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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to text me before using my garden?

252 replies

unassertive · 01/04/2022 16:12

We had a big play park installed in part of our back garden a while ago. I have a few local mums I have over for play dates quite a lot and they were all saying it's brilliant and better than the village park (the village park is awful which is why we initially decided to get our own) I said to them that as our house is empty most weekdays that they can feel free to use it when we're at work just let themselves in no need to ask.

Obviously they are only doing what I said they could, I don't think for a second they are being unreasonable. I've not been well this week and fell asleep on the sofa this morning and woke up hearing something and could see one of them out the french doors sat on the decking and her kids playing on the park. I felt really embarrassed having to stand up and wanted to just hide until she was gone as I didn't feel well or very social. I did pop out to say hi but got stuck in conversation and felt too awkward to ask her to go as I didn't feel well. It happened the other day too with a different friend and I just wanted to go put my washing out on the line but due to feeling unwell and looking rough I didn't want her to see me and she wasn't to know I was there so I just avoided doors and windows. Her toddler fell asleep in her buggy and she sat there on my garden furniture on her phone for a couple of hours and I just felt like I was having to hide in my own house

How do I retract an offer like this? I genuinely don't mind them using it outside of play dates but preferably only when I'm not home and feel obligated to go say hi, chat and offer coffee etc. AIBU if I ask if they could text first after all? I feel rude as is previously said just turn up and I don't want them to think I have a problem having to see them and get offended

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/04/2022 22:19

@Dixiechickonhols

Utter madness. If a child gets hurt you really are risk of a claim. Have you got appropriate insurance. It’s very different scenario to your child having a friend over to play. Duty to ensure lawful visitors reasonably safe whilst on premises. You are basically running an unsupervised play park - think about all the inspections, risk assessments, safety standards council play parks have. Oh they won’t sue - child falls due to broken equipment and incurs brain injury requiring lifetime care oh yes they will.
I so agree with this.

You are clearly a nice woman but the headache you have brought upon yourself is extraordinary.

Stop it now due to insurance implications and save yourself a whole load of headache.

If friends of friends are there, you are so beyond naive to imagine that if an accident occurred that someone wouldn't suggest they sue.

Many might not, but you only need one for it to be a nightmare.

Kill it now.

BookFiend4Life · 02/04/2022 22:23

I would lie and say you had a break in and get a locked gate. I couldn't handle the awkwardness of delivering some of the tactful responses! But if you're smooth I'm sure you can pull it off!

TheArtfulBlogger · 02/04/2022 22:27

Pretty outing thread - am sure they have got the message!

LoisLane66 · 02/04/2022 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisLane66 · 02/04/2022 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

godmum56 · 02/04/2022 22:54

@dottiedodah

I think you have been most generous to share something like this .just say hi girls ,good we are all enjoying ourselves,but is it OK to text in advance in future. Only Working at home more now and need privacy. Thanks .no one could be offended surely. Also as pp said need to check insurance as well
"Is it ok"? "text in advance"?

ya wanna buy a bridge?

Coffeepot72 · 02/04/2022 23:21

Knock this on the head and DO NOT ask people to check first, just terminate the arrangement. Otherwise you will be tying yourself in knots every time someone asks. This is not a normal arrangement for a private garden.

Getoutofbed25 · 03/04/2022 00:18

I would message and say there has been someone in your garden, more than once and your fairly certain it’s an intruder, so you are going to up your security and unfortunately it means you need to lock the gate. Just stop the arrangement. Say they are welcome for a play with your child just to message and you can make arrangements. I think you need to re draw the boundaries, and stop being so flexible you feel awkward in your own home.

cazba26 · 03/04/2022 02:08

This was a very kind offer, total madness but kind.

If you want to stop them using your garden altogether then don't say you are welcome to use my garden but text first, you will be stuck for an excuse when they do text.

The insurance excuse, does anyone really check there insurance for things like this, they will probably know that's a fib so if you want to save face I wouldn't use that as an excuse.

I would just say, sorry ladies I need to limit access to the garden as myself/ husband is going to be working from home more often now that the weather is getting better. don't mention a text first to ask then you will be stuck for an excuse, that's if you want to nip it in the bud altogether, if you are still happy for them to use it when you are not there then yes suggest a text first.

Or

Blame the husband, say he was home unwell and couldn't sleep because it was noisy and he felt uncomfortable, I will need to limit the use of my garden, again do not mention a text, or if husband is home he can go out and say I'll need to speak to the wife about this because I wasn't consulted first. Any decent friend will get the feeling there's an issue and won't just turn up. If the friend says anything you can just say, yes hubby isn't happy about people coming and going. Basically just blame the husband lol

Or if you don't care about saving face just be honest and say it was daft of you to have an open gate policy, you can no longer come round uninvited.

I think it would be less hassle for you if said friends were on this site and see your post lol

Goodluck!!

Flickflak · 03/04/2022 02:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

deyhuggy · 03/04/2022 05:07

' Hi X, my work situation has changed and I will now be working from home some days of the week. Can you check with me before coming around to play to make sure it is a suitable day'.

Tipsy75 · 03/04/2022 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cunninghamsarah · 03/04/2022 07:20

It was really nice of you to offer this, OP. You’ve found out the hard way that this doesn’t work, especially when you’re off work and at home for any reason. I think, although it’s difficult, honesty is the best policy. Just simply retract the offer by apologising and saying that it’s not working out for you. The less said the better. If you make too many excuses people feel the need to try and ‘fix’ things for you by coming up with solutions. You simply don’t want them there unless it’s on your terms. It’s too bloody awkward when you’re not feeling up to being sociable. I would hate this arrangement. It’s not normal for a private garden. Don’t do the text thing. Just go back to the usual play dates when it suits you.

pictish · 03/04/2022 07:36

@Coffeepot72

Knock this on the head and DO NOT ask people to check first, just terminate the arrangement. Otherwise you will be tying yourself in knots every time someone asks. This is not a normal arrangement for a private garden.
This. It’s your garden, of COURSE you don’t want people coming and going as they please. It was a daft offer and now you’ll have to retract it. Just use insurance as a reason to knock it on the head. No checking first, if you’re not there they don’t come.
Sparks79 · 03/04/2022 08:43

@Tipsy75

You find out who your partner REALLY is when you need them most. Nothing exposes insecure men with fragile egos faster than a pregnant partner & new baby. They're jealous of the attention you're getting & jealous of their own baby for taking their spot as your #1 priority. It definitely sounds like that's the case here. Him also being jobless adds to his insecurity & makes him even worse. Unfortunately you can't fix this, only he can. Also it'll likely get worse after you have the baby (see study info below). My ex was like this & in my experience it was easier raising my daughter alone than with him bc it was 1 less person I had to take care of. I wouldn't be as harsh if this was your partners 1st baby, but no excuses on his 2nd!

Studies show:
Relationship happiness goes down 67% after the birth of a baby.

Men do MUCH LESS work around the house after their baby is born.

Men who are jobless or earn less than their wife/gf refuse to do housework to assert masculinity.

The most common time for men to cheat is during pregnancy & right after childbirth.

Chances of 1st time physical abuse & escalating abuse go up during pregnancy, as does homicide. In the U.S. homicide by male partner is the #2 cause of death for pregnant women, behind car accidents.

Are you on the wrong thread?

Interesting information though, thanks

House12 · 03/04/2022 10:49

Most of these replies are so arsey! It was lovely of you to offer this, and also totally understandable for it to be too much in reality, and I think you can just be honest and that your friends will fully understand. I’d just say “guys I think I was a bit ambitious when I offered this, I’ve actually found it quite difficult -I’ve even hidden a couple of times inside the house. I’m so happy it’s being used and happy I can share it -but would it be ok if you text me first when you want to come? I think ultimately we all need our homes to be private first and foremost, I should’ve thought it through properly.”
If I received a message like that I’d be like “my god of COURSE!”

Bluetowelsandflannels · 03/04/2022 11:22

No to all the excuses - just a short text saying I'm afraid it's not working for us can we go back to organised play dates thank you.

Owl55 · 03/04/2022 11:46

It’ll be great for the teenagers in summer! Put a lock on the gate woman!

Roxy69 · 03/04/2022 12:30

Just check your insurance, you may be liable for any incidents. Then close the garden access. Also ask them to msg you first to see if it's ok as you are experiencing health issues. Then move.

Margaretmatcher · 03/04/2022 13:03

Primrosefields
Yes you are right

TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 03/04/2022 14:53

@Primrosefields

Couldn't you bend the truth a bit and say that you have noticed others have been letting themselves in and using it so you will need to lock the gate going forward but if they text ahead, you will leave the gate unlocked on that particular day.
This!
Madamum18 · 03/04/2022 17:17

Just text them all and say that it is still fine to use playground when you are not at home but please could everyone text to check before hand as you find it distracting if at home/likely to be at home because unwell and so would prefer not to have people in the garden when that is the case

MiddleAgedBlokeHere · 03/04/2022 18:09

My parents had a not dissimilar situation many years ago. They told the neighbour that they were not insured in the event of accidents so the permission would have to be withdrawn. You don't need to give any additional info, less is more on this one.

willieverlearn100 · 03/04/2022 23:39

Have you spoken to them yet @unassertive ?

CherryDamsel46 · 04/04/2022 12:30

I'm sorry to hear this has backfired for you.
IMO you are being very generous but some people may seek to take advantage of that at your expense.
It reminds me of the old saying "No good deed goes unpunished!"

I hope you don't get bombarded with texts now especially as the weather gets better for the summer.
It might be awkward to reply back "No" as well.
Maybe you could schedule a general open slot on a certain day and keep it private outside that time.
It might save you having to respond negatively to all those texts.