… to wonder why people continue having more children if they cannot cope with the ones that they already have?

[NetflixMom21]

… or am I just being extremely judgemental?

A couple of recent interactions and conversations with people that I know has got me thinking about this. In one situation; the person in question already has a couple of children plus a couple of stepchildren which they have 50% of the time, they are always complaining of having no money, they have openly said that they max out their credit cards to survive and pay their bills every month and are in a lot of debt because of it… now they have just announced that they are having another child.

In the second situation; the person in question has 5 children. The first child was born with a severe disability and they were told that it could possibly be genetic and that if they had anymore children, those children could have a disability too. The second child was also born with a disability, but not as severe as the first. The person then went onto having 3 more children, of which, another child has a similar disability to the first 2. So 3 out of 5 children are disabled. This person now admits that they are unable to cope and it massively impacts on the care that they are able to give their children.

In the third situation; someone that I know was born with cystic fibrosis (they are the first born child of the family). They nearly died as a young child and was only just about saved by a lung transplant which they were incredibly lucky to get. The parents have gone on to have more and more children, even though they know that they have the gene for cystic fibrosis and any child that they have may be born with it too and after watching how badly their first child has suffered. Well another child has been born with it, and suffers horrendously already (they are reception/year 1 age) and unless they receive a lung transplant, they might not even make it to a teenager.

My own situation; I have a progressive disability myself and also a child that has a disability. I know that I will never have anymore children (I am looking into surgical procedures to ensure this) because I know that firstly, I will not be able to cope with my own illness and that is not fair on the child especially as I know that there is a possibility of me having another child with a disability, and secondly; I do not know how much independence my child will go onto have as a teenager and adult, and if I had another child, it would impact on the level of care that I am able provide for my child and that isn’t fair on them.

AIBU to wonder why people in these situations continue having more and more children rather than focusing on the ones that they have, and then constantly complain of being unable to cope?!

@TheArtfulBlogger

I would be shocked and not believe it if these "oh you are so judgey OP" didnt at least have your views as a fleeting thought. Same with anything. Someone sitting there stuffing their faces with cream cakes and then complaining as to why they are fat. Someone smoking and coughing/hacking and then complaining why they have no money/are ill.....same thing. Because of life choices.

We all make life choices and we all have an opinion on what others do, even if we keep our views to ourselves. Those holier than thou that say they don't I never believe.

I expect you have just said what a lot of people think.

But to answer your question - I asked the same to my mum when I was little and wondering why people in poor countries who were starving still had children. "To give them hope and something to love"

I'm not the soppy type but your last line almost made me tear up

Of course you're being judgey but it's impossible not to! It was incredibly selfish of them to have more children, especially when they won't be able to care for them properly or even to the best of their ability.
I actually went nc with a family member when they were pregnant with their 7th child as the others were being neglected and it was irresponsible to have another. She now has 10. Humans are selfish beings and there's really nothing more to it.

Perhaps low levels of intelligence ?
It doesn't take much insight to see the world is already over populated.
I am particularly baffled by women who have kids to multiple partners who then do not support them.
It's half a century or more since contraception liberated women yet still kids are collected up like souvenirs from bad holidays.

I don’t understand it either, OP.

Yes you are being judgemental.

In my situation if I had known my daughter would be severely autistic earlier I would not have had my son who also has severe autism. She was a perfect baby for 2 years. There is no screening for autism. If I could go back in time, I would have had only one child. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

YANBU
It's none of our business except children need so much and parents who are already depleted and choose to have more children are by definition not able to meet their children's needs fully. That's their choice of course but it's a poor one IMO.

@Stapleton143

In my situation if I had known my daughter would be severely autistic earlier I would not have had my son who also has severe autism. She was a perfect baby for 2 years. There is no screening for autism. If I could go back in time, I would have had only one child. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

That's not what OP is talking about though

I wonder the same thing OP. Oh we've got no money, we've got no time, we get no sleep - why make a bad situation worse then?

For some their identity could be bound up in being the caregiver, afterall, our chidren give us their unconditional love and trust and this can be addictive for someone who lacks internal love and trust of self. The one who sacrifices all, holds the family together, take on the heroic effort of managing the chaos, where the partner is the complete opposite (and the more useless they are the more powerful we feel) this is a huge boost to self-worth. Sadly, lurking underneath this selfless caretaker is a strong need for control and avoidance of ones own deeper needs.

What you could do, is judge the society that makes having a disabled child difficult, rather than judging the child to be difficult. Maybe spend your time supporting campaigns for more accessible toilets (changing places), for reduced waiting times for treatment, etc.

I agree OP.

Look back through history. People have always had children, even in the darkest of times, or we wouldn't be here today.

Not being judgemental OP

Too much pussy-footing around such questions. If you have a condition which you are likely to pass onto your children, why take that risk? Or, if you only find out there is an issue after the 1st, why risk it happening again?

To be clear - I am not advocating any kind of eugenics here, rather asking a question in the same vein as OP

Yes you’re being judgemental but you are also right. I would feel the same way and don’t believe people who claim to never judge anyone for anything.

If those people are not coping and complaining and go on the have more children I would definitely judge. I also judge people on here who complain their DH is a shit partner but are heavily pregnant with #2 or #3.

But to answer your question - I asked the same to my mum when I was little and wondering why people in poor countries who were starving still had children. "To give them hope and something to love

Hate to be "that person" but this is a very simplistic and western view of developing countries (being from one myself). It's obvious to everyone that you can continue loving the children you have which is why most planned families consists of 1-3 children. Having more kids after that is astronomically harder in developing countries and and the chances of each one having a good life sinks dramatically.

Overpopulation in developing countries is due to lack of reliable contraception, lack of education, virtually no female rights, no access to termination options and sadly very often rape within the marriage. It's a horrific situation that many women cannot get themselves out of so tearing up at the fact that women (and teenage girls) below the poverty line keep popping out babies "to give them hope and love" is quite cringy tbh.

I agree OP. YANBU.

I see it repeatedly on here: “my dp isn’t helping, I do everything, I’m exhausted caring for our two kids and I’m 30 weeks pregnant. AIBU to want him to do more?”

And all I can think is WTF are you pregnant again? If he’s shit with no1 and no2, why on earth will no3 be better? To quote a dubious film “Sex is not going to fix this”…. And neither will a baby.

Similarly the people who are terrified about electricity bills and are also 11 weeks pregnant. You knew the electricity crisis was coming less than 11 weeks ago.

I find it infuriating, and yes it’s not my business. But it’s everyone’s business when children suffer because of it, either through poverty, or parental stress, or parental inability to cope.

Of course YANBU.

But I bet this thread does not last.

Why do people have children they only have time to see at bedtime most days, if then?

So many whys.

Of course it's judgemental and none of your business; but yes, it is irresponsible.

@Manekinek0

Look back through history. People have always had children, even in the darkest of times, or we wouldn't be here today.

For the vast majority of history - and throughout a lot of the world today - there has been little in the way of reliable contraception and women in particular have had little control over reproductive choices. Coupled with the fact that, prior to pensions and state support, you'd be reliant on your children for monetary and practical support if you ever made it to old age. You'd need to have quite a few, to mitigate against the likelihood of some of them dying young.

I think a lot of it is different standards of coping. If you grow up in a family that is constantly on the brink that's your normal so why would you expect your life to be any different?

Some of it is also temporary dips in coping. I've recently had covid that absolutely wiped me out and definitely didn't cope as well as usual for a couple of weeks after (still getting out of it!) but we have another baby on the way. Overall though we have the capacity, it's just a temporary blip.

@Fimofriend

You are right it not being any if your business. However, if they constantly complain about it they are making it your business and you are then free to complain about that. I too find it annoying when people complain about things they themselves caused as if it just happened to them.

Agree with this.

I don’t believe you should bring children into the world to suffer so I agree with you. Especially if you could pass on life-limiting, painful conditions.

YANBU