To ask them to text me before using my garden?

[unassertive]

We had a big play park installed in part of our back garden a while ago. I have a few local mums I have over for play dates quite a lot and they were all saying it's brilliant and better than the village park (the village park is awful which is why we initially decided to get our own) I said to them that as our house is empty most weekdays that they can feel free to use it when we're at work just let themselves in no need to ask.

Obviously they are only doing what I said they could, I don't think for a second they are being unreasonable. I've not been well this week and fell asleep on the sofa this morning and woke up hearing something and could see one of them out the french doors sat on the decking and her kids playing on the park. I felt really embarrassed having to stand up and wanted to just hide until she was gone as I didn't feel well or very social. I did pop out to say hi but got stuck in conversation and felt too awkward to ask her to go as I didn't feel well. It happened the other day too with a different friend and I just wanted to go put my washing out on the line but due to feeling unwell and looking rough I didn't want her to see me and she wasn't to know I was there so I just avoided doors and windows. Her toddler fell asleep in her buggy and she sat there on my garden furniture on her phone for a couple of hours and I just felt like I was having to hide in my own house

How do I retract an offer like this? I genuinely don't mind them using it outside of play dates but preferably only when I'm not home and feel obligated to go say hi, chat and offer coffee etc. AIBU if I ask if they could text first after all? I feel rude as is previously said just turn up and I don't want them to think I have a problem having to see them and get offended

If there’s an accident you’ll be liable 😬
Tbh I would do a generic text asking for them not to visit to use it any more as it isn’t working for you

I get that you feel that this is super-awkward, and you are clearly a generous person if your first thought was that it was a no-brainer to share the equipment with your friends. But it really is okay to change your mind and retract the offer. Your friends were possibly quite surprised at the open invitation -- it is unusual.

I think it is actually more straightforward to rescind the offer completely than ask them to text you in advance. The first way is more usual. Most people's gardens are private. If you require that they text you in advance, you are going to have to revisit this whole emotional cascade every time they want to come over. ("Well yes they can come round but not for half an hour and even then blan blah blah ..." going through your head multiple times a week is going to be exhausting.)

The other thing that comes to mind is if your local play area is that run down and there is a real appetite for some play equipment in your area, can you form a group and raise some funds and redo the playground? It is quite a bit of work to do this I'm not suggesting that you personally take this on but you might find someone willing.

@nokidshere

We did also say use at your own risk etc and they all said of course.

That will count for nothing if you find yourself having to defend your actions in a court of law. If you invite them into your garden and someone has an accident, if they decide to sue you the onus will be on you to prove that your actions weren't the cause of said accident.

Absolutely. There’s no such thing as “at your own risk”.

This was a generous but unwise offer and instead of asking them to text first, the best thing would be to retract the offer. You don’t need to give reasons let alone lie about it. So what if they moan, they are not entitled to use your property and it isn’t rude to discontinue giving something.

Just googled your play equipment - £1500/£2000 - looks amazing but do you really want every Tom, Dick and Harry using it and wearing it out or breaking it?

@SeptemberAlexandra

Although the offer was well intentioned you have made yourself vulnerable to a claim under the Occupiers Liability act 1957. I would swiftly put an end to people using the equipment unless they are part of a play date you are specifically hosting.

This is 100% correct

or..request the local counsil removes the shit park...and..(proffessionally)uplifts your new one as its so popular. ... obviously thats a tough one\your expense but....privacy will be restored.

Flick them a text saying

Just a heads up that I'm working from home more regularly now so won't be able to offer the garden any more.

No long winded explanations or white lies or blaming husbands, just tell the truth and be done with it.

What would happen if a child or parent were to be injured? Are they insured? Could you be sued?

@MayMorris

Just be honest….say you hadn’t thought it through properly and a few times you’ve nearly been embarrassed in being caught in your next to nothings 🤣. Offer still stands mostly but please can they text first …and only come if positive response. If they’re true friends they’ll have a giggle and be fine.

This. Honesty. Always just honestly. Tell the truth.

Dear friends.

I made a rash offer
I feel uncomfortable in my own house if you're in the garden
Happy for you to use it sometimes but please do check in with me first and wait for me to give you the green light.

Thank you.

The end

You are going to have to set new parameters, having been overly generous initially. Maybe request a text in advance, or if they are all local just a notice on the gate saying ‘closed today’. I’m surprised you were so generous initially, but we all blurt out things without thinking. If you’re not at work is your car on the drive? Could that be given as the sign not to enter the garden? I would hate this open approach, you’ve turned your garden into a communal space.

This is probably really evil but I would totally blame DH in yours shoes. Say he was off for a day and surprised by people and has told you he is not comfortable with people letting themselves in and it’s invite only from now on.

Just read ALL the posts. The insurance ones are very relevant, you are taking responsibility for providing play equipment and accidents happen. Your friends may have said of course we take responsibility, but if their child falls very awkwardly and gets a serious injury they may well sue you. Consult your insurers, if they say ok, continue but with clear guidelines, if they say no, get that gate locked. Frankly I’m surprised the gate is not locked anyway to stop sneaky burglars getting access from the rear.

I would blame house insurance, say just in case one of them got hurt etc they cannot o
play in/use your garden etc

Just tell the truth. Exactly what you said there

I'd go for the security angle, just say you think you've had an attempted break in and now have to lock the gate. Alternatively if it's just an issue when you're at home just message the mums when you're off sick and say out of bounds today due to sickness, working from home etc. To be honest though I'd hate the idea of people randomly using my garden, just restrict it to playdates, will keep your kids popular with everyone wanting to be invited.

I think it was a mistake to make the offer in the first place. You basically told them to treat your garden as a public park and you are bound to want some privacy when you’re at home. If it was me, I’d have to retract the offer. I might say separately to each parent/parents concerned that it’s not really working out and your just going have kids over and play in a pre-arranged play date.

@Oriunda

Unless you nip this in the bud, you are going to be hiding in your house all summer.

I can foresee this getting totally out of hand. What happens when they invite random ‘friends of friends’ you’ve never met? Granting people access to your home is not a good idea in terms of security risk. Does it not invalidate your insurance?

This!

Imagine the summer holidays?

Just say youve heard of break ins in the area you cant leave it unlocked anymore

Moving house/ burning premises to the ground works for me. Personally I’d leave the country

Tell them you’re actually a registered sex offender.
You’ll never see a child in your garden again

Insurance is your most important issue. Stop any visitors until you have checked

I’d be using the insurance reasons whether it’s the case or not

@GinUnicorn

This is probably really evil but I would totally blame DH in yours shoes. Say he was off for a day and surprised by people and has told you he is not comfortable with people letting themselves in and it’s invite only from now on.

I would do this too. It might seem pathetic, but it would leave your friendship in place.

Just tell them you’ve spoken to your insurance co and aren’t sure you are legally covered to let people use your garden in in your absence in case one of the kids has an accident. So regretfully they can only come when invited and supervised by parents

Be honest. Anyone would understand