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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he appalled at this experience today

361 replies

User199999 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Hi.

I understand this sounds quite unbelievable but it is a genuine experience from today.

Myself, my mum and my DD went to a local charity shop which we have visited many times. My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums. Whilst in there my DD got a bit upset and kicked off a bit and was crying/throwing herself around. I knelt down and tried to calm her down. Next minute the shop keeper came storming over and tapped her a few times on the shoulder from behind saying ‘I think someone’s in a bad mood arnt they’ and got right in her face. I was in shock. She then pointed her finger right in DDs face like she was telling her off. I walked off with DD so I didn’t see this but my mum said the shop keeper pulled a really angry face and did a ‘strangling motion’ behind mine and DDs back. DD then got upset again and I picked her up to try and calm her but she got more upset. The Shop keeper said ‘I think she wants to be put down, doesn’t she’ in a really stern manner, like she was trying too belittle me.

My mum wanted to purchase something so we went to the que and when was getting served o said to DD ‘you’re tired arnt you’re and the shop keeper said ‘yes, I understand she wasn’t doing anything wrong but I’m very old fashioned’. I think this was very inappropriate. What are peoples opinions please.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 01/04/2022 19:38

@BoodleBug51 indulging her daughters tantrums? Oh do grow up!

Sofiegiraffe · 01/04/2022 19:39

[quote MrsLargeEmbodied]@Sofiegiraffe
the idea of taking the toddler outside is to stop the tantrum
not to let rip![/quote]

Yes but it might not have worked. Perhaps that would have made the tantrum worse and it sounds like OP - knowing her DD better than anyone - already knew that to be the case. Hence she made the decision not to leave the shop and escalate the tantrum. Who knows? The point being - the parent knows what they are doing based on knowing their child better than a stranger does. So as long as they are clearly trying to deal with it, they should be left alone without strangers taking it upon themselves to intervene.

RedditBeta · 01/04/2022 19:39

I love people telling my children off, they are so much more likely to listen, although maybe not as a young toddler.

Id be quit annoyed about tapping on the shoulder though.

hamstersarse · 01/04/2022 19:40

Does anyone acknowledge that the strangling gesture was very much more than likely done in jest?

I sometimes forget we have a total humour bypass when it comes to such Serious Matters

YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie · 01/04/2022 19:41

This happened to me and dd about a year ago. ‘NAICE’ town beginning with S, and the woman just couldn’t help herself. I was mortified but also have spent the last 2 years struggling with dd, who has multiple allergies, painful tummy and subsequent crappy moods. I’m not ashamed to say I told the woman off, that people like her made it much more difficult than my grouchy toddler did for us to actually leave the house. It was an end of tether moment for me. I’m well used to dd screaming in public. There’s no need for any comment other than a smile on solidarity with my struggling at that moment.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/04/2022 19:41

fgs she may have had mental health issues/sensory needs - show some tolerance

SaxendaSummer · 01/04/2022 19:42

Take the kid out next time as many others have said

Awful that you put said kid first because she wanted to be with nanny!! No! She does not get that choice in a public place.

S4M3 · 01/04/2022 19:42

@hamstersarse

Does anyone acknowledge that the strangling gesture was very much more than likely done in jest?

I sometimes forget we have a total humour bypass when it comes to such Serious Matters

Yes, it probably was done in jest but those types of gestures are best left as a in-joke between two exasperated and exhausted parents or friends, not strangling gestures from strangers. Especially when preceded by touching the child and pointing at them as if to tell them off.

Maybe it was a badly thought out gesture made in jest but I still wouldn’t like it being down towards me or my child.

SaxendaSummer · 01/04/2022 19:43

And tantrums could damage stock or cause an accident

Can't believe you didn't take her out

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/04/2022 19:44

Don’t dwell on it.

She was a bit in your face, you should have taken your toddler out quicker. Neither thing really matters.

I would say though that if you aren’t used to it, screaming children are like nails down a blackboard. Parents get so used to it they forget, but when you can get them out of the way, you should. It’s also a good way to teach toddlers that if they scream they will be taken away from the fun.

Margaretmatcher · 01/04/2022 19:44

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse. Wow are you the prize, he is a volunteer he might have volunteered because he was lonely or broken hearted or whatever his situation he was doing this for free. You sound a real nasty piece of work he works for free so you can buy cheap goods. Pis

momtoboys · 01/04/2022 19:44

Did your Mum buy a purse?

TabithaHazel · 01/04/2022 19:45

@User199999

Yes I did say to DD that I will take her outside but she kept screaming ‘nanny’ as she didn’t want to go outside whilst my mum stayed in the shop but my mum was buying something
That’s not really the best reaction from you, if your kid is throwing a tantrum you need to set the boundaries - pick her up and take her outside. I’m sure she did want to stay in the shop but it shouldn’t have been up to her. I don’t think it sound like the shop lady really did anything wrong really - you weren’t dealing with the situation so she tried to. Just forget about it though, no harm done.
CharityShopChic · 01/04/2022 19:45

@Mybestyear

My experience of "local charity shops" is that the people that tend to 'work' in them are holier-than-thou do-gooders who are actually not very nice people but present themselves as pillars of the community who "do good work". Complaining will get you nowhere as they will likely be mates with the people you would be complaining too. I'd make it my mission to take DD when she was at her most grumpiest and then go in and fake a tantrum yourself and put the person on the spot!
Yay! How many posts in did we get and someone's piling in to bash volunteers. 10? Hmm

The one thing you are right about - the only thing - is that it is work, but we don't get paid. I would imagine that if it's anything like the charity shop where I volunteer, we have one paid member of staff, whose hours cover 2/3 of the time we're open. Rest of the time it's volunteers only.

Lots of our volunteers have their own challenges. Some have mental health difficulties. Some have mobility issues. We have two or three who have special needs - one in particular can come across as spectacularly "rude" when she is stressed, and a screaming child whose parent is doing fuck all about it is just the sort of thing which would stress her out. She would tell you exactly what she was thinking, not to be nasty, but because she can't react in a different way. She does not wear a badge explaining her condition, and most of our customers cut her a bit of slack.

Stop referring to shop assistants and shopkeepers OP. You mean VOLUNTEERS. Complain by all means, it will be your word against a volunteer, there will have to be an investigation, the manager will waste however long working out what went on, the volunteer will just not turn up for the next shift and the charity cause is the loser. Or practice your parenting skills.

And yes, a tantrumming child should be taken out swiftly, even if she doesn't want to. We've all walked out of places with screaming and thrashing children under our arms and if you haven't perhaps you should start.

hamstersarse · 01/04/2022 19:46

Yes, it probably was done in jest but those types of gestures are best left as a in-joke between two exasperated and exhausted parents or friends, not strangling gestures from strangers. Especially when preceded by touching the child and pointing at them as if to tell them off.

Maybe it was a badly thought out gesture made in jest but I still wouldn’t like it being down towards me or my child.

Oh come on. We have all done these sorts of gestures, even to strangers.

Why are people so holy than thou about things? Fucksake, it was a moment in a charity shop with a person who 'doesn't do things like we would'. No one is harmed, and it might give OP cause to think about the world not revolving around her and her child.

I would think this is a funny anecdote given it was in a charity shop. I most certainly wouldn't be 'appalled' and wanting to get this person the sack.

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2022 19:46

My DD sometimes can have tantrums whilst out in shops, just normal toddler tantrums

You lost me with this. When mine had tantrums they were returned home immediately. Tantrums have never been seen as normal in this house.

RobertsRadio · 01/04/2022 19:46

Non event, you should HAVE taken her out of the shop. The End.

RedditBeta · 01/04/2022 19:46

@Sofiegiraffe FTW

SaxendaSummer · 01/04/2022 19:48

I work in retail as a manager

We are told we can ask customers to remove tantrum if children. This is for the safety and comfort of other customers. As well as for colleagues

Sen children there would always be understanding for. Just to clarify

surreygirl1987 · 01/04/2022 19:54

I would be appalled by the shopkeepers behaviour, but also I would have taken the child out of the shop. My son behaves like this sometimes and I just remove him fro the situation. I would have had a go at the shopkeepers for being rude though- no need for that!

OliveLover01 · 01/04/2022 19:55

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
User199999 · 01/04/2022 19:57

@CharityShopChic thank you but I do not really appreciate you bashing my parenting. I am a young single parent, still learning and I understand I should of took her out but in the first instance I tried to speak to her and calm her down. She had only been crying for less than 30 seconds before the volunteer stormed over to us. I did not ask this question to have my parenting questioned, I wondered what people’s thoughts were to the volunteers reaction. I have been in plenty of shops where toddlers/babies have been crying/having tantrums. I also don’t agree with your comment in saying ‘doing fuck all about it’ because I was. I was not ignoring her and carrying on with my shopping whilst she was having a tantrum

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 01/04/2022 19:57

Non-event.

SquirrelG · 01/04/2022 19:57

I agree that you should have taken your child out of the shop. Honestly, why should shoppers/workers have to put up with a tantruming child? As for being "appalled" - I think you need to get over yourself.

rainbowunicorn · 01/04/2022 19:58

Try parenting your child OP. You should have taken her out. All you have done is reinforced the idea that throwing a strop gets you want you want.