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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:
LoganberryJam · 31/03/2022 12:36

I don't think "grabby" is the right word at all so I wouldn't worry about your friend's comments.

However, I do think 18 months is fairly quick to get married, and it sounds like it wouldn't necessarily be the plan if it wasn't for this specific issue, so I would talk to a solicitor and look into other solutions. Not specifically because of your friend's comment, but just because it's silly to rush into marriage too quickly and/or if you're not both fully on board. The suggestion about becoming tenants in common seems like a good one.

Sweepingeyelashes · 31/03/2022 12:40

I'm sorry but if I was your partner there is no way I'd let a woman I'd known 18 months have a share in my house in return for a new kitchen etc.

DameHelena · 31/03/2022 12:40

I think she needs to mind her own.

If you want to get married anyway and this is the 'shove' or impetus to make your mind up, then I say go for it.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 31/03/2022 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TedMullins · 31/03/2022 12:42

Yeah I’m with your friend. It is grabby. Why should he be ensuring your financial security by giving you a claim over properties he bought himself before you met?

I’m the property owner in my relationship (we don’t live together) and if my partner started talking about getting married to secure his financial security I’d be thinking he just wanted to get his mitts on my assets. I agree that using your money to buy a share in his property would be more sensible, and you’d get that + equity back if you split. Or buy yourself a property that you can afford.

Margaretmatcher · 31/03/2022 12:49

OP in your post you said you were going to purchase a property now you cannot afford it. Is it the London prices you cannot afford a btl but look at other areas you can buy a btl in any part of the country sorry to go of piste. Regarding paying for improvements in a house that is not your own imo is not a good idea.

Getoff · 31/03/2022 12:49

I don't think it makes financial sense for him to get married. (In fact he'd be mad to.)

I also don't think it makes sense to mingle money in a house with someone you are not married to, when the amount is an insignificant proportion of the total value. (I assume less than 20% as it's not enough for a deposit.) It'll be more legal effort than it's worth.

Tubs11 · 31/03/2022 12:53

I wouldn't get married for these reasons no and yes, it does sound grabby not to mention unromantic. If you can't afford to buy then invest.

Mercurial123 · 31/03/2022 12:54

Invest your own money until your partner is ready for marriage. Then make decisions then. You're asking a lot after only 18 months.

ConkerBonkers · 31/03/2022 12:57

I hope you're not paying toward his mortgage, just toward bills. If I were you I would consider using your savings, when you have enough to get a BTL. Perhaps in a different part of the country, and get an agent to manage it for you, if that would be an affordable option for you.

Sally872 · 31/03/2022 12:57

It does seem quite business like.

I would use your money to invest in property for yourself as security rather than get married for that reason.

Laptopsandmouses · 31/03/2022 12:58

It’s only been eighteen months, if you planned to buy then why can’t you buy now?

Gilly12345 · 31/03/2022 13:01

Your friend is maybe jealous of your change in circumstances and perhaps is not happy for you.

You should either save your money in an isa or get a solicitor to draw up a legal agreement in your investment into your boyfriends property.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 31/03/2022 13:02

Isn't what you have described the exact reason and purpose of marriage?

It's a legal contract, we dress it up as a big romantic day and event but at its foundation it's a legal agreement that formalises the relationship and sharing of assets.

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/03/2022 13:02

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Sensible is the word I would use. However if things were the other way around, and it was your DP moving in to your property I imagine you would be told not to marry and protect your assets. So I do sort of understand your friends thinking behind it, even if they haven't phrased it very well.
Exactly. If the sexes were reversed, people would be (rightly) screaming cocklodger.

If I were him, I'd make sure my assets brought into any marriage were suitably ring fenced.

What stops the OP consulting a financial advisor and setting up a decent long term savings plan with her spare money or putting it into a pension?

Momijin · 31/03/2022 13:05

Speak to a solicitor and see how he could ring fence his investment and then if you were to split you'd have something but he would have protected his money/property?

Thatswhyimacat · 31/03/2022 13:05

It's sensible thinking but also entirely the wrong reason to marry someone.

godmum56 · 31/03/2022 13:05

well I don't think that your friend is a friend but I don't think its a good idea to force the timing of gettng married for the reason you have given

TiddleyWink · 31/03/2022 13:10

@TedMullins

Yeah I’m with your friend. It is grabby. Why should he be ensuring your financial security by giving you a claim over properties he bought himself before you met?

I’m the property owner in my relationship (we don’t live together) and if my partner started talking about getting married to secure his financial security I’d be thinking he just wanted to get his mitts on my assets. I agree that using your money to buy a share in his property would be more sensible, and you’d get that + equity back if you split. Or buy yourself a property that you can afford.

I agree. This isn’t about retaining your independence as some PPs have suggested - it’s about improving your own situation financially. If I was him I wouldn’t dream of marrying at this point and in this situation. Secure your independence by means other than marrying a well off man if it’s that important to you!
WalkingOnTheCracks · 31/03/2022 13:12

If you buy a chunk of his property, I think you have to pay Stamp Duty on it. Check that out.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 31/03/2022 13:14

Looking at it coldly from his point of view, as your friend did, marrying you risks him potentially loosing 50% of everything he has accumulated before the relationship. I understand that you need security, but if your equity doesn't even cover a deposit in the area you live then in his position I wouldn't marry you. I agree with pp that the fairest thing to do is to see a solicitor to ensure you have a legal interest in his home to cover what you invest or contribute from now on.

FTEngineerM · 31/03/2022 13:16

Well your post is all about money and financial security

Because she’s smart…. If we all lived our lives by our fanny flutters it would be a mess

Summerfun54321 · 31/03/2022 13:16

Marriage after 18 months at your age isn’t too soon, it’s very sensible.

Summerfun54321 · 31/03/2022 13:18

So refreshing to see a post by an OP with their head screwed on for once.

Blossom64265 · 31/03/2022 13:19

Marriage is a financial and legal contract. It always has been and it always will be. It works best between two people who enjoy one another’s company and even better between people who are in love and have sexual chemistry. Marriage is the legal framework for merging your assets and finances and allows you to make joint decisions knowing that the impact of those decisions are viewed as mutual by the government and the financial systems. This framework can provide an excellent environment for raising children and for planning futures if the partners use it wisely.

It’s not grabby to be pragmatic about planning your future. Absolutely marry for love, but realize that legally love doesn’t enter into the equation.

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