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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No party bag when left when it came to Ds. AIBU?

205 replies

Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 18:15

A kid came to half of DS’s party - he couldn’t make the activity so came for the pizza at a pizza restaurant - I obviously paid for all the pizzas. This kid brought no present, just a “card” on a piece of paper he’d drawn on. He got a party bag at DS’s party. I felt like it was a little rude to come to a party with no present - but whatever, kids have enough crap so they don’t need more - but this was a party where only 5 children were invited so it stuck out. I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.

This morning, Ds went to that kid’s party, which was an activity, no food. About 8 kids. At the end, there were “no party bags left” when it came to DS (he’s quite shy and not terribly pushy so would have waited until the end). Ds obviously gave a present.

AIBU to find this pretty cheeky?!

(Also - this family isn’t poor or having any money troubles. In fact, I’d call them well off. I know this for certain. Only mentioning in case people say they can’t afford a present or a party bag.)

Anyway happy to be told that I’m being petty and annoying and should mentally shut up about it. I haven’t said anything to anyone and won’t but inside am thinking it’s rude.

(Ds isn’t especially bothered anymore but was sad at the time to be the only kid with no party bag.)

OP posts:
Jannt86 · 03/04/2022 08:34

I don't think you're being petty. A party bag might be a big deal to an adult but it's huge to a kid and being the only one to miss out on one must be so upsetting. I'm not sure the hosts were being malicious about it from what you've said but it's still crap of them. With my dd's party this is exactly why I wrote names on the party bags and made sure the right people were getting them. I did bring along any spares I had to make up for unexpected guests but my principle was that the guests who'd been invited and were polite enough to RSVP definitely got the first pick. That just feels like good etiquette tbh

QuinkWashable · 03/04/2022 08:35

^Assuming any cultural practices involves leaving one DC out of a group without a party bag is ridiculous.
In context with the OP, the pp who suggested it could be cultural is bonkers.^

Well yes, the party bag thing is obviously a mistake - but the present stuff was what I assumed was meant by cultural differences.

Here's one that blew my mind a bit - somewhere else, we were the only ones who brought a present (new there, so I didn't have anyone to ask), and there was no cake, just a very strong tiramisu that all the adults ate after we sang (the local version of) happy birthday around the party table!

Svara · 03/04/2022 08:39

Some people I know don’t do party bags at all, just a piece of cake in a box!
I just did sweet bags, a handful of mixed sweets in a little paper bag, done. Didn't want to add to the plastic tat problem.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 03/04/2022 08:57

Daffodils22

Another unbelievable petty post!

Apparently nothing is so petty that it doesn't warrant your input.

user1471538283 · 03/04/2022 10:27

I always had extras just in case. You cannot leave one child out.

Jannt86 · 03/04/2022 10:36

@Svara

Some people I know don’t do party bags at all, just a piece of cake in a box! I just did sweet bags, a handful of mixed sweets in a little paper bag, done. Didn't want to add to the plastic tat problem.
Good for you.... There are ways to do eco friendly party bags and I did this. Also that's irrelevant to the point OP is making which is I think that her kid was the only one not to get a bag, that's entirely different and more upsetting for her child than there being no bags at all
GoodJanetBadJanet · 03/04/2022 10:37

YANBU if everyone got a party bag and your kid didn't, but YABU about presents, you sound grabby as hell there.

Svara · 03/04/2022 10:47

@Jannt86
I meant to say that it also makes it easier to have enough for everyone if you just have a stack of paper bags and a tub of sweets, no buying x number of each thing. It means a child missing out is less likely to happen if you keep it simple.

Madamum18 · 03/04/2022 17:53

Not having enough party bags so that a child is left out is very unkind and thoughtless! It is not appropriate to just leave a child out.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 03/04/2022 18:02

Not getting a party bag is bad! I write names on, especially as they sometimes have something personal in (my kids like making friendship bracelets etc, and like to chose the right colours for their friends). No present is a bit naff, even a fiver in an envelope is fine if they’ve not had time, and you said there’s no money troubles.

Neverreturntoathread · 03/04/2022 18:06

Incredibly rude of them not to give him a party bag. I always keep a few spares but IF I somehow found myself one short I would give them something else instead not just have a kid left out! Cake or even money, not just leave one sad child!!

I hope I’m wrong but it seems to me thet maybe they don’t like your son.

Familylimbo · 03/04/2022 18:33

I am that parent that would actually ask for my child’s party bag! I literally hate kids feeling left out so I definitely speak up!!

Yayhelen · 03/04/2022 19:00

Someone turned up to my kids party with an uninvited younger sibling. We had a drop out due to COVID so the numbers worked but I was a bit miffed.

Not that she brought the kid, maybe she didn’t have childcare, but that she didn’t have the courtesy to let me know beforehand. It’s a funny one.

My kid is pretty shy and wouldn’t be the first in line and would be pretty upset to be left out - don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel annoyed by that.

I thing the present thing is irrelevant but the party bag would make me feel sad and cross for my kid, we all have a bit of Mama Bear I am sure x

OliveLover01 · 03/04/2022 19:20

Oh my goodness these things happen…: it’s not the end of the world. It’s likely to be an oversight. Perhaps a sibling took a bag. Or a parent took one and their kid also took one not realising and so they had two. Or perhaps the husband was tasked with making them up and only made up 7. You have no idea why and unless you ask outright you’re not going to know for sure. It’s a going home bag. Not a meal. Just get over it.

Re present…: that’s not hugely great is it. but I think the 2 things are probably unrelated.

MildredHubblesBroom · 03/04/2022 19:31

I can see why you might be momentarily offended. It’s probably just the parents being disorganised rather than malicious though. Children’s birthday parties can be so chaotic. If it was such an exclusive party you should just be pleased your DS was invited at all.

ellebelli · 03/04/2022 19:31

When it was my Sons 5th Party I handed all the party bags out including some extras to siblings that had turned up-Thinking I was being really organised and kind-Only to realise that I had none left for my son who was following behind me asking for his bag!!!!

Also once when my elder child had a birthday he wanted to just invite his best friend at the time-we paid for son to drive an off road jeep and friend was a passenger,we went for food after.
Said friend turned up on the day without a card or anything-that really pissed me off at the time!(not his fault of course)

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 19:42

@OliveLover01

Oh my goodness these things happen…: it’s not the end of the world. It’s likely to be an oversight. Perhaps a sibling took a bag. Or a parent took one and their kid also took one not realising and so they had two. Or perhaps the husband was tasked with making them up and only made up 7. You have no idea why and unless you ask outright you’re not going to know for sure. It’s a going home bag. Not a meal. Just get over it.

Re present…: that’s not hugely great is it. but I think the 2 things are probably unrelated.

I'm pretty she is over it, doesn't mean it wasn't still a bit shitty.
aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 19:44

When it was my Sons 5th Party I handed all the party bags out including some extras to siblings that had turned up-Thinking I was being really organised and kind-Only to realise that I had none left for my son who was following behind me asking for his bag!!!!

See a few people have said things like this but it would never occur to me to have a party bag for the birthday child, in my head they're for the leaving guests! Birthday child has the presents.

Svara · 03/04/2022 19:49

See a few people have said things like this but it would never occur to me to have a party bag for the birthday child, in my head they're for the leaving guests! Birthday child has the presents.
Wouldn't occur to me either, or for any other children in the household, usually plenty of birthday cake to share afterwards.

GingerWit · 03/04/2022 21:02

Wealthy people stay wealthy by being cheap.

I've known a handful of minted people/friends&family who stayed rich by being tight fisted and wearing cheap clothing.

SpringHasSprungYay · 03/04/2022 21:32

I think they are just unorganised and maybe a bit tight op.

Not the kid's fault.

worriedatthistime · 03/04/2022 22:00

Well i don't think your petty or unreasonable
I live in a deprived area and many kids who came to ds birthdays would of been very low income but still all bought a gift ( we have a poundland) same for us I would pick up gifts when in sales etc to keep back for parties
I think my kids would of been embarrassed to turn up without a present as they liked the giving as well
I also always did extra party bags as not all replied and if they showed up I had one , used to do one for my own dc's as well so even more spare and I used to hand to parent/ child when left
Quite simply I just wouldn't be inviting said child again if it were me unless they were my childs BF which is doesn't sound like is the case

worriedatthistime · 03/04/2022 22:03

That said though nobody used to bring uninvited siblings yet my friends kids went to private school and it was common for that to happen with them

Mamanyt · 04/04/2022 00:49

I have no way of knowing if it was cheeky or not, however...it was, at the very least, symptomatic of very careless parents who "forgot" a present or a card, and who did not carefully count bags for their own child's party. I always made sure that there were 3-4 extras, just in case!

I feel most sorry for their child/ren. Kids are very aware of social details in their own groups. Their son KNOWS he missed out on most of the party, and that others brought gifts and he did not. And he will remember it.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/04/2022 01:08

@Pixiedust1234

Only eight kids and no party bags left??? Nope, it wasn't an accident. Call me cynical but the kid/parents don't actually like your child and were only after the gift you provided. Sorry if thats harsh but otherwise none of it makes sense.
That’s the biggest leap to paranoid assumption I’ve ever seen.