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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to text me before using my garden?

252 replies

unassertive · 01/04/2022 16:12

We had a big play park installed in part of our back garden a while ago. I have a few local mums I have over for play dates quite a lot and they were all saying it's brilliant and better than the village park (the village park is awful which is why we initially decided to get our own) I said to them that as our house is empty most weekdays that they can feel free to use it when we're at work just let themselves in no need to ask.

Obviously they are only doing what I said they could, I don't think for a second they are being unreasonable. I've not been well this week and fell asleep on the sofa this morning and woke up hearing something and could see one of them out the french doors sat on the decking and her kids playing on the park. I felt really embarrassed having to stand up and wanted to just hide until she was gone as I didn't feel well or very social. I did pop out to say hi but got stuck in conversation and felt too awkward to ask her to go as I didn't feel well. It happened the other day too with a different friend and I just wanted to go put my washing out on the line but due to feeling unwell and looking rough I didn't want her to see me and she wasn't to know I was there so I just avoided doors and windows. Her toddler fell asleep in her buggy and she sat there on my garden furniture on her phone for a couple of hours and I just felt like I was having to hide in my own house

How do I retract an offer like this? I genuinely don't mind them using it outside of play dates but preferably only when I'm not home and feel obligated to go say hi, chat and offer coffee etc. AIBU if I ask if they could text first after all? I feel rude as is previously said just turn up and I don't want them to think I have a problem having to see them and get offended

OP posts:
ServantofthePeople · 02/04/2022 19:43

“I would message them saying "Ladies I fear I was a bit hasty with the open house invitation for our playground. You're all still most welcome, I just don't think I should have left it completely open - some days won't work for us. Please can you drop me a text if you'd like to come over, and I can let you know if it's convenient? "

This or blame husband

CrazyTimes123 · 02/04/2022 19:43

No advice but you sound so lovely!

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished!!

Bib1234 · 02/04/2022 19:47

I definitely wouldn’t go with the ‘text me if you want to use it’ as I think you’ll struggle to say no even when you really want to

KosherDill · 02/04/2022 19:48

@BuanoKubiamVej

I think it is fine to readjust expectations a little.

If there's a group WhatsApp or similar that you can post to then I would post something like:

I'm really glad that our play equipment is being used and we will be delighted for this to continue but the whole 'just come any time' isn't really working for us and there have been a few awkward times when it would have been more convenient for there not to anyone there at that particular time. So whilst the invitation is still firmly still mostly open, please could you just text to check with me first in case it doesn't work for me when you are planning to come over?

This is good.

My worst nightmare is having people in my garden, let alone people rocking up any time they get the urge.

Nip it in the bud before the weather really warms up.

NinaManiana · 02/04/2022 19:49

So many good suggestions here. I just wanted to say i think it’s really kind you sharing your lovely garden with your friends. I wish i had more mates like you! Hopefully you work out something which isn’t too awkward x

PearlyShamps · 02/04/2022 19:50

Just be completely honest. Explain you hadn't anticipated how trapped/exposed it made you feel on the not-so-social days. It is not retracting the offer, it is just tweaking it a bit. It's not going to be majorly inconvenient for them to just send you a quick text to check all is OK with coming over. I think they will understand.

Are you prepared to actually say "not today please" on days where its inconvenient, though? Or will you feel obliged to always say yes?

Londoncallingme · 02/04/2022 19:51

I think if you backtrack they immediately won’t come again ever and it will be awkward and damage your friendship. Why not just text those three whenever you are unwell or working from home and say the park is closed today as I’m sleeping/working.
I’m a bit of a wimp - that’s what I’d do.

PearlyShamps · 02/04/2022 19:51

So kind and generous if you to let your friends use the garden - I'm sure that's what they'll be thinking, regardless of any new "rules" bring put in place x

KosherDill · 02/04/2022 19:52

@Sweepingeyelashes

I would be very worried about being sued for a serious injury. I am a solicitor. Believe me, people start looking for people to hold responsible and pay up when they have a seriously injured child. (I think it helps them feel less responsible for their reckless children or their own lack of proper supervision.) I'm not in the UK but, from what I learned of UK tort law, I don't think it would make any difference if you were present or not when they were injured. I'd put an immediate stop to this arrangement. The more children use the equipment, the more chance of injury. Just say that your insurance company has just informed you that you would be liable and you unfortunately can't continue to make it generally available and lock the gate.
This.

Imagine if a child had a neck or spinal injury from the play equipment? Or serious brain trauma or something else life-altering? You could end up losing everything.

Just tell them a solicitor warned you about the pitfalls and you'll have to retract the offer and see people by invitation only. Get it over with quickly before they really get into a routine or, as others have said, start bringing their own supplies for good long days in your garden.

godmum56 · 02/04/2022 19:56

I don't think any solution where you say "text me to check" is going to work because its then on you to answer....or they forget to text ansd just pop over because they are SURE you won't mind. I'd be locking the gate and putting the reason squarely on insurance with an apology. Ths has the huge advantage of (probably) being true.

Faveusernamewastaken · 02/04/2022 19:59

I think if you’re worried about them feeling that they might have offended you, you could say that going forward you and your partner will be working from home more and will need the peace and quiet so could they text you to check it’s okay. That way it’s a ‘going forward’ thing as if your circumstances have changed, rather than being down to anything that’s happened so far x

MrsMiggins9100 · 02/04/2022 20:01

the insurance line might be a good one to go down. You can say just to check their children are safe etc. and the insurance won't cover anything happening? I think you might have been too generous to start off with, and hard to row back from this so do it now! good luck

Psychofortruth · 02/04/2022 20:13

Honestly you are probable just over thinking this and they will probably understand... Something along the lines of...

Candleabra · 02/04/2022 20:15

God what a nightmare, I can just imagine blurting out a kind offer, but I can’t believe someone just sat in your garden for two whole hours like it’s a park.
You’ve had lots of good advice here.
The more you explain or justify removing this asset from people, the more unreasonable you’re going to look. (To be clear; I don’t think think unreasonable but you know what people are like)

I’d just text saying you’ve had second thoughts, and then make sure the gate is locked.

Psychofortruth · 02/04/2022 20:15

I love you guys but can you just drop me a text before coming over to use the garden, I've had calls oct and the timings have sometimes been bit off. You guys are still welcome I'm just asking a checkin first!

StargazerAli · 02/04/2022 20:28

It was very naive to invite all and sundry as there will always be those who will take advantage. I'd change the lock on the gate and when someone queries it - the cheeky ones will - I'd probably say something like my husband went mad as we wouldn't be insured for accidents.

You can bet your life that something will go wrong eventually.

LadyEloise1 · 02/04/2022 20:29

It was so kind of you to offer @unassertive
but I would worry about the safety aspect of it and liability.
Your friends might take a case believing that it won't impact you because you will have insurance but a court case would be so stressful for you and your family.

Sadly it has come to this, that you can't be kind, because of greedy people and ambulance chasing lawyers.
Well it certainly has in Ireland !!!

ThirtyCharacterUsernamesOnly30 · 02/04/2022 20:40

Can you say you've started working from home on an ad-hoc basis and don't want to be disturbed on those days so would appreciate it if they would text you first to ask.

godmum56 · 02/04/2022 20:43

@MrsMiggins9100

the insurance line might be a good one to go down. You can say just to check their children are safe etc. and the insurance won't cover anything happening? I think you might have been too generous to start off with, and hard to row back from this so do it now! good luck
No! don't give them any option to say oh its fine, our insurance covers it any other old toot. If you want something stopped then apologise and make it stop.
godmum56 · 02/04/2022 20:44

@StargazerAli

It was very naive to invite all and sundry as there will always be those who will take advantage. I'd change the lock on the gate and when someone queries it - the cheeky ones will - I'd probably say something like my husband went mad as we wouldn't be insured for accidents. You can bet your life that something will go wrong eventually.
why dump t on your husband? Honestly does nobody have any backbone any more?
Patchbatch · 02/04/2022 20:46

I don't think it's unreasonable to draw a line, you had good intentions when you offered but I'd hate this too. I'd just be honest and say something along the lines of you've had a think and have decided it'll be better just to use it during play dates. Definitely secure your gate as well.

dottiedodah · 02/04/2022 20:53

I think you have been most generous to share something like this .just say hi girls ,good we are all enjoying ourselves,but is it OK to text in advance in future. Only Working at home more now and need privacy. Thanks .no one could be offended surely. Also as pp said need to check insurance as well

StargazerAli · 02/04/2022 21:11

MrsMiggins needs to get a life.

GettingItOutThere · 02/04/2022 21:46

so when little angel falls off the equipment -guess who they will come running to moan to and sue you?

stop it now, your leaving yourself wide open for drama, suing and awkwardness

just end it -silly arrangement !!

Mrsbclinton · 02/04/2022 21:47

I would knock it on the head before the summer, playdates only.
Couldn’t be bothered texting everyday to give the availability status of my back garden!
You are leaving yourself wide open, literally, to having you garden overrun with strangers and the security issue if your garden is easily accessible.
Everyone is friendly now as they get unlimited use of a private playground but if their little darling fell & injured themselves you will see a different side.