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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:
KELLOGSspeck · 31/03/2022 18:43

@Synchrony

People have married for pragmatic reasons for generations. I don't see anything wrong with it.
Would you think the same if it was your own friend, sister or daughter though?

I don't think you would tbh.

LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 18:45

@Synchrony they have, but it was openly pragmatic from both sides…

OakRowan · 31/03/2022 18:46

Short enough that you're still counting in months.

WonderfulYou · 31/03/2022 18:50

I don’t consider an 18 month relationship, having lived together for the majority of that time and already planning our future

How quickly did you move in together?

No ones telling you to break up with him but just slow down a bit.
In normal circumstances you seem to be moving fast but the past 2 years have been very strange times and I’d leave it another year at least before thinking about getting married again.

Right now I’d put your money in an ISA or something that will keep it safe and just pay him rent.

Thewindwhispers · 31/03/2022 18:51

At the moment, there’s more money to be made by investing than from buying property. We’ve explored both and went for Fundsmith which performed well. Speak to a financial adviser.

If the issue is more practical/emotional in that you want to be able to do up the place where you live without throwing money away on a property you don’t own, then the only solutions are marriage or you both move.

I think it is very soon to marry given the recent divorce and length of time you’ve been together, and I would be nervous about spoiling what you have now by pressurising him.

The best idea is buy somewhere together, how annoying that he won’t! You are in a difficult position living in a property you can’t do up.

So Fundsmith is my suggestion in the meantime 😬

Marshatessa · 31/03/2022 18:57

I think you’re very sensible and agreed with your ideas around marriage

thenewduchessoflapland · 31/03/2022 19:05

@FTEngineerM

Well your post is all about money and financial security

Because she’s smart…. If we all lived our lives by our fanny flutters it would be a mess

And how many unmarried women do we see on here especially after having a baby and being on maternity leave with less money who end up getting a raw deal from their partners as they have no legal protection in place.It's pretty smart to think of the future.

When I was pregnant with my eldest I wasn't married,we married when DC was a few months old.We were engaged pre pregnancy anyway but FIL who's the most sensible person I know told my DH he needed to marry me ASAP as we were having a baby and myself and DC deserved the security of marriage.

LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 19:07

The only opinion that matters is your DP's. Not your friend, or MN.
Maybe he loves you so much that he proposes to you on the spot.
Maybe he's not as enamored as you are, and will start to wonder whether you're after his money.

Personally I wouldn't think it's the latter because you seem to have selective financial naivete. You know about inflation, but can't conceive of any other solutions? If you break up you won't be worse off. Just back to where you started. A partner isn't meant to improve your financial situation.

Why don't you ask him to set a specific timescale for marriage, instead of saying you need it NOW? If he has an answer at least then he's serious.

DP knows that I expect marriage within X years and will leave otherwise. No ifs, no buts.

Thehop · 31/03/2022 19:07

@HotChoc10 I would LOVE to have the guys to do this!

LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 19:08

*I would think! no wouldn't, if i were him

koalalala · 31/03/2022 19:23

Seems logical. This is entirely about how you and your partner feel not how your friend feels though.

Perhaps you should start discussing it with him instead of her & you'd probably make more progress

Vijia · 31/03/2022 19:25

A lot of men like to have their partners move in because it saves them having to cook, clean and do the laundry which is always done for love not ££ which is where women get the raw end of the deal unless they are protected legally.

Synchrony · 31/03/2022 19:28

Because you know me so well.

I love my dh but was very pragmatic in considering his proposal.

Synchrony · 31/03/2022 19:29

Was in response to Kellogspec

LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 19:33

@Vijia

A lot of men like to have their partners move in because it saves them having to cook, clean and do the laundry which is always done for love not ££ which is where women get the raw end of the deal unless they are protected legally.
Raw end? How? Maybe if she had kids/benefits/secured tenancy but most of the time partners pay lower, or not rent. They can even sign a professional agreement. Or if he has kids. Rent alone is 1/3 of my income, even with additional bills for a bigger house that's still a huge saving. Of course she shouldn't be his skivvy , and it's in her benefit to quickly find out what his attitude his, for a low cost
Bizawit · 31/03/2022 19:35

Err YANBU at all!! Your friend does not sound like a friend tbh. She’s probably jealous.
Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable in a situation where my partner were my landlord. You need to secure your financial position asap imv.
X

KELLOGSspeck · 31/03/2022 20:14

@Synchrony

Because you know me so well.

I love my dh but was very pragmatic in considering his proposal.

But OP does come across similar to you if that's the case and to be fair you can't fault some who would give her the title of grabby like her own friend did....

OP has had one divorce already but everyone has their own agenda...

LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 20:40

@Synchrony

Because you know me so well.

I love my dh but was very pragmatic in considering his proposal.

Considering the practicalities isn't the same as marrying primarily for financial (or otherwise) reasons, unless there's desperate need.
mewkins · 31/03/2022 20:49

@TwoPenguins

Does your BTL have to be in London? Just buy an affordable property further afield that way you both have your own assets.
This is what I would do too. Probably in a cheaper university city.
VladmirsPoutine · 31/03/2022 20:51

I'm not sure tbh because if you were my friend I'd be pushing you to get married asap. Before COP tomorrow! But if he were my friend I'd be telling him to tread extremely slowly and carefully.

FortniteBoysMum · 31/03/2022 21:36

Could you not have his property valued and buy a percentage of it. This meaning the money can go on improvements. Also meaning your money is increasing in value due to inflation.

Synchrony · 31/03/2022 23:14

She's not after his money though. She just doesn't want to put loads of her own savings into a house she has no claim over. Sounds sensible to me.

KELLOGSspeck · 01/04/2022 07:20

@VladmirsPoutine

I'm not sure tbh because if you were my friend I'd be pushing you to get married asap. Before COP tomorrow! But if he were my friend I'd be telling him to tread extremely slowly and carefully.
Best comment on the thread. This is the dilemma here
mewkins · 01/04/2022 11:41

If I were him I wouldn't want your money to pay for upgrading my house. That massively confuses things. Just keep your money where it is (or move it to somewhere better) and keep paying your way in his house. I can't imagine being out of a divorce (I'm also in that position) and all of that ballache and then wanting to intertwine myself with someone else. You and I know how easy things can go wrong and the simpler you keep it the better.

Mangogogogo · 01/04/2022 12:00

I voted yabu but only because I think marriage really needs that need and want, otherwise it’s destined to fail. Also just because 18 months is too fast (for me). But I also agree with what you’re saying I just think there are better ways around it!