about telling the in laws how they can be useful to you and help out with your dd is a good idea. Can you have a back up plan, maybe put something on the front door and not answer it?

My mum literally did everything for us. Cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry. Everything. She will do the same this time while also helping me look after the older child. Who will be at Nursery, but still requires our care of course.

Also I'm sorry you have to go through this. Having a baby is hard enough without all this drama. You're so lucky to have your mum there though.

I could have wrote this OP. My MIL asked me why I hadn’t offered her tea or anything to eat while she ‘gave the baby the cuddles he deserves’ ….

For my second I said a firm no. I told my husband how upset I was that I never had a day away from his family for 18 days after our first was born and I told him honestly that his family ruined my newborn experience with their behaviour.
He didn’t see it because he was excited to share, I told him to push a child out and then immediately have to host people if he wanted to do it again.

Second born we just asked for a couple of days to adjust, then invited her round and specifically said ‘for half an hour’ so she was under no illusion.

I’ve posted about my struggles with her and since we stood firm ( two years too late) the relationship has got better.
Although she did tell me I’ve ruined every aspect of being a grandmother because she’s not allowed them two nights a week 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

@wardrobewarrior

My mum doesn't live here. So she's coming over to give me a hand with my older one, as my husband won't be around a lot as he works a lot and I'm having a c section. No one else is from my family will be coming over any time soon after the birth. Same as last time.

I am not favouring my mum. It's just the situation. I really need her.

Agree with OP: this is not favouring her mother over his mother to see the baby. She's there to help the OP when she'll be recovering from major surgery, not able to lift or move easily, and need help!

Anyone who doesn't understand this isn't worth the OP's time.

To me it seems that they’re doing it because your mum is there. That doesn’t make it right though. You need to get you DH to deal with them. And if they do turn up too many times, just say hello then go promptly to your room with baby for a feed/nap.

@BlueOverYellow thank you.

I totally get it how it would look if I had all my family and friends swanning in and out of here as soon as I veg out of the hospital, but that's not what will happen and that's also not what happened last time.

@Lifeismeh

I could have wrote this OP. My MIL asked me why I hadn’t offered her tea or anything to eat while she ‘gave the baby the cuddles he deserves’ ….

For my second I said a firm no. I told my husband how upset I was that I never had a day away from his family for 18 days after our first was born and I told him honestly that his family ruined my newborn experience with their behaviour.
He didn’t see it because he was excited to share, I told him to push a child out and then immediately have to host people if he wanted to do it again.

Second born we just asked for a couple of days to adjust, then invited her round and specifically said ‘for half an hour’ so she was under no illusion.

I’ve posted about my struggles with her and since we stood firm ( two years too late) the relationship has got better.
Although she did tell me I’ve ruined every aspect of being a grandmother because she’s not allowed them two nights a week 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Sorry that you had to go through that too. I find it funny that we both remember the days and number of visits. I'm glad your relationship is better now.

@NotNotNotMyName

To me it seems that they’re doing it because your mum is there. That doesn’t make it right though. You need to get you DH to deal with them. And if they do turn up too many times, just say hello then go promptly to your room with baby for a feed/nap.

My mum said it best last night when she's here for 4 days at the moment and they've felt the need to come over twice already.. she said they just hate missing out on stuff.

@User112

Mumsnet is a very biased place, but I’ll give you my opinion anyway. So, it’s ok for your mum to be there, but his parents are giving you so much stress! I think it’s entirely reasonable for your inlaws to come around frequently. But, it must be at a convenient time to you and they behave! I’m assuming they are generally nice people and treat you with kindness and respect and don’t do the whole snide remarks highly opinionated BS. If my assumption is wrong, you don’t owe them anything.

Kind and nice people are hard to come by in life and they are your husband’s parents. Don’t be mean to them. They are coming for their grand child. Can you negotiate short visits? You can stay upstairs in your room while they spend a little time with the baby and leave? Don’t push them away, offer something!

It's right there in the OP that they were snidey and accused the OP of making them feel unwelcome!

It's quite clear OP's mum doesn't live nearby, hence she's staying with them. It's also pretty obvious the in-laws are jealous of any time her mum is around as they increase their visits (even though they live nearby and I assume have much more contact with the OP's DC).

She is having major surgery and will have a toddler and newborn, she is allowed to have who she feels most comfortable with around. She's not saying the in-laws can't see the baby just that she doesn't want a repeat of last time when her needs, and by extension her baby's, were dismissed to appease the wants of two grown adults.

"Well she had to entertain them too and she could see it wasn't easy on me. But she still let it happen to keep the peace."

If her "entertaining" them left you in peace-wasn't that what she was there for?

That said, I see that she did all the cooking, cleaning & shopping & this time will be doing all that plus looking after your eldest!

Where does your husband fit into all of this?

He seems to have it easy!

Hello I’ve pm’d you as similar situation but didn’t want to not reply it’s a hard situation.

Your mum was your carer during the time and will be this time.

You inlaws are guests and a completely different dynamic.

The MIL competition would be bonkers as if you had a night nurse and MIL felt she had to show up as many times as you had a nurse there.

Imagine someone having major surgery of some type but no baby involved and inlaws showing up every day for visits. It's be considered incredibly rude.

Your DH is completely wet and it putting their comfort and feelings ahead of yours.

You will need to firmly tell them not to come. They are causing you trauma as you can clearly remember their interference.

Give them 30 minutes 2x a week strictly and take yourself off to your bedroom while they are there. They show up any other time, take yourself off to your bedroom, lock the door, and stay there.

You've received some good advice here so I won't add advice but I wanted to send a virtual hug. I had a very similar experience with my in-laws and spouse.
People can be so selfish and insensitive to new Mothers.
Wishing you well with the birth.

I get that your husband should say something
But he sounds hopeless and an issue that you’re going to have to address at some point soon
In meantime about your in laws, you need to pull up your big girl pants and basically say similar to what you’ve said on this thread

You really suffered last time and would love them to limit their visits in first fortnight but of course they are welcome a couple of times

Is this a cultural thing Op.
It's perfectly natural for your in laws to want to visit the baby but ten times in a short space of time is far too many.

Op, I hope you are not expecting child care from your inlaws at any point in the future. You can’t keep changing definitions of “family” to suit your circumstances.

Why is it that your did everything for you, the cooking etc etc? Why is it that your DH didn’t take over all that whilst you were recovering?
Why should you need to entertain your PIL, make conversation if you don’t feel up to it?

Seriously the first step is for your DH to actually step up.
The take yourself to your bedroom and stay there. You are unwell (doesn’t matter if it’s physically or baby blues etc…)! Therefore you are resting and recovering. You would t expect someone with the flu to be up and about entertaining family. So why would you expect that from yourself after giving birth??
And then Let your DH do the making teas, talking etc…. He can even take baby down to them so they have a cuddle whilst you are resting (and do all the jiggling around when they are unsettled too)

@diddl

"Well she had to entertain them too and she could see it wasn't easy on me. But she still let it happen to keep the peace."

If her "entertaining" them left you in peace-wasn't that what she was there for?

That said, I see that she did all the cooking, cleaning & shopping & this time will be doing all that plus looking after your eldest!

Where does your husband fit into all of this?

He seems to have it easy!

He has a business to run, so can take some time off, but not that much. Thank god for my mum.

I'm just remembering why my mum was so fed up of them also... because they kept waking the baby up on purpose. Or going to the baby's room while she was sleeping and talking really loudly right next to her whilst staring at her and saying ' wake up ' ' wake up '.. they were just so so excited about her that they couldn't get enough, but it was not right to disturb her like that.

She didn't get much peace when they were here. My MIL also kept talking about my breastfeeding and pushing me to keep trying and whipping my boobs out in front of everyone to show me how to do it and my mum found that horrific. So did I.

My mum didn't want me to feel the pressure of breastfeeding and openly ' failing ' at it, because she could see how much it was affecting me. She just wanted me to be left alone. So she was fed up, but thought it was more important to keep up the facade to them that she was happy for them to be there.

@User112

Op, I hope you are not expecting child care from your inlaws at any point in the future. You can’t keep changing definitions of “family” to suit your circumstances.

Why would Op want childcare from such awful people?

@AngelinaFibres

Is this a cultural thing Op. It's perfectly natural for your in laws to want to visit the baby but ten times in a short space of time is far too many.

Honestly they really were just so in love. First grandchild and they're very expressive people. They'd say they just couldn't stop dreaming about her. They just wanted to see her as much as possible. They still of course, absolutely adore her.

@User112

Op, I hope you are not expecting child care from your inlaws at any point in the future. You can’t keep changing definitions of “family” to suit your circumstances.

No. I don't expect anything from anyone. But they beg to look after my daughter now. So I know it won't put them off if they need to give me a bit of space. They have no pride about it. They love their grand kids and want to see them no matter what.

I was with you until you said your mum was there (I'm guessing staying) I understand for you your mum staying may be different but it's no surprise the other grandma may feel a little left out. Can you come up with a schedule so it's one mum one day and the other mum the next day perhaps? Or I would suggest an initial meet (for everyone) then make it clear you need a full week to recover where it's only you DH and the children.

If only they'd just call in once or twice in the early weeks and only stay 20 min max the feck off with themselves but I found people come and stay for hours at a time,I had a woman call to see me after my baby was born and she stayed 9 hours 9 hours I was wrecked,my brother had just called in to see me when she called but he was so good he stayed with me until she left ,that finished me with her

I suspect some people don't get it because we didn't suffer with baby blues/end up with PND etc. I think it's about 90% of women who have baby blues.

I'm in the 10% that don't, and my instant for reaction when reading your OP, is to wonder why it made your so upset, and why is it was bugging you, your didn't make yourself less available, just meet them it for a coffee instead or something...

Before you write me off as heartless, that's my gut reaction, then I have to run back from that, acknowledge that I didn't experience what the majority of women did, and reassess my view.

I was the weirdo who went on day trips to see friends on day 4 after section, was out at lunches with friends the first week, etc. When people talk about finding that first week difficult, I feel like we've experienced a totally different event. But obviously it's not unusual to feel like that, and I'm the unusual one. It may be that your mum son didnthe find it difficult and finds it hard to put herself in your shoes. I know I try to, but I'm just saying that I understand really. Honestly, I don't. I believe you. But I can't relate.

Hormones are really really powerful things, and can make the difference between the newborn period seeming like an amazing experience that you want to share with everyone, and wanting to retreat into your cave with your baby and rock gently together. I think it's really hard to see the other side whichever one you come from.

I'd try and find some compromise though, given your mum will be around so much. Visits a few times a week, no longer than an hour, and you can retreat upstairs and nap whilst they cuddle, for example.

This triggers memories of my own experience. But it wasn't just inlaws, it was well meaning extended family and friends as well. We had 17 separate visitors on day one!!!
The midwife eventually intervened when she saw that my husband, baby's dad had barely had a cuddle all week.

Next time round we changed the rules and were much stricter, however I had the full support of my OH.

The difference in this OP is, to quote a Mumsnet favourite "you have an OH problem"