In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

I'm so sorry to hear you were treated like this OP It's not acceptable at all. I know the feeling of being unable to speak up for yourself in the days post-birth and it is horrible.

Your mum is wrong in saying you have to allow your in-laws into your space - it has to be on your terms, in your own time. Anything else is overstepping the mark, and if people were to do it once you've made your wishes clear then I would suggest it's borderline abusive, as the postnatal period is a vulnerable time in anyone's life. Definitely speak to your midwife and health visitor about how it affected everything last time and how they can help you to start putting boundaries in place now.

I found the Milli hill and Amy Brown Positive Birth and Positive Breastfeeding (if you are thinking of trying it again) books really helpful and they emphasise the importance of privacy, having uninterrupted time to do skin-to-skin etc, and how this can conflict with some peoples' ideas about visiting (but basically they need to back off and there'll be time for them to bond with baby later). You need and deserve time to enjoy your baby. If people genuinely want to be supportive during that time they can bring meals, do the shopping, help with your older DC etc. It might be different to other experiences they might have had of bottle-feeding new babies in the past but it's every bit (if not more) supportive of the bigger feeding picture for people to help in these ways.

If your husband refuses to help you keep them away this time, perhaps take matters into your own hands. When they come round , say how glad you are as they can look after toddler whilst you try to crack on with breast feeding in your bedroom. Do this every time. The visits will slow down.

Hmm has your dh wholeheartedly promised to support him? If not, I’d find a suitable cheap local hotel and move to it now, to suss it out for packing a bag and staying for a few days if he doesn’t deliver on supporting you this time. If the rule is in laws only in afternoon, if it’s 10am and they knock on the door and Dh says come in and sits them down, you phone to book to stay the next few nights. If the only person in your marriage who’s supporting you is you, you have to do it for two when you’ve just had a baby.

Just for context, my own family didn’t visit baby for about three weeks as (luckily) they were concerned about getting in the way etc When they met baby it was lovely and they have never had any problem bonding with baby and having a nice relationship. I say this because of the amount of comments saying to let your in-laws visit the day after you get back from hospital. I had an ELC to and absolutely don’t do this you will be exhausted. Let them visit on your terms when you are ready. It’s not a hardship, and if they are normally semi-decent people it won’t affect anyone’s relationship long term.

You hold all the cards because if they want to keep seeing the baby they need to be civil and reasonable.

Why is it ok for your mum to be there all the time but your DH's mum can't come over?

DH should sit his parents down and say

'We appreciate your support blah blah blah. Just a heads up that We'll be lying low when the baby comes this time, we learned last time that we do better with fewer visits while we're all finding our feet. Thank you for understanding, we'll certainly make sure we have regular visits while I'm home so we can all catch up.'

And then he deals with any aftermath of that. They're his cheeky parents.

I think some people (definitely my in laws) have low emotional intelligence/maturity/awareness and they don't read the room very well. IF they were sensitive or sensible people they would have seen that you weren't up for visits on the days you looked blue. Don't wait for them to figure out what you need/want, it's not their strength.

Spell it out for people like that. That can save the relationship. If they try in good faith to accomodate what you want then that's great, they mean well and they're trying. That bodes well long term. But if they keep demanding what they want and doing what they do then I guess you have your answers about what to expect from them and you can change your own behaviour accordingly

@LndnGrl you sound like a troll. You have no right to tell anyone what they can feel devastated about.

@LndnGrl you've perhaps not experienced PND or baby blues - devastating is putting it lightly, I heard it described as 'apocalyptic' and that's probably more accurate (but still not quite adequate).

@Moveorstay2022

Why is it ok for your mum to be there all the time but your DH's mum can't come over?

If and when my husband has a baby he has grown pulled out of him, a 7 inch abdominal wound and the responsibility of feeding a human from his leaking veining engorged breasts, he's welcome to have his mother over any time of day to support him.

I won't be offended if my mother doesn't get the same front row seat. I would respect that he has earned some privacy and support from people he feels comfortable seeking support from. Not the maddening crowd.

Nothing about pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding is fair and equal between the sexes.

I say that as a mother of three sons. I will wait my turn because babies don't turn into pumpkins after the newborn stage, there is lots of love and time to be had and I'll get a much better look in by being respectful and supportive than I will barging in and expecting DIL to give me a blow by blow of how her milk expressing it what have you is going.

I didn't have problems with people visiting but I did resent some of the ways my husband didn't support me when the babies were small and I felt very low. I would say it's not just a problem for now as I'm still cross about that lack of support and understanding understanding 20 years later!
Can you use some covid type worries to limit visits? Speak to your midwife and see if she can suggest you need proper peace and quiet for first weeks.

I know this probably isn’t helpful but I can’t help but asked - at your most vulnerable time your husband let you down horrifically and displayed quite how low you come in the list of people whose feelings he cared about. Yet you’re having another of his babies??? How are you even still together never mind putting yourself in the same position again? He is scum and this is a problem that shouldn’t really have come up again because he showed himself to be a terrible husband and father and not someone anyone should choose to be vulnerable with. Yet here you are again. Sorry but I think you can only expect exactly the same again unless you move out before the birth.

There might be less feeling of 'novelty' this time around, so hopefully they won't be visiting as much - plus a busy toddler to contend with. Like a pp suggested, hand them the toddler and take yourself off for some privacy.
Your husband needs to back you up on this though.

Your post hits the nail on the head and I really don’t understand why many women don’t get this? It’s disappointing.

@Ivyonafence

Obviously when you become a mum you can’t need your own mum in the same way because it’s not fair on the other grandparent 🙄

This is awful, I cannot imagine how stressful that was for you.

I totally agree with getting your midwife and heath visitor on board. Be candid with them and ask if they can explain in no uncertain terms the effect of visitors in the first few weeks.

I'm angry on your behalf. Although you may find your in laws are less interested... My first baby the in-laws and sister in law descended on the hospital on the same day as my C-section. My second my parents in law visited the next day, my sister in law a few weeks later. My 3rd, my parents in law visited after 10 days and my sister in law after 7 weeks...

Mumsnet is a very biased place, but I’ll give you my opinion anyway. So, it’s ok for your mum to be there, but his parents are giving you so much stress!
I think it’s entirely reasonable for your inlaws to come around frequently. But, it must be at a convenient time to you and they behave! I’m assuming they are generally nice people and treat you with kindness and respect and don’t do the whole snide remarks highly opinionated BS. If my assumption is wrong, you don’t owe them anything.

Kind and nice people are hard to come by in life and they are your husband’s parents. Don’t be mean to them. They are coming for their grand child. Can you negotiate short visits? You can stay upstairs in your room while they spend a little time with the baby and leave? Don’t push them away, offer something!

When baby needs feeding, go upstairs. And have a nap if you want. You and baby aren’t there to entertain them.
I was so fed up with my in-laws attitude, they told us that they didn’t think we should be having another baby, that we banned them from visiting in hospital. And when they came for their first visit baby was asleep in the Moses basket, and I didn’t get him out for them to hold !

Had similar first time around, took one thing to fix it, they and DH had fair warning first.

All through my pregnancy Inlaws announced they would be there at the birth and daily after... and whilst I knew I could rely on the midwives to control what they did at the hospital, I knew home would be a lot harder to control.

I warned DH that I would be leaving the house with Dc EVERY time they came uninvited. He told them this and they scoffed and turned up anyway: the following took place:

They arrive unannounced,
I inform husband that he knew the score
I packed nappy bag, and having warned best friend, arrived at her house and stayed whilst husband called my parents to try to scare them into thinking I had lost my mind and absconded with DC.

Dear reader, they had been informed, and told him he needed to get his parents to ASK to come round, or wait to be invited. A d that if he was going to defend his parents, rather than stand up to his wife, then they would ensure that 1- I had somewhere to live and 2- reminded him that I am vulnerable due to having just given birth and he needs to give his head a wobble and set things right before I decide to leave him.

In-laws argued that it was unfair (before anyone asks, my parents live abroad, and didn’t actually need DC for around 6 months) and I told DH that I would see him in the morning as I need some space where I feel comfortable since he was allowing his parents to break the boundaries we had attempted to set in stone before DC arrived.

End result. Inlaws went, and after, they were not invited back until we were both bonded with DC and ready for visitors.

What did those ten times look like? If your mum was staying and your DH was on paternity leave, I can see why they would think popping around for an hour most days was a reasonable thing to do. Different if they were there all day or expecting hot meals etc.

I know they wound you up, but if my FIL said that he would be trying to help me buck up a bit. It wouldn't help and would drive me crazy but it genuinely would be meant with the best of intentions, not a dig.

You can't ban them for weeks and have your mum stay, so you need to approach this strategically. When chat turns to the baby say "To be honest I'm dreading the early days, I found it so hard last time. I'm just hoping we get through that a bit quicker this time and we get to the point we're enjoying having people round and showing the baby off. My heart sank every time the doorbell rang last time." And gradually return to this topic every time you see them in the hopes they get a hint.

The ideas about asking them to take your eldest out and inviting them for a takeaway a few days hence are good ones. They probably have no idea they were unhelpful last time.

Kind and nice people are hard to come by in life and they are your husband’s parents. Don’t be mean to them.

Why is it mean to ask for a bit of space? A few days to readjust, for your body to heal, to get feeding established, to sleep when you can and not think about anyone else’s feelings or needs beyond the baby’s.

I hate it when people describe as 'laid back' those who are actually Cowards/spineless/selfish/don't have your back.
Your husband is all of those things, I don't imagine he'll change, so I'm afraid you're going to have to be very assertive here. It is utterly unacceptable if you don't want them there. Your wants absolutely trump theirs in this situation. Put yourself first.
Write it down in a letter if need be, hand it to them all, and go out.

@HarleyBarnes that is admirable.
For the record my dh had to have a word with his parents which he did as soon as I asked him to.