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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No party bag when left when it came to Ds. AIBU?

205 replies

Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 18:15

A kid came to half of DS’s party - he couldn’t make the activity so came for the pizza at a pizza restaurant - I obviously paid for all the pizzas. This kid brought no present, just a “card” on a piece of paper he’d drawn on. He got a party bag at DS’s party. I felt like it was a little rude to come to a party with no present - but whatever, kids have enough crap so they don’t need more - but this was a party where only 5 children were invited so it stuck out. I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.

This morning, Ds went to that kid’s party, which was an activity, no food. About 8 kids. At the end, there were “no party bags left” when it came to DS (he’s quite shy and not terribly pushy so would have waited until the end). Ds obviously gave a present.

AIBU to find this pretty cheeky?!

(Also - this family isn’t poor or having any money troubles. In fact, I’d call them well off. I know this for certain. Only mentioning in case people say they can’t afford a present or a party bag.)

Anyway happy to be told that I’m being petty and annoying and should mentally shut up about it. I haven’t said anything to anyone and won’t but inside am thinking it’s rude.

(Ds isn’t especially bothered anymore but was sad at the time to be the only kid with no party bag.)

OP posts:
phishy · 02/04/2022 21:10

@lemongreentea

Are they british OP? Could be a cultural thing.
I really hate this, it’s so racist.
Bimblybomeyelash · 02/04/2022 21:14

It’s looks like there was an unexpected sibling who took the 8th party bag. Unfortunate for your son, and the fault lies with the parent who took the bonus sibling!

cabansunset · 02/04/2022 21:15

For those saying that you're being petty etc.

it's easy for an adult let these things slide and 'let it go' as someone suggested...but a party bag is a big deal for a little boy, and it's hard seeing our children being disappointed and treated unfairly.

This family is obviously pretty rude, I bet their kid is shears first in line to grab party bags etc. Uurgh! Hmm

cabansunset · 02/04/2022 21:16

*first

MargaretThursday · 02/04/2022 21:30

I really can't imagine that the parents would go to the trouble of doing 7 party bags in order to not give one out. If nothing else party tat tends to come in sets of 6 or 8!
Much more likely a sibling took one, or even a child picked one up for a sibling.

I had at one party one little one came up and happily picked up 3 party bags. Mum was mortified. At the last party they'd been to, the host had said "oh do take a couple of bags for your sisters", so the child assumed they could do that. I thought it was rather sweet actually that they wanted to take something for them, even while I had to explain that I didn't have enough spare bags for all sisters to have one. (we compromised in a gave them a bag with all the spare tat in to share out-I think I was less popular with Mum than the children Grin )

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 21:34

Why would the parents allow the DC take the party bags without supervision, what a disaster waiting to happen.

If they brought the exact amount they should have made sure each DC got their share by handing them out individually.

They're scatty.

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 21:35

@Nothappyatwork

I had to organise my DD‘s eighth birthday literally 10 days after I’d given birth to DC4. Nobody got a bloody party bag I literally couldn’t be asked they got a slice of a Marks And Spencers amazing birthday cake wrapped in a napkin and were very grateful
Yeah but that's totally different to everyone getting a party bag but one.
SadMum12345 · 02/04/2022 21:35

I know some people will think I'm ridiculous but this almost happened to my 3 year old and I shouted from across the room, oh DS hasn't had one yet when the organiser was holding the last one. I was like no way is my child suffering that sort of psychological damage!

I would say I also buy all kids a decent gift and don't hold parents who maybe aren't very thoughtful or generous with my child, influence how I treat their kids. As far as I'm concerned the kid is my kids friend and that is all that matters.

Always have spares!

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 02/04/2022 21:35

I’d be concerned for the other dc because those kind of things are noticed and they carry over into school. His dps aren’t doing their dc any favours.

Rather than focus on the unfairness towards your own ds, notice how privileged he actually is having a parent who gets this kind of thing right.

Try and give your ds the tools to be the kind of dc that eases the passage of kids like this. This is an opportunity for him to learn to look at a bigger picture - to step up and be the big spirited, generous person.

There’s a boy in my ds’ class who is just kind, and generous and big hearted and I’m so grateful because my ds struggles socially and in other circumstances would be a target for bullying.

QuinkWashable · 02/04/2022 21:53

There's nothing wrong with recognising that different cultures do things differently!

When I lived elsewhere, parents always stayed, and there was always wine and nibbles - I actually enjoyed taking the kids to parties there.

And in where I live now, you eat the cake at the party, you don't wrap it in a napkin and put it in the party bag for the child to have squashed cake later/sprinkled all over their parents car - it's so much more sensible

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/04/2022 21:53

I would have wanted to know as the host so I could have found something for him. I didn't end up with enough party bags at one of DCs parties, we had a lot of extra siblings that time and my usual extra bags all got taken and somehow one of the invited guests didn't get a bag. I didn't have any bags left but I did have some extra lollies and little toys and I apologized to the child that I didn't have a bag for them. No present wouldn't bother me but the no party bag when everyone else gets one is understandably upsetting for children.

ginslinger · 02/04/2022 21:56

Pears - hard, hard, hard, hard, just about ripe - ooh sorry you missed the 3 seconds when we were ready and now we taste like shit. Sorry about that

ginslinger · 02/04/2022 21:56

wrong thread sorry

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/04/2022 21:56

There's nothing wrong with recognising that different cultures do things differently.
No there isn't.
Assuming any cultural practices involves leaving one DC out of a group without a party bag is ridiculous.
In context with the OP, the pp who suggested it could be cultural is bonkers.

Clymene · 02/04/2022 21:59

@phishy - yeah, not convinced there's a culture where leaving one kid out of a gift bag hand out is a thing.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/04/2022 22:05

I couldn’t see any extra bags and I didn’t want to make a big deal or embarrass the hosts, so we just said goodbye and left. Surely it's better the host, an adult, have a moment of potential embarassment and a chance to fix the problem rather than your DS being upset and feeling left out?

axolotlfloof · 02/04/2022 22:46

DS1 had a best friend like this at primary school.
You have to feel sorry for the child who has to go to parties without a present to bring too.
DS didn't really care and his friends' Mum was fairly oblivious, but at the end of the day her child was quite far down on her priority list.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2022 00:11

Does no one else worry the kid did the card all by themselves as they knew you bring something to a party but their parents didn’t do anything?? Any other signs of the child having to look after themselves?

LaTangerina · 03/04/2022 00:43

@ginslinger

Pears - hard, hard, hard, hard, just about ripe - ooh sorry you missed the 3 seconds when we were ready and now we taste like shit. Sorry about that
😂
phishy · 03/04/2022 05:22

[quote Clymene]@phishy - yeah, not convinced there's a culture where leaving one kid out of a gift bag hand out is a thing. [/quote]
Exactly!

mycatisannoying · 03/04/2022 06:59

YANBU.

olympicsrock · 03/04/2022 07:10

So the dad accidentally gave a sibling a party bag and there was no opportunity for them to correct the mistake as you didn’t say anything.
I suspect they don’t even know it happened

FateHasRedesignedMost · 03/04/2022 08:13

Well it’s bad form to miss a kid out with party bags, but if it was a large party or people brought siblings maybe there were truly no party bags left? Or mum mis-calculated? Are you sure DS asked her or did he just leave and she forgot to give him one/didn’t notice he went without?

It’s chaotic at big parties when everyone collects at once, it’s easy to let someone leave without their party bag (or their coat/glasses/jumper from experience!)

As for child not bringing a gift, he only came to half the party and probably mum didn’t expect party bags in a pizza place. Maybe she just forgot the gift or thought it wasn’t necessary?

Some people I know don’t do party bags at all, just a piece of cake in a box!

Darbs76 · 03/04/2022 08:19

Doesn’t bother me at all if a child doesn’t bring a present, had that happen and my DC’s had plenty of gifts. It’s not the child’s fault.
I’d be mortified if I didn’t have enough party bags, no doubt the usual trick of parents bringing siblings and letting them queue up for party bags

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 08:28

@olympicsrock

So the dad accidentally gave a sibling a party bag and there was no opportunity for them to correct the mistake as you didn’t say anything. I suspect they don’t even know it happened
I think it’s this.

But I can see why, coupled with no present, it riled you.

You say DS is “quite shy and not terribly pushy”. This was a chance to help him see how to advocate for himself - if you’d gone over to enquire, politely, you might have got a different outcome e.g. an apology and a promise of a party bag at school on Monday, or cake and extra sweets and take these balloon, DS etc.

You sound like you do a very British “mental seething” but could do with demonstrating a bit less reserve…

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