To think marriage is a thing of the past?

[StaceyP92]

So, I have 2 children, work part time - although could return full time in a heartbeat, own my
House. If we split I would then work full time and be able to afford to live by myself with the kids?

Why is going part time after babies seen as being financially dependant?

Also, my partner doesn’t have any other assets so I really don’t understand what this ‘no children before marriage’ statement is?

If you die and leave your home and other assets to him, the taxman will take 40% of it.

You cannot replicate the iht spousal exemption no. What’s the saying - inheritance tax is a levy for those that distrust their heirs more than they dislike the inland revenue! Certainly true for unmarried couples with larger estates!

It’s the reason for deathbed marriages.

Two reasons - being next of kin and consulted if something horrific happened to DH. If we were unmarried, his parents would make the decision whether or not to switch off life support! And inheritance tax - I fancy keeping several hundred thousand pounds rather than giving it to HMRC thanks very much.

You seem to be constantly contradicting your own posts, OP. You don't think there's any benefit to women getting married... but you then say you wouldn't be a SAHM without being married. You say there's no need to get married ro prove your love and commitment...and then say you'd love to marry your partner and you wonder if him not marrying you is a sign that he's not committed to you.

When a rich friend got married after more than twenty years and two children with her partner, I asked whether it was for tax reasons, and she said yes.

CAB has a decent guide explaining differences.
You are part time so your earnings and pension are taking a hit. You have no right to share his pension if you split and no recognition of your contribution to family life like you can have in divorce.
No bereavement support payments if either of you die (widows allowance) - missing out on lump sum and monthly payments.
You are assuming your health eg you have a stroke and he leaves you how are you going to work full time. You are married you have a stroke and he leaves you you might get awarded a bigger share of house, spousal maintenance etc reflecting your lack of earning ability.
Next of kin. Suppose one of you falls ill or dies abroad. Bad situations often compounded if officials will only deal with legal nok.
Need to be proactive if unmarried - so nominate recipient of death in service, make will etc. People often don’t get around to it.
Inheritance tax.
If you are anti marriage you can register your partnership as a civil partnership costs same as a marriage.

@StaceyP92

I want to Marry for the right reasons though? Not with the intention that he might screw me over?

I wanted to be married before having children but for almost the opposite reason - I saw having children with someone as such a huge commitment that I wanted to know he was prepared to commit to marriage beforehand! Clearly there are no guarantees but it just felt important to me at the time.

That’s an entirely personal view though, I certainly wouldn’t be telling others they absolutely should be married before having kids! Plenty of people do it the other way round or never marry at all because that’s what suits them at the time, and good for them!

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7334313/amp/I-never-felt-marriage-important-day-Paolo-died.html

Daily mail link but this lady deals extra issues she faced when her fiancé/baby’s dad died.

100% of relationships end, either through separation or death. Marriage protects in both instances. I personally wouldn’t have children without that protection. None of us know what is going to happen. We could become ill and unable to work at any time so although being financially independent is good it is not always possible.

@StaceyP92

I also didn’t have children until I knew I could provide for them by myself if the shit hit the fan?

What would I gain from
Being married? And why are people so pushy about it?

90 percent of all unmarried couples with babies will split up by the time the children reach their teens. The numbers indicate that half of all cohabiting couples will break up within a year of moving in together. The direct costs of family breakdown are estimated at £46 billion, Co-habitation is significantly more unstable for families/relationships compared to married couples.

Statistically, the evidence is clear on marriage vs co-habitation.
Marriage wins no contest.

I want to Marry for the right reasons though? Not with the intention that he might screw me over?

Nobody marries with the 'intention' that their husband will screw them over. Or even the expectation that he will. But nobody can predict the future. Life happens. Circumstances change. People die or get sick. Women who never intended to quit their jobs, go part time or become SAHMs end up doing so for all kinds of reasons, many of them beyond their control (health problems, disabled or high needs dc etc).

@Elsiebear90

If you aren’t married then legally you aren’t each other’s next of kin, meaning if your partner died you have no legal right to their property, pension, savings etc and no legal right to make any medical decisions if they became incapacitated. As a HCP I have seen on a number of occasions unmarried partners being pushed out of the decision making process and not given priority when it comes to visitation because their partner’s parents are legal next of kin and have taken charge. You need to consider other things rather than just maintenance and who owns the house.

Next of kin no longer has any relevance in law for medical decisions aside from the mental health act. The mental capacity act has led to this

The thing with marriage is that when things are good it doesn’t matter.

When the shit hits the fan, especially when it hits the fan hard and unexpected, being married can offer a lot of protection- especially financially/

Marriage is a real paradox for me because I hate what it symbolises and its historical foundations, but I think it's actually a really smart tactical tool.

I loathe the fact that marriage is rooted in the idea of a woman basically giving herself to a man. Yes I know marriage has legally evolved beyond that and many modern marriages are very equal. But in many ways I can't get past the idea that it used to make a woman chattel to her husband. I also think the idea of marriage as an ultimate aspiration for a woman is profoundly depressing and limiting. I think in an ideal world a woman shouldn't need to be married and should strive to avoid financial dependency on a man at all costs.

However nothing will ever get me past a deep-rooted feminist objection to what it symbolises. I also find all the trappings of marriage and weddings unbearably twee. The whole culture around weddings and engagements and all its dreadful paraphernalia makes me want to vom.

That said, there are many extremely positive practical outcomes of marriage, most obviously the protection it provides the financially weaker spouse, not to mention other perks such as the next of kin thing. And I think in scenarios where there are children it probably provides stability.

So its a kind of love hate thing for me. Hate what it represents but acknowledge that its probably the best single way to offer financial protection to women when having children and would recommend it in a heartbeat to anyone having children.

Funny old world...

Unmarried people can be edged out. MIL’s partner died quite quickly she’d lived with him for a few years. His adult daughter disliked her and ensured she was frozen out at hospital. If they had been married mil could have been with him. This is recently in England.
Plus remember people don’t just get ill and die here - if you are on holiday you are bound by their laws.

@StaceyP92

My DP has put my as his next of kin for life insurance etc but I’m not too sure why haha?

I love him more than anything in the world I really do. Would love to get married if would say yes if he asked of course, it just hasn’t come up yet. I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues since the kids came along so probably made him feel he was taking a risk hahah!

You genuinely can't understand why someone you spend your life with as a partner and whose children you would be solely responsible for in the event of his death would put you on his life insurance? What do you think the purpose of life insurance is...?

@Dixiechickonhols

Unmarried people can be edged out. MIL’s partner died quite quickly she’d lived with him for a few years. His adult daughter disliked her and ensured she was frozen out at hospital. If they had been married mil could have been with him. This is recently in England. Plus remember people don’t just get ill and die here - if you are on holiday you are bound by their laws.

Really, in England? I know that used to be common enough but didn't realise it still happened.

If a woman is in a better financial state than the man she is in a relationship with then she is better off not getting married because it could potentially cost her more. Eg, woman already owns the house they will live in, has a good amount of personal savings & a well paid job, man has no property, savings & only an average job then the woman is better off not marrying the man.

I have one child, work full time, earn more than my husband and we own our apartment together (we need both salaries to pay the mortgage).

We are married because we love each other and plan to stay together until one of us dies.

So, I had two kids with my husband. He out earns me by god knows how many multiples. Because my earning power wasn’t as good as his I took the hit career wise, as many women do. If we weren’t married he’d have absolutely no legal obligation to give me anything, if he died his parents would inherit his assets if he died without a Will. In essence I’d have no legal right whatsoever.

I’ve been on here enough to see that many blokes need a massive kick up the arse legally to do the right thing. Marriage provides that thankfully.

HardyBuckette yes 2 years ago England. Exacerbated by covid - it was one visitor I think. She wasn’t excluded completely but was marginalised, upset and adult daughter did indeed pull the I’m his next of kin. Daughter arranged funeral to her tastes no input from MIL etc. How can nurses do anything when daughter is saying MIL is just his friend.

@Dixiechickonhols

HardyBuckette yes 2 years ago England. Exacerbated by covid - it was one visitor I think. She wasn’t excluded completely but was marginalised, upset and adult daughter did indeed pull the I’m his next of kin. Daughter arranged funeral to her tastes no input from MIL etc. How can nurses do anything when daughter is saying MIL is just his friend.

Ah, I hadn't thought about the impact covid might have. Thanks for the information.

I got married already owning the house we lived in, my parents had paid for a lot of the renovations that had been done in the house, I paid the mortgage & all bills, my husband only paid for the food shop every week, when we split he wanted half the house, the caravan I had bought & paid for & all the furniture either I or my parents had paid for. Had he not wrecked the house after I left & it needing extensive repairs he would have got half the proceeds of the sale of the house. I would never get married again, at present I don't have much, I no longer own a property but when my mum passes away I will inherit half of what she leaves & there is no way I would risk losing half of what I will eventually leave ds.

This has to be the most bizarre thread I’ve ever read. Marriage is outdated but you’d be married now if he’d asked? I’d be very upset if DH hadn’t even discussed marriage after more than a decade and two children together.