Life is pretty shit for a lot of people

[bananatwain]

On a low wage. Living with parents. Paying £700 a month on childcare even with 30 free hours. Might have to get rid of my car. I have a strict budget and don't buy unnecessary junk. Will likely never be able to afford a house. Rent and bills extortionate and no prospect of me moving out any time soon. If I was renting I'd be screwed. Trying to get promoted at work but cost of living has driven job applications sky high so too competitive. I just wonder what the point is sometimes. I'm so worried about the future and money. Son going to school will help but I'm left with almost £40 which I pathetically save at the moment and £700 definitely won't cover rent and bills. Its actually making me unwell to think about... Anyone else?

Fucking hell. Some of the responses on her are so shitty. Like a walking, talking Sun Newspaper, or Daily Mail!

OP, it must be so difficult for you at the moment and I'm sorry that yet again, a man has destroyed a woman's life.

But you're still fighting for a better future for you and your child.

It may seem a bit hopeless at the moment, but when your child goes to school, that will free up a bit of cash and you are going for promotion. There will be opportunities for you. Just perseve.

Fingers crossed @bananatwain that you get the job. 🤗

On an entirely practical level, - could you take on some babysitting in the evenings? Or some waitressing ?

Just wondering what your set up at home is like, and if you can leave your LO with your parents. That could open up a new revenue stream…?

But I hear you… it’s shit.

It sounds like you have a lot going on, OP. I think life really is quite hard for a lot of people at the moment. I saw a post on Facebook at new year that basically said that if you’re surviving the pandemic and all that’s going on with Brexit, then you are actually doing pretty well and I think there’s a lot to that. I’m a lot older than you and don’t remember a time when things felt quite so unstable, and when jobs were so hard to find and often were unstable and rights were wholly skewed in favour of the employer.

What I would say is that, given the current state of play, you actually have a springboard from where there will be a lot more options in the future. I’m a bit the same as you - trapped by current circumstances - but I keep reminding myself that things do go up and down, and certainly I think the political situation in the UK is so dire, that surely something has to give at some point and better things will come.

That you are managing to save anything is frankly a miracle and it will mount up. Keep going and I think things will get better as your child grows and you find more opportunities and things open up.

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

Fucking hell. Some of the responses on her are so shitty. Like a walking, talking Sun Newspaper, or Daily Mail!

OP, it must be so difficult for you at the moment and I'm sorry that yet again, a man has destroyed a woman's life.

But you're still fighting for a better future for you and your child.

It may seem a bit hopeless at the moment, but when your child goes to school, that will free up a bit of cash and you are going for promotion. There will be opportunities for you. Just perseve.

Thank you. And on a side note he has not ruined my life. He's ruined his.

@NutellaEllaElla

When I saw the thread title I thought it might be about Ukraine or some 3rd world country tbh.

That's unfair. It's not a race to the bottom. People are ok to feel it's difficult due to low wages, high bills and lack of opportunity or help from mumsy and dadsy that some take for granted.

The system needs changing. Men should be forced to pay towards any children they father.

Sorry you're in this situation OP.

@TheCurrywurstPrion

It sounds like you have a lot going on, OP. I think life really is quite hard for a lot of people at the moment. I saw a post on Facebook at new year that basically said that if you’re surviving the pandemic and all that’s going on with Brexit, then you are actually doing pretty well and I think there’s a lot to that. I’m a lot older than you and don’t remember a time when things felt quite so unstable, and when jobs were so hard to find and often were unstable and rights were wholly skewed in favour of the employer.

What I would say is that, given the current state of play, you actually have a springboard from where there will be a lot more options in the future. I’m a bit the same as you - trapped by current circumstances - but I keep reminding myself that things do go up and down, and certainly I think the political situation in the UK is so dire, that surely something has to give at some point and better things will come.

That you are managing to save anything is frankly a miracle and it will mount up. Keep going and I think things will get better as your child grows and you find more opportunities and things open up.

See this is the kind of positivity that helps calm the mind. Thank you. And thanks everyone for your suggestions and kindness. Am reading everything.

Lire is not fixed, you can definitely progress in your career. It may be hard for a couple of years.

For example I took redundancy in 2012 after mat leave, went back to work 1 year later on 2 k less than previous job, but with promotions, job moves and merit pay rises I am now on more than double that 2012 wage 10 years later and with a good chance at a promotion.

So one step at a time, you are safe with your parents, not ideal but safe, you just need to get to the point that ds is at school and reevaluate then.

It is hard now, no point catastrophising the entire future, just concentrate on one foot in front of the other for this moment, you might find yourself in a very different place in 2 years, eg with a promotion and no childcare your options will be different.

(Saving £40 a month is great, well done! Many many save nothing.)

OP your situation sounds incredibly hard.

Can I ask what benefit you’re getting from living with your parents though? If you’re already paying rent and bills to the point where you’re skint and also paying for full time childcare on top of that (£700 on top of 30 free hours is insane - if your son is in childcare 8-6 5 days a week, that’s 50 hours. 30 of those covered by your free hours so that leave 20 hours to pay for - if it’s costing you £700 that means you’re paying £35 AN HOUR?? That can’t be right?) then they’re not helping you with childcare either?

If your parents are charging you market level rent and not helping with childcare then would you not be better moving to a cheaper area? If you really are paying £35 an hour for childcare you must be somewhere insanely expensive, it’s £5 an hour round here for a good childminder and about £8 an hour for nursery.

I get that you get emotional support from parents and if that’s the reason you’re still there then that makes sense, but long term it might make more sense for you to move areas so you can start to save and secure a future for you and your son.

Best of luck, it’s incredibly hard.

@Chestnutpony

It's not the cost of living, but inequality of income in a society and lack of basic services in a society that creates misery. Its not GDP (national income) that drives quality of life (above a certain level) it's income equality, and not having a huge gap between rich and poor. This works no matter if the better equality of income is created by taking higher income earners ( nordic countries ) or fairer pay to start with (Japan ).

Exactly. The huge gap between rich and poor. Also in a rich country we all start from a different base and some have more privilege and a bigger head start than others, it's not that difficult to acknowledge that is it....... unless you read the Daily Mail and follow their 'reasons' for why some are struggling.

@bananatwain give yourself credit for how well you are doing right now and don't pressure yourself for a quick fix. I lived with parents when DC were young and while I put pressure on myself actually my parents and DC were very happy being close with each other and in reality they had a good childhood because of it. They don't stay little for long and then you can shine

I suggest going to one of the many poorer countries around the world to see how they manage

Yes! Every person struggling to pay the gas bill should immediately book a long haul flight….

Honestly, I am sure the harder we do into recession / austerity / financial squeeze the meaner people get.

@DollyDingleberry
She isn’t paying £700 a week to top up her childcare, she is paying £700 a month. So using your assumption of 50 hours a week, it would be about £8 an hour.

@Chasingaftermidnight

Sorry to derail the thread but I’ve noticed this pattern on a few MN threads, particularly ones where a poster is in a difficult situation.

The first few posters to respond to a thread are absolute arseholes. Then more reasonable and empathetic posters turn up.

Why is that? Is it because the arseholes live in their parents’ basements and just sit there refreshing Mumsnet all night, pouncing on any thread where they can tell the OP it’s all her fault?

I would say it is normally stay at home mothers who think they have a perfect marriage because they chose well who are the main problem. Just the naive and superficial though, most SAHMs are well connected with the difficulties everyone can experience.

Life is about choices but luck plays a huge role.

Hi @bananatwain well done for keeping going. YANBU. Ignore the privileged ones on here who felt the need to put blame for a tough situation back on you for not being grateful enough. It’s ok to have a moan!

I agree with the poster who put something about IT further up. It’s a big skills gap right now and not too tough to break into with a short qualification or even there might be one where you can train on the job because the shortage is that bad. When you get a spare moment, whether that’s today or another day, have a look at something like Guardian Jobs, look at the tech jobs with the salary you think could make life much easier for you, and see what qualifications you might need to get there. There might be something where there’s a free online short course you can spend 20 mins on a day for a bit and then you’ve got something on the CV to push you towards that area. Public sector can be tough in terms of pay rises so given your current circumstances maybe it’s time to shift from there if you can.

@RussianSpy101

I wouldn’t be able to vote on this as I am split. Whilst I know things happen and change, there are obviously choices that lead to circumstances and the choices made affect the outcomes and quality of lifestyle. For example, did you already have your own house before getting pregnant? Was your career stable? I appreciate relationships can break down, jobs can be lost, illness and disabilities may affect careers and relationships which more often than not can lead to the woman being the one left struggling financially but there are other factors to consider too. I’ve seen many times on here that babies weren’t planned, but we all know how babies are made and we all know how to prevent that happening. Im not always sure I believe the amount of “contraception fails” that seem to occur.

Wait for the flames...

Op, you may live with your parents but are you getting all the help you can? Check entitledto.co.uk to see if you could get more help.

@bananatwain

I just don't see it changing anytime soon either. The government don't seem to care.

Oh the Government care- a lot!

For their wealthy cronies and letting the rich get richer.
It is so hard for younger people as house prices are SO high in proportion to salaries.

Also council places are hard to get..
A friend of a friend put herself on the council list yrs ago with her baby
Her son is now 16 and they still haven’t had a whisper of a council house.

You aren’t alone with being very worried about bills.
I am, too.

No one should be financially struggling in the UK. We have billionaires and multi millionaires profiting off the labour of millions of employees. The profits go to shareholders not to the hard working staff who did the actual work to bring in the money. It is wrong and it is sickening.

As pp have said, the nursery cost is temporary. Look at the bigger picture, if you can get through this bit with you and DC fed and healthy, and have a job at the end and be debt-free I think you will have done fantastically well.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. You are providing a loving and safe place for your son to live and striving to do more. Don't lose that sense of drive.

Have you had a full benefits assessment from citizens advice or similar? And I mean, based on both your current situation AND what it would be if you moved out of your parents. Children grow up, you won't pay childcare for too much longer and your income will improve on top of that.

Sounds like you are doing an office based job? That skill set is great and offers you more opportunity to progress or jump ship to another better paying office based role. One thing that jumps out to me, you are paying v expensive childcare but working part time hours (I know you are topping up with a few afternoons working elsewhere). See how the promotion goes, but I think you need to move jobs to something full time and probably private sector. You have transferable skills.

Exactly how I feel, landlord is selling and I'm terrified of being homeless as I can't afford anything else in my area and what I can afford is snapped up. Everything is now exortionate, energy, food, petrol. My dd is autistic and that has issues all of its own. My job is changing as my old boss is retiring and I'm getting a new very full on one ! My job as I know it will change. All in all I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Look into the government's "Help to Save" scheme. I don't know if you are eligible but worth a look.

I would love for these people sitting in their nice houses, warming themselves up by their agas, before popping off to Waitrose for their Daily Mail and ground coffee; to actually live like someone like the OP for a week or two before sanctimoniously doing the wanky 'babies can be stopped' or 'Well, move' drone.
What is actually wrong with people. We have a pretty comfortable life, at the moment but have lived in really dire straits before. It also goes the other way. Sometimes I genuinely wish for a modern plague of locusts to fall down on hard hearted judgmental arseholes like some of those above

@RichardsGear

Didn't you know OP - if you chant, "At least I'm not in Ukraine!" three times while clicking your heels, it instantly warms the house, puts food on the table and a few hundred quid in the bank? Magic!

Sorry to derail but this response made me laugh. Too true. The types that come up with those type of comments as Nutella Ella Ella did are certain types that seem to lurk around spreading their particular type of Daily Mail isms around you know the 'if you did this harder' if your did that more', 'what if you did that before you had children' types, 'it much worse for X Y and Z you know'.

OP I'm sorry you are having a really tough time. The citizens advice have appointments where they can help look at benefits so you can see if worth renting and going on UC instead of living with parents. Whether you can get childcare help. Keep trying with the job search and if you have time perhaps a course to increase qualifications - ask someone higher you work with the best thing you could do to gain a promotion. There are people that will signpost you and help you.

Good luck OP