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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No party bag when left when it came to Ds. AIBU?

205 replies

Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 18:15

A kid came to half of DS’s party - he couldn’t make the activity so came for the pizza at a pizza restaurant - I obviously paid for all the pizzas. This kid brought no present, just a “card” on a piece of paper he’d drawn on. He got a party bag at DS’s party. I felt like it was a little rude to come to a party with no present - but whatever, kids have enough crap so they don’t need more - but this was a party where only 5 children were invited so it stuck out. I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.

This morning, Ds went to that kid’s party, which was an activity, no food. About 8 kids. At the end, there were “no party bags left” when it came to DS (he’s quite shy and not terribly pushy so would have waited until the end). Ds obviously gave a present.

AIBU to find this pretty cheeky?!

(Also - this family isn’t poor or having any money troubles. In fact, I’d call them well off. I know this for certain. Only mentioning in case people say they can’t afford a present or a party bag.)

Anyway happy to be told that I’m being petty and annoying and should mentally shut up about it. I haven’t said anything to anyone and won’t but inside am thinking it’s rude.

(Ds isn’t especially bothered anymore but was sad at the time to be the only kid with no party bag.)

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 02/04/2022 19:04

@Maybeimpetty
No, I understand exactly why you were upset on your son’s behalf.

Things like that really can leave an impression.

Louise Hay, the self help woman wrote of being the only child in the class not to get any birthday cake - All had been taken by pushier kids- and she took it as a life lesson.

It’s not the bag or the cake- but the underlying message that “ Hurts”.

Original poster
Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 19:04

@VyeBrator

Also - this family isn’t poor or having any money troubles. In fact, I’d call them well off. I know this for certain.

How?

Well, I can’t be certain. But they asked us if we’d like to go on a holiday with them (and others) and it was too expensive for us. So after that I just sort of figured they had plenty of disposable income.
OP posts:
LardyDee · 02/04/2022 19:04

@drpet49

* You're absolutely unreasonable when it comes to the child not bringing a present and making a handmade card. Parties shouldn't be about the gifts.*

^Yet on another thread today the poster is repeatedly told to take a present because it is rude if she doesn’t.

Probably by different people? We're not all the same person here, you know.

I'm tending towards the "petty" vote. It's really not great to get your child focusing on friendship and affection being expressed through material goods. Did he enjoy the party he went to? Did he enjoy having his friends to his? That's all that really matters.

RedWreck · 02/04/2022 19:08

Bad organisation & bad manners, I would've been very apologetic if this had happened at a party I was hosting.

I can only imagine what the holiday would be like....
Thank goodness you aren't going!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/04/2022 19:08

I don’t call that petty at all. Party bags are a big deal to kids - tat to us or not. My dd always has extra in case of siblings turning up.

Primtemps · 02/04/2022 19:08

@Daffodils22

Another unbelievable petty post!
Smile
Original poster
Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 19:09

@TempName01

Did you not ask the parents though, your son might have been mistaken, the party kid might have been mean and pretended there were none left. The parents should offer the party kid’s bag if they ran out for guests!
To be fair, I didn’t check. I looked over at where DS had been standing (next to party boy and his dad) and I couldn’t see any extra bags and I didn’t want to make a big deal or embarrass the hosts, so we just said goodbye and left. (The dad will have seen us leave with no bag, and I could see other kids with bags, although the dad may not have been paying attention! There’s always so much going on at parties!)

I just figured DS was told that by the dad / boy and that there were none left - but I didn’t check it!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 02/04/2022 19:10

Sounds like they were caught out by the sibling attending. They're probably mortified now. It can happen easily - the first twice I had siblings turn up the parents made sure the extras didn't come for party bags, but the next time they did and it caught me out. Fortunately it was my niece and nephew so I was able to pretend there was no bags because we were doing something better after (god bless Dominos!).

It's certainly something to keep an eye on, especially if you've said the child can be mean to yours. Perhaps the parents insist on yours being invited/them attending your DS's party as you are friends, but the kid isn't happy with that?

Cherry55 · 02/04/2022 19:11

I'm with you. I put on a birthday party for my DC that had a prebooked activity. One kids parents didn't RSVP, no gift and get this called me an hour before the party start time to say they were there and when could I get there bc they had things to do!!! Hadn't realised I was throwing in an hour additional childcare too. Some people are just rude. They didn't even thank me at the end. Another two brought no gifts or cards either. One child is from a from a family I know things are tight so felt no issue there (and mother sent me a lovely message), the other both parents are doctors.

It's not about the things, it's about behaviour...of the parents!

PinkiOcelot · 02/04/2022 19:11

@Daffodils22

Another unbelievable petty post!
Another unbelievable petty response!
oakleaffy · 02/04/2022 19:11

@Jules912

At one of my DS's parties I had a few extra party bags but as well as some people bringing siblings almost everyone who didn't RSVP turned up. Even after I said siblings could stay but I didn't have party bags for them I was one short so DS went without.
Yes, this is the “ Etiquette “ The host gives up their party bag.

Had it done to me when I was host
One of the Britain’s horses on the cake got melted by a candle on his leg-
I wanted a perfect one, but parents said
“ No! Your guests must have the perfect ones”

I accepted it. 🙂

FabFitFifties · 02/04/2022 19:11

Was the birthday boy giving them out? If he was mean and snarky at DS party, maybe he was just taking an opportunity to be mean again. His parents might not know about it. He might have kept the last for himself. If it happened at my child's party, I would have been mortified, and would have gone back to his parent with him to explain.

Original poster
Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 19:12

Perhaps the parents insist on yours being invited/them attending your DS's party as you are friends, but the kid isn't happy with that? This is entirely possible!

OP posts:
thatsgotit · 02/04/2022 19:12

@Daffodils22

Another unbelievable petty post!
No it isn't. The OP's DS was left disappointed, and anyway how can the parents not have got enough party bags in for just 8 or so kids?
WombatChocolate · 02/04/2022 19:12

A small child would feel this.
But the parental response is vital here. The parent can sympathise and then move the issue on quickly. The ice cream on the way home seems a nice idea, and then not dwelling on it and pointing out briefly how such a thing could happen by mistake is key. When you as parent move on quickly, the child does too.

Kids who struggle and become bitter about little sleights, are usually those whose parents do too. Their parents go on about little upsets and don’t help the kids build up resilience. It’s easy for parents to feel really upset on behalf of their children, when little things happen that upset the child. When you’re immersed in the world of kids parties, play dates etc and especially if your own world has become consumed with that stuff if you don’t go to work etc, it’s easy to let it all become a big deal and more important than it should.

So this family haven’t quite met all the social norms for kiddie socialising. There’s going to be lots worse than this. Just shrug your shoulders and move on.

And as others have said, if you’d reLly felt the need, you could have said something. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do and sometimes it’s not. You have to make a call on that. If it feels like a big deal, the. Say something. If you know it’s not, don’t bother.

Loads of people are crap at organising their kids. I’ve taken mine to parties where really nith8ng was happening or organised. I’ve been to some that ran 11-3pm and there was no food. Families bring 2 sibilimgs who haven’t been invited and then sit them down at the party table and take the party bags. People cancel parties last minute. People don’t bring their kids who accepted an invitation and you’ve paid for them. People don’t reply. People are 2 hours late to collect their kid. It all happens.

inkyfingers · 02/04/2022 19:13

I feel for your son most of all to be waiting and then not get a party bag. He deserves a hug. You’re not being unreasonable, but you’re the adult, and it’s pretty small in the scheme of things.

DarkDarkNight · 02/04/2022 19:15

That’s bad when it’s only 8 kids involved. I would have been mortified to run out. I tend to make extra as you often get siblings turning up, I’d hate a child I invited not to get a party bag.

a1poshpaws · 02/04/2022 19:16

I don't think you're petty at all. It was rude and insensitive of the birthday child's parents to not have one for each attendee, and your child felt hurt by being left out. I'd be mad as a hatter if someone hurt my child through sheer stupidity too.

Original poster
Maybeimpetty · 02/04/2022 19:17

@FabFitFifties

Was the birthday boy giving them out? If he was mean and snarky at DS party, maybe he was just taking an opportunity to be mean again. His parents might not know about it. He might have kept the last for himself. If it happened at my child's party, I would have been mortified, and would have gone back to his parent with him to explain.
The party boy seemed to have been giving them out with his dad, but I only caught the aftermath with DS, so it may well have just been the boy who - understandably - may have just wanted to keep the last for himself! I don’t really know.

Other parents did notice DS leaving looking teary, but I (very politely) hurried us away at that point because I wanted to comfort him away from the crowd.

OP posts:
poohfant · 02/04/2022 19:17

Might have been a party bag of tat but not really the point when you are a child and the only one to miss out

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 02/04/2022 19:17

If there's only 8 kids there why didn't they do enough bags? Whenever our kids go to party's there are always spares and 9 times out of 10 our other child ends up with 1 (party mum will say take one for x we did extra just in case). I'm not sure I'd have been fussed about no gift whether they were rich or not, I'd probably be more relieved, one less bit of tatt to take home 🤣.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 02/04/2022 19:18

At the end of the day it’s just a shitty moment for your son, he will have been disappointed and stuff like this can and does unfortunately knock their confidence if not handled properly. It’s not a petty post at all. I’m sure you’ve found other ways to make it up to him.

comealongponds · 02/04/2022 19:18

The stuff about your child’s party is irrelevant tbh. It’s weird and mean to not have enough party bags for all guests. It would’ve been better not to bother at all.

But it’s not the child’s fault (nor is it his fault he only went to half DS’s party and didn’t bring a gift.

DrManhattan · 02/04/2022 19:18

To be fair I bet there was fuck all in those party bags

MissMaple82 · 02/04/2022 19:18

How would you possibly know their financial position!?