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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 31/03/2022 11:09

I'd stop telling her so much.

Mumdiva99 · 31/03/2022 11:09

18 months is still early days buy I get your point. I can also see his reluctance to change things yet... you have already been through one divorce so you know how things can break down.

I ended up leaving this situation in the end. My regret was I hadn't purchased a property for me earlier. Why don't you move out for a bit, get your own place. Then later on down the line you can get engaged and married....if that's your future. Or not, and you have your own place.

Original poster

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:14

@Mumdiva99

18 months is still early days buy I get your point. I can also see his reluctance to change things yet... you have already been through one divorce so you know how things can break down.

This is exactly my fear, I don’t think for a minute that things won’t work out, as we are both blissfully happy as it stands. However, you can never say with 100% certainly that things will work out and I’m feeling that would leave me in a rather vulnerable state.

OP posts:

RicStar · 31/03/2022 11:15

I mean YANBU but equally your DP could easily take out a btl on the spare property or increase his mortgage if he is keen to do this work, so I am not sure you need to rush to marry for this reason. If it is just you who wants the changes then you can either find them to improve your lifestyle but acknowledging the risk or wait until he is happy to do something combined either putting you in the house or marriage etc

SeptemberAlexandra · 31/03/2022 11:17

You could offer to use the money to buy a share in the home you live in as tenants in common.

MatildaTheCat · 31/03/2022 11:21

Speak to a solicitor to get a written agreement if you invest in his house without owning any part of it. Only marry if you want to and even then your contributions should be legally marked out.

Does anyone really use the word ‘grabby’?

maxelly · 31/03/2022 11:23

Well you don't need to marry to sort out your problem, you could easily buy a % share in the property from your DP to reflect the investment you'd be making in it. Would cost a few hundred to sort out in solicitors fees for a deed of trust, so far as I know. So it's not so much grabby to get married as unnecessary IMO, and although of course marriage 'secures' you in some ways, if you were to split up it does make things more complicated and expensive to resolve. But if you want to get married for other reasons then of course that's fine, but then I don't see where the 'grabbiness' comes into it?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/03/2022 11:30

Sensible is the word I would use. However if things were the other way around, and it was your DP moving in to your property I imagine you would be told not to marry and protect your assets. So I do sort of understand your friends thinking behind it, even if they haven't phrased it very well.

Rewis · 31/03/2022 11:33

Why don't you just buy a % of this house with the money? Or he puts your name on the house and you pay for reno? Why do you need to get married?

Could you get a buy to let from somewhere else?

TwoPenguins · 31/03/2022 11:34

Does your BTL have to be in London? Just buy an affordable property further afield that way you both have your own assets.

Shamoo · 31/03/2022 11:37

You’ve only been together 18 months. Putting the shoe on the other foot, if I was your DP it wouldn’t be sensible for him to marry you so soon just because you want to help improve the house when that would give you a huge claim on what are currently entirely his assets. When you’ve been together such a short time.

Why don’t you put your money in a higher interest fixed term account for a couple of years and see where you are then.

You aren’t BU as such, but it isn’t a good reason to marry in my book. It’s just a good reason to not invest your money in his house.

Mamawarrior · 31/03/2022 11:42

Hmmmmm following as in same situation x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2022 11:46

Your friend sounds awful to call trying to ensure your financial security after you've already been through one divorce "grabby". Its sensible. Its retaining your independence!! Which is vital in this day and age. As the first poster said, don't discuss things so much with her.
What does grabby mean anyway - that you should decide to sacrifice any financial security you currently have to an undefined relationship and just hope for the best so that your friend doesn't consider you "grabby" She sounds jealous/ignorant and you shouldn't rely on her for advice.

You are right not to invest your only financial security in a property owned by someone else.
You need to speak to an independent financial advisor about how to protect your money.
your partner has already secured his financial future and that's fine, so he should but you need to secure yours. And you should be careful that because his money is tied up in his growing assets, that you don't end up plundering your savings to pay for holidays/cars etc.. things that are lovely at the time, but do not add to your financial security. If you have a strong well paid career this may not be such a factor sinc you will still have opportunities to put something by for a rainy day, but if you earn considerably less than him, it could be.
These are difficult times, retirement can sneak up on you, so can unemployment or the need to change your career, retrain, or have time off due to illness. You can be a lot less "grabby" in a relationship if you are both financially secure.
I'm not sure, from reading the threads on here whether marriage is necessarily going to fix your financial security. Make plans to safeguard your assets, youll be surprised how quickly liquid cash can slip away. You can always change your plans if and when the time feels right for marriage, based on the relationship itself. Best of luck

KELLOGSspeck · 31/03/2022 11:49

Can you put a deposit on a house in a cheaper area all together the North? Would you have enough then?

I mean it's not grabby as such but it is too early I would say to get married.

SallyWD · 31/03/2022 11:50

My immediate thought was you could buy a share in his property. This seems like the way forward to me. However if you both want to get married why not? I do think it offers more security should you go on to have a family.

Fairyliz · 31/03/2022 11:53

Well your post is all about money and financial security but you haven’t once mentioned being in love.
I understand where you are coming from and I would want to do the same in your situation. However it does come across a bit like you are just interested in finance rather than finding someone to live and cherish.
Perhaps it’s just that you are pragmatic and she is romantic?

RandomMess · 31/03/2022 11:58

Surely you could purchase a BTL elsewhere in the country where you can afford it to give you financial security?

Montague22 · 31/03/2022 12:05

I’d buy your own place before you are priced out.
You’re not grabby, you’re currently subsidising his mortgage!

MrsWinters · 31/03/2022 12:11

Well you are marrying for financial security rather than love….

Ohyesiam · 31/03/2022 12:14

Is security grabby? What does that make the alternative, destitute but generous?
Your friend doesn’t have any right to air her opinions on your marriage. The only reason I would pass judgement On a future marriage is if I thought my friend was unsafe.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/03/2022 12:16

I'm never opposed to women securing financial security but this is silly. Buy a share in his property and see your investment increase in value or buy a BTL somewhere cheap. Get married when you actually want to.

Original poster

Snoh · 31/03/2022 12:16

@Fairyliz

Well your post is all about money and financial security but you haven’t once mentioned being in love. I understand where you are coming from and I would want to do the same in your situation. However it does come across a bit like you are just interested in finance rather than finding someone to live and cherish. Perhaps it’s just that you are pragmatic and she is romantic?

That’s not true at all, I’ve said that we are blissfully happy! As someone who has already had one failed marriage, I certainly wouldn’t consider marrying again for the wrong reasons I.e. if there wasn’t love, trust and all of the other essentials! :)

OP posts:

HotChoc10 · 31/03/2022 12:18

Do you want to be a landlord? You could just invest your money in stocks and shares instead. Much less faff.

GaladrielHiggins · 31/03/2022 12:24

A friend that doesn’t want you to protect yourself isn’t much of a friend, why is she begrudging you security?

maxelly · 31/03/2022 12:28

All the people saying buy a BTL somewhere cheap, I'm not sure that solves the OP's problems and/or is a good idea. OP lives now and presumably wants to live in the future in an expensive part of the country with fast-growing house prices. Buying a house she'll never want to live in, and that may well not increase much in value or keep pace with the London market could just end up being more cost and hassle than it's worth. A single BTL with a substantial mortgage on it owned by someone that works and potentially is in the higher tax band is usually not very profitable, particularly as OP wouldn't be local and so would have to pay hefty management fees. And it only takes one tenant who doesn't pay rent for months on end or trashes the place for it to become an expensive nightmare when you have a mortgage to pay. I think if OP doesn't want to purchase a piece of her DP's flat and/or get married right now but probably will do in the medium-term future, she'd be better investing the money in an ISA or investment fund than even a BTL in London right now. BTLs really only make sense as an investment if either you think there's a strong chance you'll live there yourself in the future, or you plan on keeping it long term to benefit from the capital growth. Buying and selling rental properties in quick succession doesn't make much sense because of the tax and costs of selling, unless of course you are renovating or otherwise adding a lot of value...

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