… to wonder why people continue having more children if they cannot cope with the ones that they already have?

[NetflixMom21]

… or am I just being extremely judgemental?

A couple of recent interactions and conversations with people that I know has got me thinking about this. In one situation; the person in question already has a couple of children plus a couple of stepchildren which they have 50% of the time, they are always complaining of having no money, they have openly said that they max out their credit cards to survive and pay their bills every month and are in a lot of debt because of it… now they have just announced that they are having another child.

In the second situation; the person in question has 5 children. The first child was born with a severe disability and they were told that it could possibly be genetic and that if they had anymore children, those children could have a disability too. The second child was also born with a disability, but not as severe as the first. The person then went onto having 3 more children, of which, another child has a similar disability to the first 2. So 3 out of 5 children are disabled. This person now admits that they are unable to cope and it massively impacts on the care that they are able to give their children.

In the third situation; someone that I know was born with cystic fibrosis (they are the first born child of the family). They nearly died as a young child and was only just about saved by a lung transplant which they were incredibly lucky to get. The parents have gone on to have more and more children, even though they know that they have the gene for cystic fibrosis and any child that they have may be born with it too and after watching how badly their first child has suffered. Well another child has been born with it, and suffers horrendously already (they are reception/year 1 age) and unless they receive a lung transplant, they might not even make it to a teenager.

My own situation; I have a progressive disability myself and also a child that has a disability. I know that I will never have anymore children (I am looking into surgical procedures to ensure this) because I know that firstly, I will not be able to cope with my own illness and that is not fair on the child especially as I know that there is a possibility of me having another child with a disability, and secondly; I do not know how much independence my child will go onto have as a teenager and adult, and if I had another child, it would impact on the level of care that I am able provide for my child and that isn’t fair on them.

AIBU to wonder why people in these situations continue having more and more children rather than focusing on the ones that they have, and then constantly complain of being unable to cope?!

The government needs to promote not having kids more than they do having kids. Maybe provide financial incentives for women not to have children.

Poor starving children and parents who don’t look like they have missed a meal get my judgment to.

As my cousin said years ago who would be thinking about a bit of the other if you were hungry. It’s always the children that suffer.

So many defensive answers on here.

Yes, I suppose it is judgy but that also makes me judgy because I agree with you @NetflixMom21.

I have to agree but only in hindsight.
We had 3 children who all turned out to have ADHD then I was diagnosed and learnt it's genetic and bringing up 3 neurodiverse children while being neurodiverse yourself is a challenge but on the other hand after a lifetime of being misunderstood I now have a family of people just like me and so I finally fit somewhere.

Had I known my diagnosis before passing on my genes would we have still had children? No of course not I wouldn't have wished this condition on anyone but we soldier on together.

YANBU. Doing it is irresponsible. But what really annoys is when they start the endless moaning. They often seem to moan about the lack of family support (their family do have their own life and stressors, plus didn’t choose to bring these children into the world). Often how useless their partner is (he was useless with child one, why would he be better with child 2, 3 etc?). How the council won’t give them a larger property -there is a housing shortage is lots of areas of this country but also don’t want to private rent . Newsflash: lots of people find private renting very expensive

I agree it is utterly irresponsible and unfortunately many people simply are that. However, there is no scenario where you can do anything about it without becoming unbearably totalitarian. I do think those who are proclaiming you are being judgemental should think perhaps that the suffering of children is exactly where the judgment needs to start.

....because people don't envision much for their or their childrens lives?
The next child "fills" their life with more? "Makes" them appear as more.

My mother had me, by the time I was 3 she was saying she couldn't cope, I apparently had behavioural difficulties, she couldn't be fucked to parent.
Wanted the next child, then the next, then the next.

Spent my childhood screaming at me that she needed help, and that she couldn't afford essentials for me because she had 4 kids!

None of us were parented, none of us were provided for, but because she had 4 kids she felt that she was a really good mum.

I assume a lot of the time it's a situation like that. I try not to judge but it is hard when I know what a lot of children deal with when they're born to women like my mum

@mnetting it’s different if you didn’t know.
All of the people in OP example are extreme. Having 5 kids is too many even when all are able…

You're being extremely judgmental.
You have no idea why people choose to have more children.

The title of the thread is that she wonders why!

I do wonder the same thing OP. But I've just realised that people do make all sorts of irrational bad life choices, not just about having children but all sorts of things, and unfortunately it's very often their children who suffer.

I don't disagree with the sentiment. I think people should put the needs of their existing children over their own selfish wants, but I suppose there are cases where that isn't possible, like the couple of PPs who had more children without knowing the first had any medical need, but those aren't really the people your talking about.
It's those that have the knowledge and still continue to make bad choices, it comes from a place of selfishness, possibly coercive control from a partner, rape within a marriage/relationship, lack of education, a desire to fix a relationship, a need to be loved, attention, no other direction in life.
There are probably many genuine reasons why these people continue to keep procreating, none of them are a good idea though.

I agree OP but wouldn't say to them nor would I be brave enough to post a thread about it.

It's fine saying you shouldn't judge people but it can be hard not to notice the disconnect and be sympathetic. I've known people like you describe who constantly complain about how little space they have in their house, how poor they are etc. Then they say they've decided to try for another baby. When they start moaning about how difficult it's going to be to fit a baby in their place I don't have much sympathy (for them) as they knew what they were doing.

@LegMeChicken

Message deleted by MNHQ

This is a very slippery slope. Should high earners who pay more tax have a say on what lower earners who pay less tax do?

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I agree it is utterly irresponsible and unfortunately many people simply are that. However, there is no scenario where you can do anything about it without becoming unbearably totalitarian. I do think those who are proclaiming you are being judgemental should think perhaps that the suffering of children is exactly where the judgment needs to start.

Totalitarian means forcibly sterilising people or punishing them. They can be encouraged to do the right thing, maybe even with monetary incentives. Understand what makes them want more kids and use that to encourage a different choice.

However this would cause an uproar because ‘judgement’.

Honestly, I find your example that people with genetic disabilities shouldn't have children abhorrent.

I'm disabled, I have a type of Cerebral Palsy I actually didn't know that my condition could be genetic (only one in the family and thought it was a random formation occurrence) until my DS was diagnosed with it.

My other children are deemed 'normal' but I would HAPPILY have more children if DH was on board (he worries about finances at the moment) even if they have a risk of having it too.

MY life has value, I am not just a disability and neither is our child - There's no cure, we will never get 'better' but we are more than the outdated and horrific idea that 'disability is suffering' and deserve to be here.

We deserve as much as anyone else to exist, I'd rather be here and disabled than not exist and it's honestly hurtful that people still have such outdated views that they think we are better off not being brought into the world than being disabled - just remember Hitler thought like that.

PS What's wrong with judging people by the way?

I agree Op , I know someone who has 5 children, one was adopted out and the others live with relatives- she's pregnant again. It's so sad for the children.

Completely agree with you - it's selfish and stupid

@Pyri
Everything is a slippery slope if you extend it far enough.
‘Offering’ people the choice, they’re free not to take it. Isn’t the same as forcing them to do things. ‘Having a say’ is forcing people to do things.

Your argument is the same made for abortions. People thought that offering girls the choice would lead to a raft of baby killing blah2.

I have a friend who has 4 kids, none have any additional needs or disabilities and every day she says she can’t cope, send them to every club possible for free time and now has said she’s pregnant with her fifth as they wanted one more baby. I must admit I find it hard to understand

I agree OP. My Mum had 6 kids - she loved the baby stage...not so much after 6 months.

I judge them that's for sure. Especially those who know they are passing genetic conditions onto their children. I know a family with Huntingdon's chorea who went on to have 7 children after their own diagnosis - who is going to pay for their lifelong care? Not their parents that's for sure.
I had one child as a single parent because that's all I could afford. I'd have loved three but who is going to pay for that?
Some people breed like dogs and cats without thinking of any consequences or what life their children are going to have.

As a previous poster said 1% take up 99% of resources so yes, I do judge.

For a depressingly large number of women the realisation that they are procreating with an unsupportive, borderline abusive arsehole does seem to dawn at some point during the third pregnancy. Maybe that's because they were just about able to keep the wheels on until that point though.

To be honest OP I often wonder the same. Not judge, but wonder.

My son has autism, suspected adhd (won’t diagnose til he is 6 in a few months), sensory processing disorder, attachment issues, and suspected FASD. He is happy and physically health my but it is exhausting and being his carer is a full time job. He can’t go to school full time as he cannot cope. I drown in paperwork and meetings. I work full time and me and my partner (not his dad) and thankfully financially secure and we are able to give him a really good life even if it is a struggle. But I absolutely would not have another because it would push me over the edge, and I see so many people around me with children similar to my son who then go on to have more and I wonder how they can possibly give their child everything they need if they’re doing it.

It sounds horrible. And I’m sure they ARE giving them everything they need. But I don’t understand how.