In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

Ten times in two weeks, that’s ridiculous!

Honestly, if it was me, I’d give it two days and if I saw a repeat of the behaviour I’d pack myself off to a friends, air b n b or my Mums. Get that extra layer of bonderies in place.

I do sympathise, I had a very similar experience with my first and pregnant with my second. I'm telling our families we are having no visitors at all until we're/I'm ready. My mum was out put out initially as she thinks she was helping (holding the baby while I make her a cup of tea and giving the baby back as soon as her tea cools down, then listening to her offloading all her none existent problems/where she's going on holiday while I could be bed isn't helping). We still have work to do with the in-laws as the message hasn't gotten across, but I just wanted to say I do get it and you are not being unreasonable. Vent here as families don't get it and you do need to get the anger out as it eats away at you.

Of course the ILs want to visit.

But they don't seem to understand about Op having had surgery & needing help herself as well as trying to establish feeding.

Why didn't they think to cook & clean whilst they were there for example?

My pfb was in NICU.

ILs turned up to visit, I was bfeeding, husband told them & that he would tell them when I had finished.

"Oh it's OK" says FIL "we don't mind".

Some people have no idea.

@User112

Op, I hope you are not expecting child care from your inlaws at any point in the future. You can’t keep changing definitions of “family” to suit your circumstances.

So unless OP puts her needs aside to appease the wants of her in-laws that means she's not treating them like family? How are they showing her any thought or care?

She's not banning them. She simply wants some consideration and to be allowed time to recover and bond in peace.

"She didn't get much peace when they were here. My MIL also kept talking about my breastfeeding and pushing me to keep trying and whipping my boobs out in front of everyone to show me how to do it and my mum found that horrific. So did I"

That is totally horrific. For that alone I would be putting in very firm boundaries. I mean who does something like that. Obviously your Mil does but who else would actually think that would be something you would do.

I would mention this to your midwife along with everything else. She will be horrified as well.
Where was your DH when she did this. He should have given her a really stern reprimand. In fact he should have asked them to leave at once.

I think you should consider talking this all
through with an independent person
Maybe ask your HV or midwife

Also with 2nd and subsequent children there normally much less time spent all at home,because of your other child and keeping her in a routine

Your needs count too. You can “make a fuss” aka stand up for what you want. I would feel like moving to another country.

Did they do anything useful at least when visiting? Wash a few cups, make you a sandwich etc? That is minimum standards with a newborn and a CS.

Good luck

@wardrobewarrior I really feel for you. Can I ask where the HV was in all of this? Or the Midwives? Things changed where I am in the few years between littles. Every single visit they spoke to me and checked on my mental health. I am sure they will speak to your Husband and Mum about the support you need. They clearly have no idea of the ramifications and years long damage this can do. Hopefully hearing it from a professional may help?

You need to speak up for yourself now. Send a letter if necessary. Say last time the difficulty of recovering from Labour and a Caesarian, establishing breastfeeding, coping with a lack of sleep and dealing with post natal depression was compounded by a constant presence of visitors in the house. After discussions about your health with your health visitor and midwife (which you should do by the way and a guarantee they will support you in this) you have decided that you will not be repeating the same experience. This time guests will be by invitation only and they should anticipate visiting once in the first week and once in the second week. This is not to exclude them. There will be many happy years of bonding ahead so they must not worry. This is about your health and your hope for a better postnatal experience this time.

@Ivyonafence

"If and when my husband has a baby he has grown pulled out of him, a 7 inch abdominal wound and the responsibility of feeding a human from his leaking veining engorged breasts, he's welcome to have his mother over any time of day to support him."

Yes, all of the things OP's mil probably also went through to give birth to her husband, ironically. I'm sure her MIL remembers how hard it is. I just think it's a bit off to get annoyed at constant visits from in laws but then have your mum staying with you day and night.
Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren

Op if baby is asleep they don't go in the nursery, they don't touch your breasts to feed .
You need to learn to say no , why are you letting them walk all over you.
I would also start bulk cooking, buying easy cook meals ready for after the birth that way you won't be as reliant on your mom . It doesn't matter if you don't keep up with housework .

It’s honestly burned in my brain OP, because I was so bitter and angry about the situation I felt I had no control over. When in reality I just had to put my foot down!
The over all relationship is better but I have no contact with my MIL. She’s she the grandchildren because she is a good person, she’s just an awful mother in law. 😂

@brainhurts

Op if baby is asleep they don't go in the nursery, they don't touch your breasts to feed . You need to learn to say no , why are you letting them walk all over you. I would also start bulk cooking, buying easy cook meals ready for after the birth that way you won't be as reliant on your mom . It doesn't matter if you don't keep up with housework .

Absolutely this.

@wardrobewarrior you need to advocate for yourself. You need to say no. You have to say exactly what you want. You need to stand up not only for yourself, but for the little baby that will arrive soon! Sod them if that offends them!!

Oh love I feel for you that sounds horrible. I was dreading the Same thing happening as my in-laws can be overbearing and DD is their first grandchild. In the end we spent a week in hospital, got home and the next day tested positive for covid and had to isolate for 10 days at home. Whilst we did want visitors towards the end it was pure bliss being the three of us.

Personally I was preparing to send a group message to those who I knew would be overbearing as I didn't want to have the face to face confrontation late on in what was a Terrible pregnancy. I was going to say something along the lines of 'WE know you are excited to see baby but please give us time to adjust once we get home. We will invite you round to meet him/her once we are settled.'

The intention was to then give them a choice of two days each week to choose from to visit and that's worked so far. We have each of them one day a week.

I get the whole 'its his parents he needs to speak up' thing but he obviously doesn't want to upset them/have the backbone. This is going to have to be something you do and take the hit being the evil Dil. Make sure when you do tell them you say 'we'.

I hope it works out better for you this time and good luck with the birth.

[quote Moveorstay2022]@Ivyonafence

"If and when my husband has a baby he has grown pulled out of him, a 7 inch abdominal wound and the responsibility of feeding a human from his leaking veining engorged breasts, he's welcome to have his mother over any time of day to support him."

Yes, all of the things OP's mil probably also went through to give birth to her husband, ironically. I'm sure her MIL remembers how hard it is. I just think it's a bit off to get annoyed at constant visits from in laws but then have your mum staying with you day and night.
Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren[/quote]
I think for a lot of people their own mothers understand them and are helpful. Their MIL don’t understand them.
I’m one of those. My mother could read me and she helped with cooking, dogs, washing, shopping where’s my mother in law just said ‘oh you need me to hold the baby while you do some washing don’t you’ … so I think it’s more about a mother/daughter relationship being more comfortable than in laws not being allowed to be involved.
(Coming from someone who had tied so hard to let their MIL be a part of their lives and had it thrown in my face multiple times untill she ‘finally got her grandchild from me’)

PS a friend who is a biologist once gave me a piece of advice:

There is a reason why you feel this way. You never see a grandma cat with newborn grandkittens. Newborns are meant to be with their mothers, not passed around the whole time. Your mother is there to support you and make sure your health is ok while you look after the baby. They want to possess the baby and have shown no understanding that your health is important. So while you are recovering you call the shots - short infrequent visits are best.

Just set them to work! You don't need to entertain them, assuming they are not infirm in any way. Give them your other child, directions to the park and a snack and off they go. And have a list of stuff you need doing round the house for when they come back - shoppping too.Tell them you are going to have a siesta with the baby. Either you will never see them again or you will be setting things up for the next ten years.
When you have two little ones, it's all hands on deck. I had the most reluctant grandparents in the world ( my parents), but even they had to man up.

Agree times when they can visit. If they want more visits or visits at times that don’t suit you then tell them it’s not convenient and keep repeating it. They are being selfish. Don’t let ruin the experience for you second time around. My mil did this to me when I had my first baby. What should have been a special time bonding with a baby I’d struggled over 4 years of tests and ivf treatment to have was overshadowed by the stress that she and my sister-in-laws caused me. The second time around I put my foot down.

My in-laws visited first when baby was a few weeks old. They had plenty of pictures but understood those early days weren’t a time to visit. Yes, my mum was with me before them, but that wasn’t to hog the baby, it was to help me after a traumatic birth.

Put your foot down and tell them you won’t be having any visitors until Day X. Then explain your priority is baby and yourself and ask them to text first. Set a limit for visit lengths too and go to your room with baby when you feel you’ve had enough.

Really your DH should be sensitive to your needs. It seems he’s not. Perhaps you need to explain more explicitly and arrange to give him cues if he’s unable to notice himself.

[quote Moveorstay2022]@Ivyonafence

"If and when my husband has a baby he has grown pulled out of him, a 7 inch abdominal wound and the responsibility of feeding a human from his leaking veining engorged breasts, he's welcome to have his mother over any time of day to support him."

Yes, all of the things OP's mil probably also went through to give birth to her husband, ironically. I'm sure her MIL remembers how hard it is. I just think it's a bit off to get annoyed at constant visits from in laws but then have your mum staying with you day and night.
Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren[/quote]
I have lovely in laws and thought they would be very similar to my parents when I had dc1. They weren’t - it was very clear when they visited that my mum turned up for me , but they turned up for the baby. They were staying with us, and mil took baby from first thing in the night till bedtime, reluctantly handing dc1 back for feeds at intervals, leaving me baby free to run around cooking for them and cleaning the house. I was horrified. And they are truly lovely , are amazing grandparents now and would also be horrified to know how awful I thought that visit was. But they weren’t there for me- my mum helped me. Chopped up my food so I could eat while feeding, did washing etc, and treasured the cuddles I was happy to share. i really thought my inlaws would be the same, but there’s no comparison.

Reading your more recent updates of the specifics of their behaviour has made me feel that you have been physically and emotionally violated. They have assaulted your body and humiliated your efforts at breastfeeding at a very vulnerable time.

They have not treated you or your baby with dignity, kindness or respect. Their overbearing excitable behaviour is self serving and emotionally dysregulated and bizarre.

You are 100% correct to consider how things will be different and better for you and your new born this time round. Protecting and investing in your MH in the short term in the early days will give you all long term benefits.

Decide exactly what you need and want and have zero concerns expressing that and implementing it calmly and assertively. Communicate it right now - well ahead.

Never be a people pleaser to keep the peace - it’s bad for your health and is inadvertently inauthentic. Good mutually respectful boundaries also build more equal relationships.

You need to be really clear with yourself what you need and want and be confident that you, your baby and your experience of motherhood deserve this and take priority.

Start from there. It sounds like you had a very difficult time last time post birth physically and mentally - speak with your MW / GP do some thinking about what you need in place to make this a much better experience and then do it.

The ILs seem ridiculously overbearing - it seems your DH just puts up with their behaviour to save his own discomfort rather than considering yours. Be as selfish as him - make your discomfort a priority.

He can’t see that their behaviour is OTT because this is his “normal” - but you don’t have to tolerate it.

Don’t be worried about conflict or confrontation - that just stops you expressing your preferences and needs - just calmly think through what you need and tell everyone

@Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase
You should have put your foot up 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter.

"Oh, ILs, you you did understand you were not welcome?"

If your DH is spineless, I don't see any other options than you standing up for yourself. They get offended? Tough, they don't seem to care too much about how a woman who has just given birth and struggling with PND feels.

The best idea is probably to invite them on a particular date and time. They are probably delighted at being grandparents and maybe feel a little pushed out by your mum.

When you’ve given birth, ask them to have DD 1 every third day or cook a meal every third day to help and see them them.