In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

@Moveorstay2022

Why is it ok for your mum to be there all the time but your DH's mum can't come over?

How many women do you know who have the same relationship with their MIL as with their own mother?

I get it it did sound like too much and inconsiderate but Unless your mother lives with you it does sound like there are double standards here

@Ivyonafence beautifully put 👏 completely agree! People loose their minds when a baby is born, and don't stop for two minutes to think about the woman who has just given birth and could be tired, in pain and overwhelmed.....as long as they get a baby cuddle that's all that matters right?

Gosh OP that sounds awful.
I'll tell you why they come round so much when your DM is there. Because it's a competition and they are keeping score. She must not see the baby more than your DM does.
Maybe re think your DM being there for so long this time if you get a repeat performance?
On the positive side, you will be finding things much easier this time because you know what you are doing. BF will be a doddle.
And now you have a great comment to make if they do come round 'DD! Nanna and Grandad are here to take you out to the park, quickly quickly grab your coat! Thank you so much, see you in 2 hours'

Hope things are better this time.

Couldn't you...ahem....test positive for Covid when you come out of hospital?

You need to set some boundaries. Yes they might be upset your mum is there and they aren’t allowed but they need to be more understanding. Can they help with the older child so they feel more useful?

I agree it's too much and it's up to your husband to protect you in this situation. However, i also agree with pp that it's not very fair to have your mum there constantly yet not allow your inlaws visits. There could at least be a compromise - your dh speaks to them about frequency of visits and, if when they come over you aren't feeling up to it, you stay upstairs while dh entertains the grandparents.

Good on you @HarleyBarnes, that’s the way to do it!

@HelloDulling

Kind and nice people are hard to come by in life and they are your husband’s parents. Don’t be mean to them.

Why is it mean to ask for a bit of space? A few days to readjust, for your body to heal, to get feeding established, to sleep when you can and not think about anyone else’s feelings or needs beyond the baby’s.

Few DAYS is entirely reasonable! the DH can send a lot of baby pics and videos to make up (unless OP also has problems with that!)

You don’t have to be nasty to kind people to assert your rights. Can you not negotiate? No one’s asking OP to breastfeed in full view or cry in front of them. I still don’t see why OP can’t negotiate so his parents are not entirely ignored. Why are daily 30mins visits such a problem? Can’t they come after a feeding session and leave in 30mins? Op can rest upstairs while they spend some time with the sleeping baby.
Just like you are still over the moon the second time, it’s their grandchild. My parents totally were over the moon overjoyed for weeks after my twins were born, despite having 4 other grandkids. Don’t rob them that joy. See what you can offer on YOUR TERMS. Not zero. I’d offer short visits and make peace.

I wouldn't text or email
I would get my husband to speak to them
And if they come round take yourself off to your room with the baby

A midwife isn't going to have a word with your in-laws

You need to set your boundaries/expectations now, and your husband needs to support you

A midwife isn't going to have a word with your in-laws

No, with the husband. So he is absolutely clear. OP speaking to the husband obviously hasn't worked but he may listen to a professional.

You might not have such a strong reaction to the hormones etc this time round, or sometimes just being aware of why you feel that way can help knowing it will end soon.
Have you spoken to your midwife about a PND? They’ll be able to advise you how to get help if it starts again. Also, make sure you tell your health visitor after the birth how you are feeling, with your husband there. He might be more willing to act if he hears from a professional the impact too many visitors, not enough rest etc is having (even though he should listen to you anyway!).
Was your baby his parents first grandchild? You may find they aren’t quite as excited & full on this time.
And as others have said, don’t feel under any obligation to entertain them when they are there, treat them the same was as your mum. Stay in bed upstairs if you need to and don’t let the baby be disturbed if napping.
I struggled a lot with my first because I felt I had to be up and about back to normal after a couple of days. Second time round I warned everyone I was going to be resting for 4 weeks and stuck to it, it really made a big difference to how I felt and my recovery.
Ask your husband to direct them to help when they come - looking after toddler, washing up, laundry etc, the at least they will be helpful or at best it may put them off coming so much if it’s not all cups of tea & newborn cuddles!

Are they lonely? Or maybe just trying to show off to your mum that they are doting grandparents??

Or perhaps they want to see their son's child? Imagine in the future your children will have children ,you will be desperate to see them.

There needs to be some kind of compromise, take yourself off to bed and rest and let dh deal with visitors and let him show off the new baby. You get the rest you need.

Can you give them jobs to do with your older child, as in asking them to take them out to the park etc so they feel included. Your husband sounds a wally. Is there a cultural thing going on here as well?

@wardrobewarrior

Who knows! Maybe I'll even want them to come around this time !

My mum was SO fed up of them coming over last time as well. It was way too much for her too. But she wanted to keep the peace and make them happy. She's always like that. I told her tonight that OUR needs are just as important as anyone else's. They'll have plenty of time to bond with the baby, once that difficult period is over. They have a great relationship with my DD and I don't stand in the way of that.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange.

So, is your mum there a lot? If so, it'll look like a double standard. If you really object to them coming, it'll probably be easier to say, 'No one comes to see the baby until x point in time,' than, 'No one except my family comes to see the baby until x point in time.' Ban all visits and visitors, if this is the law you want to lay down.

It is a tricky one, because obviously you as the mother want the support there for yourself because giving birth is a huge thing, but I can also see the in-laws' point of view, in that they shouldn't be deprived of the same opportunities to see their grandchild just because they're related to the other parent.

Your mum was fed up with them coming round-what's it to her?

Did it stop her doing what she was supposed to be doing?

She also thinks that you should see them to keep the peace??!!

If your husband refuses to speak to them NOW about visiting restrictions, pack up your things, the baby's things, and go from the hospital to your mum's or a hotel room with room service. Tell your husband you've had enough of people walking all over you and a useless husband who is supposed to have your back, not his mother's.

You NEED time with the baby at home without an audience. You NEED to be able to just be and recover and get on with things in whatever state you are without an audience. You don't want it; you NEED it. And if he doesn't get that, obviously home is not where you'll be.

He's an asshole if he doesn't understand this. Tell him this!

How does your DH feel about your DM always being around.
Maybe he thinks just because your mom is there it's ok for his too.

Why don't you go round to there's ? If they arrange to visit just say sorry it's not convenient midwife is coming.
When they do visit it's ok to go to bed and catch up on some sleep just " hi MIL nice of you to come and help me , DD1 is looking forward to going to the park with you "

Baby is asleep I'm going to bed.

My mum doesn't live here. So she's coming over to give me a hand with my older one, as my husband won't be around a lot as he works a lot and I'm having a c section. No one else is from my family will be coming over any time soon after the birth. Same as last time.

I am not favouring my mum. It's just the situation. I really need her.

I went through this with my in laws. We lived a 10 minute walk away from them and we had a glass plane back door. Sometimes I would be breast feeding on the sofa and they would be there watching me. Once they brought a friend over who I didn't even know!!! I absolutely hated it but husband said they just wanted to help. They actually pushed me to do more things out of the house. Every day I did a baby class or met up with people for coffee so they never knew when i was home. Then they stopped popping over and I relaxed a bit.

If you can get through to your DH and get him to agree to set boundaries with his parents that you feel good about and trust, then that would be ideal. But if not, I think you might need to find some anger.

I was struck by two things - one is that your mum wasn’t just not helpful, she added to the pressure. Is she, overall, a help in those first weeks, or are you having her stay because you think you ought to?

Secondly - they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter.. This had my jaw dropping. So they knew they were upsetting you and they still turned up virtually everyday? That all kinds of wrong and shows an utter lack of respect for you as a person and especially as a mother who has recently given birth.

It sound like you might have trouble challenging expectations from family members. I wonder if it would be helpful to frame things as - this is your second time around and you intend to learn from the good and bad bits of having your first child. To that end you hope people will still like [whatever good things happened - don’t make this just about people giving you stuff for the baby, maybe highlight a gathering at the 6 week mark or some regular thing that started a bit later) but you realize that the first 6 weeks were far too stressful and it really impacted your recovery. So, your visits will be by invitation only and only once you feel well enough. (Or whatever expectation you want to set.). Emphasize that their relationship with DD1 is strong because of the fantastic visits you have had ever since and your hoping dc2 will get the same great opportunity. Maybe ask if they would like to take DD1 off occasionally during the first six weeks so she doesn’t miss them too much (which will also get you some 1:1 time with the new baby). If they protest just say, it’s not about not liking them or wanting to keep them from the baby. But even they recognized how stressed and exhausted you were the first time round and you are determined not to repeat the mistake.

@diddl

Your mum was fed up with them coming round-what's it to her?

Did it stop her doing what she was supposed to be doing?

She also thinks that you should see them to keep the peace??!!

Well she had to entertain them too and she could see it wasn't easy on me. But she still let it happen to keep the peace.

Mumsnet is a very biased place, but I’ll give you my opinion anyway. So, it’s ok for your mum to be there, but his parents are giving you so much stress!
I think it’s entirely reasonable for your in laws to come around frequently. But, it must be at a convenient time to you and they behave!

I have had a lot of major surgery. And I’ve had a child. Op’s mum was there to support her after she’d had a c-section. I understand what you’re saying but this isn’t top trumps and the game of fairness. It’s about a woman, who was incredibly vulnerable post birth, subsequently suffered from PND and whose husband and mother did not and will not advocate for her and who moreover think she should just #bekind because it’s easier for them.

Getting your midwife to have a stern talk with your dh and mum is a good idea op. I think the advice about telling the in laws how they can be useful to you and help out with your dd is a good idea. Can you have a back up plan, maybe put something on the front door and not answer it?

Tbh if your mum won't support or advocate for you I'd tell her she can bugger off home as well. Set your boundaries and keep them xxxx