In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

I would stay in the bedroom with the baby "resting or asleep". I would also lock the bedroom door!!!

@Buttercup54321

I would stay in the bedroom with the baby "resting or asleep". I would also lock the bedroom door!!!

Why should she be squirrelled away hiding in a corner of her own home. Don’t lock the bedroom door - lock the front gate. Enjoy your home and bonding as your new little family with your toddler and her new sibling in your OWN calm and peaceful home!

She commended me on how hard I was trying and said if she has had to try that hard to feed, she would have given up already. But MIL kept saying I need to keep trying and trying and seeing as I'm on maternity, that was now my full time job.

I cannot even being to emphasize how inappropriate and out of order your MIL was. If it happens again, she needs to be told to leave, immediately.

@TILFA

Some massive projection from you. Have you even read any of the OP's posts? Her in-laws see the GC more than her own mum.

So, I'll ask you (third time I've asked this, but not directly to you previously) in the name of equality and fairness should the OP's in-laws not see their GC when the OP's mum is at home (abroad)? Should they only be free to visit when she's around, after all if they're seeing the GC every week/few days, but OP's mum is only seeing them every few months (or however often) that's 'not fair' is it?

@BlueOverYellow

She commended me on how hard I was trying and said if she has had to try that hard to feed, she would have given up already. But MIL kept saying I need to keep trying and trying and seeing as I'm on maternity, that was now my full time job.

I cannot even being to emphasize how inappropriate and out of order your MIL was. If it happens again, she needs to be told to leave, immediately.

I definitely felt under a lot of pressure to make it work.

I guess she was trying to help and encourage and probably didn't know how it was coming across when they kept openly asking about whether I finally had milk etc in front of everyone.

I just had no idea it would be like that. This time I know. I just want to keep that stuff super private if I can. It's really not anyone's business. Only my husband really and my mum. But my mum will stay out of it anyway because she just doesn't think breastfeeding at expense of maternal mental health is worth it. She's more of the opinion, if it works it works and if it doesn't - it just doesn't.

I am completely with your mother on breastfeeding.

If it works great, if not, move on.
I breastfed 4 children and happily chose to finish at 7 months each time because that was best for me.

Try not to put yourself under so much pressure.
It really isn't good for you.

@billy1966

I am completely with your mother on breastfeeding.

If it works great, if not, move on.
I breastfed 4 children and happily chose to finish at 7 months each time because that was best for me.

Try not to put yourself under so much pressure.
It really isn't good for you.

Yeah! Some people seem to think if it doesn't work, you just didn't try hard enough.

You must be aware of your mother’s vested interests here. She’s not being neutral and sympathetic by saying ‘if breastfeeding works, fine, if not, that’s fine too.’ She’s unwilling to enable the conditions that make breastfeeding work in the first place - lots of skin to skin, focus on feeding, privacy if needed, etc. It’s hard work in the early days and takes attention - not attending to a slew of visitors like in my culture.

For some people, the mother breastfeeding is a big inconvenience if it means that they don’t get their own precious cuddles with the grandchild, a chance to do some bottle feeding, etc. The mother is perceived as selfish for holing herself away to feed the baby.

This doesn’t mean anything negative if you choose not to breastfeed. Just be aware that people’s comments about feeding can be laced with self-interest.

“My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss.”

Sorry but I have no idea how your mother and ‘maternal mental health’ even fit into the same sentence, based on these comments.

@Lucidas

“My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss.”

Sorry but I have no idea how your mother and ‘maternal mental health’ even fit into the same sentence, based on these comments.

Agreed

My mother would never even have said this this
And i sure as heck would never ever say to me daughter

Basically she’s telling the op to shut up with her worries

@wardrobewarrior just to second the comments people have made about getting the breastfeeding conditions right. I agree with your mum's sentiment that breastfeeding's not worth making yourself miserable over if it doesn't work out, however I don't think that's what your wanting to do by any means - you're just wanting to get the best possible conditions you can to see if it can work this time.

I think that is likely to mean having relaxed, no pressure, lovely cosy time with your newborn. This is where a feeding coordinator person (as mentioned before) could come in handy as they can reassure you about things like your milk supply in ways that family are unlikely to be able to (for example mine was able to observe me feeding and say 'actually there's absolutely nothing wrong with your supply', when my family and HV made me feel that there was because I never had leaky boobs). Even a local breastfeeding peer support group could help you assess how it's going. That then helps you relax which is a positive cycle as it promotes all the hormones.

Family can make themselves useful here by respecting your privacy, dropping off snacks, taking your toddler out etc

Op if you want to BF then lots of rest and skin to skin esp in those early weeks. Take to your bed if you need to.

You asked how long is it reasonable to ask MIL to wait.
I think a short visit after you get home or the next day is probably reasonable. But at the end of that I'd be asserting that you'll see them in 3 days time, "pop back round on x day" if they come back before then go to BF in peace.

Older babies are good at latching and not leaving you exposed tiny babies need lots of help to get on and leave you exposed.

You could also drop some hints about enjoying some special 121 time with your Mum and how they see much more of DD than your own mum does.

I think your ils are very unfair to keep visiting considering they can call anytime they want to in the coming weeks/months and should just let your mother get on with the task of helping you out.And your mum will be helping with a toddler this time round so she will be busy enough without having to entertain constant repeat guests

Rightio, yanbu and it's ok to say no Thankyou to visits, you know what you don't want as it's a vulnerable and special time with newborn

First things first, PILs need to be told that a short visit only to see new baby & they can't pop over multiple times a week like last time- so not to tire you out nor overwhelm you n baby. You'll invite them but don't turn up uninvited please.

Blimey, you have been an absolute saint! It is good that you are preparing to tackle the issue before the birth, and there is lots of excellent advice for you in the posts. I agree that you should invite the in-laws over for a specified short visit, tea & cake if your mum’s on hand to waitress, the day after you return from hospital, making it clear that you then want 7 days before you have any more visits, but you would love them to take your other child out to play etc. That will give you the chance to rest, recuperate, get feeding established etc. If you are still wobbly after 7 days, explain that the next visit has to also be short. Your health & the baby’s are of paramount importance. Your husband, and to some extent your mum, are not being supportive of you, and although you have tried to be clear you need to reaffirm your thoughts. If the in-laws turn up uninvited, just excuse yourself and go to your bedroom where you can rest. Husband can bring the baby up when a feed is being demanded. Don’t put yourself under the pressure of being dressed & primped during first weeks of baby’s life, just relax and enjoy every day with your children.

@Hiphophippityskip1

So it’s ok for your mum to be there but not his? I had an emergency section and day I came home all my partners family and mum came Roy d for a bbq and to meet the baby. It was lovely of them and v relaxed. I just popped off when I needed to and they set and cleared the whole day. Child 2 another section and my mum my sister and her two toddlers were staying. All mucked in. Child 3 came home to a family welcome party. On none of these occasions did I have to lift a finger and came and went for feeds/rests when I wanted. I k ow most mumsnetters hate their parents In laws unless they want free childcare but our family is big, noisy supportive and always getting g together and we all love it. Your oil are just excited and keen to help and spend time with their grandchild.

How lovely. For you.

Not everyone has lovely helpful family members who muck in and don't mind if you come and go with the baby.

Not everyone is up to a noisy house after a C-section.

The assumption that :

what you want = what everyone should want

is something you should examine before you become a MIL.

“So it’s ok for your mum to be there but not his?”

Umm, yes? On occasion?

Eg if you’re bfing and engorged with your boobs out, you might be OK with your mum there, but not someone else’s mum.

@Hiphophippityskip1
How lovely for you, personally I wanted peace to bring my babies home. But never got it. Both times different people put their wants before mine. Really unfair!

I think a sign on the door for first 3 or so weeks is a great idea

"NEW BABY MAY BE SLEEPING
Please don't knock or turn up uninvited. Please text me and wait to arrange a time as we may all be exhausted and sleeping "

Also put your keys in front door lock on inside / security chain on door and turn off the door bell/ tape up the knocker so that no one disturbs you!!!

Put a secure box outside for postman to use

My rule for people having spare keys is that:- if I'm home they knock and wait for me to answer. If they are expected and I don't answer after they knock for a while, they can let themselves in. If I'm out and they have good reason to go round they can let themselves in. If I am home they are uninvited and I don't answer but they let themselves in anyway, or don't bother to knock, they do not get to keep keys to my house, I'd rather give a spare set to neighbours ... it's my house and my sanctuary...

I think what I find so sad about this post is ops inability to stand up for herself.
She's having a second child and DH has prioritised work over stepping up as a dad for a week or two . Her own mother is happy to step in to help but feels op must put up and shut up over mil visits.
They visited the other night and op felt she couldn't say ' look I'm about to drop please go home so I can rest.
Sorry op start making yourself herd .

Had a good chat with the husband last night who said it's not a problem to tell them to await to be invited this time. They'll just have to deal with it and understand that it will take time and privacy for me to recover. Especially because we have a toddler as well. So I feel quite relieved!

Let's hope that they stick to it!

I'm glad he's taking it on board but united front and I'd still try to tell them I'll see you on x day when they leave making it clear that is when you next expect to see them.

That’s really good to hear. When is he going to warn them about this? They sound like the sort of people who will need to be told a few times before it sinks in.