In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

* No. I don't expect anything from anyone.*

The one person that you should expect something from - is your husband

But not ONCE have you addressed an questions or comments about him

Ten times in two weeks is far too much for a new mother. You have to put your foot down, op.

You say even your mother was fed up with them last time but does that mean you didn't mind your mum being there but you did mind them? That's a tricky one.

I wouldn't mind them coming round if they didn't stay too long or chat too much, and if they did things to help, eg cooking and tidying, that sort of thing. I'd absent myself to bed with my baby some of that time which is quite normal.

You have to be strong and firm now, before the baby is born, because you'll be vulnerable after the birth. Set the ground rules and stick to them, what you are asking is not at all unreasonable. However a lot depends on what sort of people they are and what they do when at yours.

Remarks can hurt you post natally, I remember being very sensitive at that time; however people often speak carelessly and don't mean things.

Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren

When my DD was born, I had probably spent time with MIL on about 20 occasions. We’d been together for ten years, but always lived several hours from the ILs, so saw them a couple of times a year. We got on well, and liked each other a lot, but I certainly didn’t have the close relationship with her that I had with my own mum, and would not have felt comfortable with her seeing me fall to pieces after DD was born. Even if you all live in the same place, if DC arrive early on in a relationship you may not know your ILs that well.

Now my DC are teens and we chat on the phone a lot, though still don’t see much of her. 25 years into our relationship I really love her, she is my family not his, and I feel very supported by her. (Though, actually, I know that if DH and I ever split she would entirely take his side, whatever the circs, because he’s her actual son and I’m just his wife).

@wardrobewarrior

My mum doesn't live here. So she's coming over to give me a hand with my older one, as my husband won't be around a lot as he works a lot and I'm having a c section. No one else is from my family will be coming over any time soon after the birth. Same as last time.

I am not favouring my mum. It's just the situation. I really need her.

There is nothing wrong with favouring your own Mum anyway!

Of course you can say no, and in similar circumstances I would be supporting my daughter and telling her so. Social obligation be damned.

She got your boobs out?! Stand up for yourself, that is horrific! Please don’t tolerate that, anyone touching me would be shoved away and told to fuck off, how dare she?! I’d scream if anyone did that to me. If your Dh won’t stick up for you, you will need to.

They sound jealous of your mum. Maybe try explicitly telling them your mum is there to support you , not take control of the baby. I get that you’re feeling shit after major surgery, but you need to tell them they don’t get to wake up the baby/go in it’s room. They sound beyond outrageous.

Put a sign on front door "Sleeping, please do not disturb"... Or just don't answer the door?

Yes, all of the things OP's mil probably also went through to give birth to her husband, ironically. I'm sure her MIL remembers how hard it is. I just think it's a bit off to get annoyed at constant visits from in laws but then have your mum staying with you day and night.
Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren

And yet she's unable to show OP any compassion. If she remembered how hard it was why in earth would she visit 10 times in 2 weeks, then berate OP for making her feel 'unwelcome'. Surely if she remembered she'd understand the hormones, the overwhelming early days, the need for peace, rest and comfort. Why would she be waking a sleeping baby? Why would she be grilling the OP about bf and breaching her personal space by whipping out her boobs.

OP has made it perfectly clear she has a relationship with her in-laws and that they see a lot of her daughter.

All she is asking for is a bit of space to recover without being overwhelmed. She's not said no visits ever. She simply doesn't want a repeat of last time.

As for her mum she is there for her child. To care for her daughter who has just been through major surgery. She's caring for her child so that child can care for her newborn baby. There is a difference.

My biggest regret after my son was born was that I felt I had to be up and dressed and allow family over . I mean so many people . Looking back now I should have been in my PJs relaxing . I had a c
Section and I was exhausted and emotional but I felt I would come across badly if I said no ( especially to my in-laws)

I’ve learnt that you don’t need permission from other people .
Clearly your in laws can’t see and respect your need for space .
Your husband clearly can’t understand it either ( mine can’t !)
So this time - I am saying this

Baby has been born and is safe and well . ( I pray this is the case)
I am however suffering so have been instructed to rest at home with baby .
Once I am ready we will invite you all over to see baby ! Thank you so much for your support.

Then after a week / people can come over for a few hours . Then I will say-
Thank you so much for your visit. It was brilliant. I am absolutely exhausted and once am feeling ready will invite you all to return !

I don’t care what anyone thinks. If my family/ in-laws / husband can’t respect that then shame on them !

You don’t have to ask permission .
Set your boundaries xxx enjoy your baby xxxx

Your DH sounds useless and it seems like you’ve turned your mother into a husband substitute in response. If the people around you aren’t going to help you defend your boundaries then you’re going to have to do it for yourself.

Oh gosh just reading back on your posts again and I missed the part where MIL whipped your books out in front of them all😢😥🤷that is unbelievably outrageous, you should have stuck your boob in her mouth and said take that mother fucker🤣is that alright for you

@NdefH81

* No. I don't expect anything from anyone.*

The one person that you should expect something from - is your husband

But not ONCE have you addressed an questions or comments about him

I've actually said in my opening post how I've Never forgiven him for putting me in that position with his parents.

It's completely out of line and HE is the one who needs to say something. But seeing as he didn't last time, I'm not sure he will. His parents are very dramatic and can be toxic and hard to reason with. They believe they have some sort of divine RIGHT to their grand kids and I think my DH was not mature enough last time to tell them what's what. When he stands up for me, they tell him he's betraying me. Things have changed since the last baby and I really hope that he has the guts to do it this time. But it's not easy when your parents know how to pull at your guilt strings like that. It takes time to be able to see through all of that. So the first port of call is HIM telling them. But in the absence of that ( hopefully not ) I will !

Just say no?! And stay in bedroom with baby?

“You’ve never forgiven him”
But where’s the actual action In that response?

I would think they see your Mum is there so why shouldn't they be ?

OP, I think speak to your midwife and she can explain to your DH why you need space and peace for the first weeks after the birth based on what happened last time.

You need to advocate for yourself if your DH is too weak/selfish to do so. Put a limit on when the IL can come over and for how long. If they don’t like it, then they don’t come. Be firm. As others have said stay in your bedroom with a good book, Netflix series and the baby as you a bonding, BFing or doing skin to skin.

We stopped seeing ILs for about three months when DD was 3 months old as they kept inviting themselves to stay for mini breaks where they did nothing and we ran around like idiots. I’d also had a c-section and didn’t want to host people who brought not so much as a packet of tea bags with them.

When we finally did see them again they stayed in a hotel (only 1 night and not the 3 when they came to us!) and it was much better.

Clear boundaries will make for better relationships in the long run. Without, you will just seethe with resentment and then blow! The relationship will be properly damaged then.

Good luck with your new baby and enjoy those early days.

Op you need to defending yourself here
Lie if necessary say you and the newborn have cornooa

I had this but worse first time around, nothing second time because we didn't tell them.

I'm appalled that people treat New mother's like this I really am.

^^ Very good Idea about mw

I don’t if you’re south-Asian, but your inlaw dynamics and husband’s attitude to it all sounds like our very typical south Asian culture, especially insisting on being around as much as your mum is, even though they are useless and it’s nothing like having your mum around to help you and your useless husband.
In our culture, it’s traditional for the woman to go stay at her mum’s for 4 weeks postpartum, to get respite and basically be pampered by her family so she’s free of household chores etc- is this an option for you at all? So you go to your mum’s rather than her being at yours? Especially since you’re husband doesn’t help much anyway, you’re probably better off going there?

@wardrobewarrior

How far away does you mum live?

How about your in-laws?

If your mum can't help you then she doesn't need to be there so send her home. Your dh probably feels that if your mum is there his parents have a right to be too. Tell them all to bugger off and after your last experience you need some time. I'd also tell your midwife or hv who can have a word with or infront of your dh to say that it isn't acceptable.

I'd learn to answer back. When your inlaws said you made them feel unwelcome after the birth of your first child you should have responded with how they made you feel. Reminding them that as the mother the person that gave birth and recovering they placed undue pressure on you and made your life difficult.

I used to be like you and would let the inlaws say their peace but never explain how they made me feel, partly because I couldn't explain myself without getting frustrated and angry. I worked on it and dh be damned am able to say my peace. I also made it clear to my dh that he had chosen to make a lifelong commitment to me and if he couldn't support my wishes when I was at my most vulnerable he could go back to his parents house. Best of luck to you.

@newbiename

I would think they see your Mum is there so why shouldn't they be ?

Because her mum is there to care for her after she's been through major surgery.

@coinkidinks

I don’t if you’re south-Asian, but your inlaw dynamics and husband’s attitude to it all sounds like our very typical south Asian culture, especially insisting on being around as much as your mum is, even though they are useless and it’s nothing like having your mum around to help you and your useless husband. In our culture, it’s traditional for the woman to go stay at her mum’s for 4 weeks postpartum, to get respite and basically be pampered by her family so she’s free of household chores etc- is this an option for you at all? So you go to your mum’s rather than her being at yours? Especially since you’re husband doesn’t help much anyway, you’re probably better off going there?

We are not south Asian. I would love to go to my mums ! But she's in another country. But that would be ideal. I would have loved to have given birth to both of my kids in my home country, but my DH didn't want that to happen. He wants them born here and he also wouldn't be able to be around as much etc if they would be born abroad. So it just didn't seem fair to insist on that. Ideally that's what I wanted to do though !

[quote ILoveYou3000]@wardrobewarrior

How far away does you mum live?

How about your in-laws?[/quote]
One hour flight away.

I wondered if you are South Asian too like me because this all sounds very familiar and was typical of my first experience when I had dd1. @coinkidinks not all of us can go to our mums, lucky you if you could. Mine works and couldn't take that much rime off, she also lives in England whilst I'm in Scotland and the transfer of care could have meant that myself and baby missed midwife and hv appointments that were important.