Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

[Snoh]

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

Agree with investing in Stocks and Shares ISA

If the sexes were reversed, people would be (rightly) screaming cocklodger.

I'm not sure if it's an "if genders were reversed" thing. To me it's more like since op is asking advice people respond what would be the most beneficial to her. If the partner was asking advice people would be responding on what would be the most beneficial for him. In this case it would be beneficial for op to get married. It wouldn't be beneficial for the partner to get married. Then there is the compromise to be made.

@Thatswhyimacat

It's sensible thinking but also entirely the wrong reason to marry someone.

Would Jane Austen do?

Can you afford to buy a holiday home somewhere?

18 months is still potentially very much the honeymoon period. There's no reason you need to rush into another marriage.
Invest your money the same way you would if you were still single, in stock/shares or look at buying a cheaper property.
Married or not, you need something separate that's yours alone, imo.

I don’t know that I would use the word grabby but I don’t think this is a good reason to get married after such a relatively short period. I’m not even sure a property he already owned would necessarily be matrimonial property (it wouldn’t be in Scotland but appreciate you are in England).

You can invest your money in the stock market or you can see a lawyer and (a) lend him the money with an appropriate mechanism in place for repayment or (b) buy a share of one or both of his properties.

How large is your pot of money? I'm pretty sure you could buy a BTL somewhere in the country and put your money at work that way.

@HotChoc10

Do you want to be a landlord? You could just invest your money in stocks and shares instead. Much less faff.

That’s quite risky though and property prices are increasing a lot at the moment.

If the house is in good condition and an agency is used, being a landlord isn’t a faff at all. You get a phone call every so often to ask for permission to get something sorted out and that’s it, passive income.

Stocks and shares are much MUCH riskier than BTLs - I have had both for over 20 years, and have done much better out of the latter.

I certainly wouldn’t be putting money into someone’s house if you aren’t on the deeds/mortgage and I wouldn’t be rushing to do buy to let either if you can’t afford a good location— it comes with its own set of issues and whilst house prices have still been rising - like shares, there is no guarantee that will always be the case. Personally I would bang a chunk into premium bonds (ok you might not win but you won’t suddenly lose 20k overnight and it’s easy to get it back within 5 days if you need it - and a chunk on low risk ISAS etc. I understand the wanting security etc but there are no guarantees in relationships— married or not. When someone has a lot more assets than yourself then personally with regards to marriage I think it’s fair to let them force the pace— they have more to lose.

Definitely stop tell thatvso called friend your business, she is not happy for you.

You are paying rent as your pot loses value.

You are being smart to realise this.

Move out and start paying a morgage of your own instead of rent to him.

This is NOT in your best interests.

Start looking forva house and start protecting yourself, just as he is.

No one will thank you for being naive.

The longer you stay with him, the less valuebyou can get for your money.

Stop discussing and start looking.

People always say that living together is three commitment as being married, but threads like this prove it isn't.

If it's too soon to be married, it's too soon to be living together.

I married my DH 19 months after getting together (engaged after 3) and we have been married 14 years now.

OP you are right. You need security and if he doesn't want to marry you, then why be together? Either he's committed or he isn't. 18 months is ages! How long would people have you waiting for a commitment?

At your age he needs to shit or get off the pot.

*the same commitment

Sounds like your friend is jealous you’re with such a well-off bloke, OP!

But I’d take a step back and make plans to get your own place, even if it’s not in London. Plan your life as though you’re going to remain single (even if, hopefully, you end up getting married).

If you and your partner want to get married every day next week thats no ones business but your own,tbh your friend seems rather jealous of you and not to be trusted.I wouldn't be telling her anything, she should be so delighted for you but clearly she's not.

To be honest it does sound grabby. You have not known him long and he built up with assets without you so they are nothing to do with you. They are his. Invest your money somehow so you remain independent and can eventually buy your own BTL or something.

I don't think y out should be paying rent. His mortgage is the same whether you live there or not, so to he it feels like he profits from you being there but you have all the risk - no tenants rights and no property of your own.
I think that if he wants you both to live in his house then you ought to be able to put aside the money you would ordinarily spend on rent towards savings for your own house or a mortgage on a btl. Obviously pay your share of bills and general living expenses.
Alternatively use your money to buy a share in his house and become tenants in common. This gives you a real stake and security.
This current situation doesn't benefit him but reduces his bills at your expense.

I don't think you are being grabby - but you are already divorced I am surprised you are thinking of your next marriage should happen as you are wasting money renting! Love this man with all your being and can't imagine not living with him was more what I would be thinking leading to marriage? If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man your 'rent' would not be wasted. I would examine more your issue with marrying so easily.

@zurala

People always say that living together is three commitment as being married, but threads like this prove it isn't.

If it's too soon to be married, it's too soon to be living together.

I married my DH 19 months after getting together (engaged after 3) and we have been married 14 years now.

OP you are right. You need security and if he doesn't want to marry you, then why be together? Either he's committed or he isn't. 18 months is ages! How long would people have you waiting for a commitment?

At your age he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I don't understand your point about if it's too soon to be married you shouldn't live together, can you clarify, are you saying living together is the same commitment as marriage, so if you are going to live together you might as well be married first? Or that living together isn't the same commitment as marriage and so you shouldn't do it - but why not? What's wrong with making a lesser commitment, why does it have to be all or nothing? Both co-habiting and marriage are arrangements which can benefit one party over the other financially so that's obviously a consideration but I don't think that's an argument to say everyone should always get married before living together...

FWIW I think it's eminently sensible to live together for at least a short period of time before marriage and I don't think 18 months is ages at all personally. I've known plenty of early-days relationships fall apart when they see what the other's attitude to housework, leaving the toilet seat up etc really is and it's emotionally, practically and financially way harder to end a marriage than it is a co-habiting relationship. I don't think advising anyone to rush into marriage before they feel ready is sensible advice, great that you were so sure about your DH and that your marriage is a success but realistically a lot of relationships fail and a proper, fairly managed co-habitation set-up needn't cause either party unnecessary financial hardship so I would advise most young people of my acquaintance. It's also very easy and common to enter into a tenants in common arrangement if you want to own your own house, obviously that is more of a commitment to one another than renting but still less than a marriage so can be a good middle ground or sensible stepping stone to marriage that safeguards both parties interests, what's the problem with that?

@DrDetriment
But she is independent just because they are living in the same house doesn't make her less independent and she is paying rent.They are planning to be married at some stage.Just because she met a bloke with property would that make her grabby,lots of men and women own their own properties in their 30's for various reasons like they obviously worked hard and saved hard and didn't squander like some of the people that will call her grabby.It's not that hard really and maybe the green eyed monsters out there would be far better off themselves if they watched their own business instead of other's

It's so funny if this was a woman who owned a house posting about her bf having moved in after 18 months, wanting to be on the mortgage and wanting to get married so he has a stake in he property everyone would be shouting "don't put him on your mortgage, don't get married" but in true mumsnet fashion you should make sure you "secure your future", get him to put you on the mortgage etc etc. To be honest 18 months is no time at all and I'd be very wary of you if I was your bf. You mentioned marriage but this appeared to be motivated by money and houses, the way you talk about it sounds more like a business transaction. If you were dating my brother I'd be telling him to be careful, it does sound like you are trying to get your hands on this man's money rather than wanting to be in a loving relationship with him. If you want to secure your future invest your own money, you shouldn't be looking at how you can extort money from your new bf.

Unless you could be fairly certain of a good return I wouldn't be buying a rental property in a cheaper city. If you are in a full time job the income tax on the property income might be very high. It likely wouldn't cover the mortgage repayments. I am in ROI, our tax system is similar but I'd look into that properly before becoming a landlord. Also I've done accounts for enough l/ls to see how much crap they can come up against. Tenants not paying rent/ destroying the place. It's not something I would be too keen on.

I would speak to a financial advisor about some investment/ savings plans.

I don't know if you boyfriend would be too likely to sell part of his property to you right now. That might be something you can do with the money once you are married.

I also don't think in your 30s 18months is too soon to be thinking of marriage. The whole "if you want to know me come live with me" thing has been explored. After a few months of living with someone you have an excellent idea of what they are like!!

I am in a very similar situation with my partner. He owned a house when we got together which needs renovating. I had a very good chunk of money set aside to get a mortgage but it’s not enough for a BTL as a FTB. He doesn’t have enough to renovate. We want to live in his house with our growing family long term. I am going to pay for the renovations but want everything officially documented in a deed of trust to protect both of us.
I’m not paying him rent until then though, just half bills.

Calling you grabby is rude.
But jump straight into marriage without considering the many alternative options?
Buy a share In his property, loan him the money for improvements , invest.. etc etc.
18 months is very short.
Don’t rely on someone else to provide for your financial future.

Also OP have you considered buying a property, living in it, then converting to a BTL? It’s a lot easier…