Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he appalled at this experience today

361 replies

User199999 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Hi.

I understand this sounds quite unbelievable but it is a genuine experience from today.

Myself, my mum and my DD went to a local charity shop which we have visited many times. My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums. Whilst in there my DD got a bit upset and kicked off a bit and was crying/throwing herself around. I knelt down and tried to calm her down. Next minute the shop keeper came storming over and tapped her a few times on the shoulder from behind saying ‘I think someone’s in a bad mood arnt they’ and got right in her face. I was in shock. She then pointed her finger right in DDs face like she was telling her off. I walked off with DD so I didn’t see this but my mum said the shop keeper pulled a really angry face and did a ‘strangling motion’ behind mine and DDs back. DD then got upset again and I picked her up to try and calm her but she got more upset. The Shop keeper said ‘I think she wants to be put down, doesn’t she’ in a really stern manner, like she was trying too belittle me.

My mum wanted to purchase something so we went to the que and when was getting served o said to DD ‘you’re tired arnt you’re and the shop keeper said ‘yes, I understand she wasn’t doing anything wrong but I’m very old fashioned’. I think this was very inappropriate. What are peoples opinions please.

OP posts:
Jux · 01/04/2022 19:11

Next time, ask your mum to take her out and you do the buying - swap child for purse!

They say "it takes a village to raise a child", and this is kind of what they mean. Sometimes, the intervention of a stranger is enough to shock a child into behaving more appropriately (I remember when my siblings and I were kids, we always knuckled down if a stranger got involved).

I have often wondered these days how that works with people being so careful of strangers having any sort of interaction with their children. Now I know. I can only be thankful that dd is grown up and I don't have to navigate it myself. Good luck to you! (I don't mean any criticism of you personally, just generally today we are losing a lot of thing which were actually helpful in the old days.)

MadameGazelleBand · 01/04/2022 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Bellie710 · 01/04/2022 19:12

Your child is a toddler and doesn't get to make the decisions, you are the adult and that is your job?

You should have taken her outside as soon as she had a tantrum and no one else would have got involved, maybe if you took her outside she would learn to stop having tantrums and wouldn't think she can get her own way by screaming.
I will agree you are not BU that she touched your child etc but if you had dealt with the situation properly it probably wouldn't have happened.

Topseyt · 01/04/2022 19:12

I'd have been annoyed at the woman overstepping the mark, but the time to have said anything was at the time.

For future reference, if DD needs to be removed from a situation because of a tantrum or similar then just take her out whether she likes it or not. Don't ask her, and don't put it up for discussion. That is pandering to her. Just do it. Your mother would surely only have been a couple of minutes making her purchase. DD wouldn't have come to harm waiting outside for that short time, tantrum or no tantrum.

lollipoprainbow · 01/04/2022 19:12

No doubt the majority of perfect parents posters here are the ones who stand and gawp while mums struggle. All it takes is a bit of kindness and understanding.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2022 19:13

The volunteer's behaviour was weird and unpleasant, the strangling thing was horrid.

But what on earth was wrong with your DM? Didn't she realise what was going on?
.... she had to buy that thing so much that you all had to join a queue to be served by that horrible woman whilst you, already upset, have to wrestle with a tantrumming toddler under the womans disapproving eye? I remember what that was like and people interfering like that usually made things much worse.

Is it worth going shopping with people who can't be bothered to help you out when a toddler kicks off? I really do think that was less than helpful towards her daughter and GD. What did she say afterwards.

When she saw that your DD wouldn't leave without her why couldn't DM just have put her item on the counter (or down, since it was unlikely someone else would snatch it up immediately) and come outside with you for a moment and gone back in whilst you calmed DD outside.

On your point about the shop keeper I'd say let it go and forget about it. You know what DD is like now and as I remember their shopping tolerance is very limited without frequent breaks but its always wise to remove them from the scene as soon as they kick off.
However, the strangling thing is a bit off. I'd be in two minds about whether to say something to the shop manager. Only you know whether that would be warranted, or whether the screaming added to the panic and drama of the moment.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/04/2022 19:14

a stranger put on ds shoes when he refused to let me do it!

sunshinesupermum · 01/04/2022 19:17

Remove your child from the shop esp if she's screaming blue murder. YOU are the parent!

babywalker56 · 01/04/2022 19:17

I personally don’t understand posts like this tbh.

Why are you coming to MN to ask for opinions on what to do when you should have said something in the moment or left. Now you’re asking if you should complain. Complain to who and say what? I don’t understand why you didn’t say anything at the time, makes no sense to me

Topbunny · 01/04/2022 19:17

Your child didn't want to go outside? Who's in charge you or her

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 19:18

No doubt the majority of perfect parents posters here are the ones who stand and gawp while mums struggle. All it takes is a bit of kindness and understanding.

Which is why the lady tried to be helpful instead of just standing there doing nothing - yet OP is on here complaining about it and someone could easily have complained and got her fired - you can’t do anything right.

L0stinCyberspace · 01/04/2022 19:18

OP you talking to your DD as she was crying and "throwing herself around" and then picking her up and her crying more actually sounds ridiculous.

When a toddler has got to that point you, as the parent, need to remove the child swiftly from the shop, not use it as a teachable moment to try to gently calm the child as they bellow and thrash about! I'd bring her to less shops tbh, and I'm not talking about groceries of course.

The worker does sound old-school but as if she was awkwardly trying to help. I think it would be very unkind to complain.

Lovebroccoli · 01/04/2022 19:18

Your daughter shouldn't have been in the shop if she was tantrumming, she should have been removed as soon as she started.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 01/04/2022 19:19

If my dc started having a tantrum in a shop, I'd just carry the child and leave.

Sofiegiraffe · 01/04/2022 19:19

@WonderfulYou

No doubt the majority of perfect parents posters here are the ones who stand and gawp while mums struggle. All it takes is a bit of kindness and understanding.

Which is why the lady tried to be helpful instead of just standing there doing nothing - yet OP is on here complaining about it and someone could easily have complained and got her fired - you can’t do anything right.

Being helpful by making strangling gestures at her child? 🤔

fetchacloth · 01/04/2022 19:19

YABU
You should have removed DD from the shop as soon as she started her tantrum really. The situation with the shopkeeper wouldn't have escalated then.
Some people become very distressed at hearing loud noises and screaming and it's not fair on those people.
Also, older generations, were brought up with the belief that children should be seen and not heard - and still believe that to be true!🙄

BIWI · 01/04/2022 19:20

@JustALittleHelpPlease

How did your mum join the queue of an empty shop?
Just what I was going to ask you. @User199999 Hmm
Verity226 · 01/04/2022 19:20

I recently put in a complaint about a charity shop volunteer. The man was completely intolerant of children and abruptly addressed me personally on two occasions about my DC harmlessly touching things and being, well, children.

The same man would watch me like a hawk whenever I went in and made me feel quite uncomfortable, as though he thought I was a shop lifter Confused

Service at the till was miserable, face like a slapped arse and like he didn't want to be there.

I sent a polite email to the shop manager outlining my complaint but reiterating that I wasn't looking to have him sacked, just reminded to be more tolerant of customers with children and less rude.

I received a response a few days later thanking me for my email and telling me that they'd removed him from the shop floor (still working there but not customer facing) and he would be undergoing some extra training before he returns to the shop floor.

I say complain OP.

BIWI · 01/04/2022 19:21

Leave off with the ageism @fetchacloth

WilsonMilson · 01/04/2022 19:21

Think you need to get a grip and stop being so precious. Toddler tantrums are bloody annoying to listen to.

AnIconOfImperfections · 01/04/2022 19:21

Such odd, appropriate and frankly, nasty behaviour for the shop assistant. Making a ‘strangling’ gesture behind your back, aggressively tapping your daughter, sticking her ore in massively where it didn’t belong. It makes me wonder if the woman has some MH issues as her behaviour was so out of line.

Ignore the usual MN contrarians that will argue that black is white. You experienced some v strange and disturbing behaviour today.

Buttercup54321 · 01/04/2022 19:22

You should have taken her out whether she liked it or not. You are the adult not her.
Just let it go. Screaming kids arent everyones cup of tea lol

L0stinCyberspace · 01/04/2022 19:22

When DS was being stroppy with me age 8 a random man butted in and warned him to stop giving me grief. DS looked at me with tears in his eyes, embarrassed and annoyed. I thanked the man sincerely- DS was being obnoxious and it stopped him in his tracks. Sometimes people butting in can help!

Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 19:22

Thanks all I appreciate the opinions on this. I don’t think I pander to her. She hadn’t been having the tantrum for long at all before the shop assistant came over to us. I understand I should of took her straight out but I thought I’d be able to calm her down as she does normally calms down after a short time

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff my DM didn’t really say anything or try to help out, she was just browsing

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 01/04/2022 19:23

[quote User199999]@lonlydomassiveones not all the time if I can help it but I am a single parent so I have no choice to take her in with me sometimes like the supermarket for example[/quote]
Food is essential. Any other shop isn't. I was a single parent. I understand how hard it is but taking a child, who is bored by shopping, into a shop is always going to go wrong. If she loved shopping and demanded that you buy things and had tantrums if you didn't, it would be equally awful. I found my own children's tantrums difficult I don't want anything to do with anyone else's child having a tantrum in the shop I am in. If you didn't leave, I would.