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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:
Michellelovesizzy · 01/04/2022 18:22

It’s between u and ur partner if u want to get married ur reason and ur partners reasons 4 marriage r no1 else’s business ur friend sounds a bet jealous to me just my opinion from what ur saying. Don’t tell ur friend so much and do not spend ur money yet. If and when u do get married then that’s a different story.

Hoping4littlefeet · 01/04/2022 18:30

When I met my DH I had my own residential home, house btl and 2 btl apartments with sister. He still lived at home however he’d previously sold his own house and had money in the bank. We got engaged after a year but didn’t live together until we were married later that year. He gave me a lump sum of money to pay off some of the Mortage which I felt he didn’t need to but insisted, I suppose it was his secu. It has Reduced our bills so it has been a blessing with current circumstances. I would suggest what other people have said and offer to buy in. If you’re a couple and you’re paying into Mortage it doesn’t matter if you’re married you’re still entitled to share if you were to split and sell. I’m not a solicitor so would check it out. In terms of marriage you know what you want and don’t need other people giving their two tuppenny worth.

Hutchy16 · 01/04/2022 18:36

Your fears are reasonable, and your friend is jealous

Scotland32 · 01/04/2022 18:51

YANB but please do not spend ANY of your money on any of his properties until/unless you are are co-owner of them…

BossyFlossie76 · 01/04/2022 18:57

Get married if you want to!

I was in a somewhat similar position and saw a solicitor for a cohabitation agreement to cover my investment.

Then we got married about two minutes later voiding that- but hey ho we did have a plan!

Fluffmum · 01/04/2022 19:32

Buy a small property in another part of the UK and rent it.

Bentley123 · 01/04/2022 19:36

You’re not being grabby, you’re just trying to look after yourself, and your future self.
Who knows what could happen in 5 years- you break up having helped him pay his mortgage/bills but have no assets yourself? Could he let out his property that you are living in and you buy a property for you both to live in?
All the best 😊

Mercurial123 · 01/04/2022 19:50

Could he let out his property that you are living in and you buy a property for you both to live in?

Stamp duty for a buyer in London with two properties would be high?

DanceItOut · 01/04/2022 20:49

It would be grabby if you were only thinking of gaining money from his property but you’re not. What you’re doing is not wanting to invest your money into something that isn’t yours because it would leave you without a safety net but would be more willing to do this is you were married and there was a bit more security involved. It’s not romantic but it’s not grabby either, I think it’s just what happens when you have a healthy dose of realism.

BobISMyUncle · 01/04/2022 21:16

Can't be arsed. You poor poor thing. Thing being the operative word.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/04/2022 21:40

I voted YABU to be thinking about putting the pressure on to marry after a year and a half, he has to protect his interests too. But saying that I wouldn't blow all your money on his house either

threatmatrix · 01/04/2022 21:43

Just get your name on the mortgage or a mortgage

C0mm0nsense · 01/04/2022 21:49

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago. We’d been together about a year and living in his property. I ended up getting a legal contact drawn up to specify how much money I was putting against the property (in my case a small chunk to pay towards the mortgage), so if we were to break up, I’d be entitled to get my money back.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/04/2022 00:30

@Synchrony

People have married for pragmatic reasons for generations. I don't see anything wrong with it.
(so long as the woman is benefitting of course and not the man 😉🙄 )
echt · 02/04/2022 00:38

Synchrony: People have married for pragmatic reasons for generations. I don't see anything wrong with it

so long as the woman is benefitting of course and not the man Wink

What on earth makes you think men don't benefit from marriage, MyrtlerthePurpleTurtle ?

Simonjt · 02/04/2022 06:45

If he was a friend I’d probably be advising him not to marry, if I was him I would be very wary of marrying someone who wasn’t in a fairly similar financial situation if I was unable to ring fence my assets.

It sounds like you can afford to buy a property, but you are choosing to priority property in a location you can’t afford. If BTL is an issue, you could buy a place to live in and then after a year gain consent to let, that way you don’t need such a large deposit.

Popgoestheweaselagain · 02/04/2022 07:50

Whether you get married or not, stop talking to your friend about your problems. She should be trying to help you find a solution, not making you feel guilty!

Laurie000 · 02/04/2022 08:05

Can you buy a house and rent out a room then stay at DP’s the majority of the time? That way you’ll have your house and security, but also get a bit of money towards your mortgage payments.

redgirl1 · 02/04/2022 08:50

I would be nervous if I were your partner, to sign away part of my house or get married for financial reasons after 18 months.
Personally I would go and see a financial advisor find the best place to put your money for a certain period , the advice will change depending on how long.
It’s understandable that you want to be sure of your future financial security but it would be a shame to add this financial pressure to your relationship.
Alternatively maybe think out of the box, buying a buy to let together for example if he has the funds.

Popgoestheweaselagain · 02/04/2022 08:53

Are there other reasons you are keen to get a move on? Are you keen to have children and feel the body clock is ticking? Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was worried your proposal might sound rather unromantic to your partner!? However, most women in their 30s don't feel like they have time to wait around and often have to give their partner a bit of a prod - so you're not alone.

Beverley71 · 02/04/2022 10:17

Do you love him and see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? If the answer is a definite yes then get married. Don’t get married if there is any doubt to this.

With regards to the property, get it valued and see what the equity is. You could buy yourself in by putting half the equity into the home improvement pot, if you then have any money left put it into a savings account in your own name. Then get yourself on the mortgage and on the deeds. Security doesn’t need to be marriage based

PlntLady · 02/04/2022 12:02

Yanbu.
We all have our reasons for not wanting / wanting to marry. And you will be marrying into an existing well established loving relationship.
Is it an option for you to buy into the mortgage on the place you live in currently? The money could be used to pay off a chunk of the mortgage, additionally meaning you should in theory no longer need to pay rent, thus freeing up some of your monthly expenditure to continue contributing to the mortgage going forward. Or you could buy in and rather than pay a chunk off the mortgage, the money could be used for the renovations.

L3andlosingit · 02/04/2022 12:52

Property is a hassle and not a great investment. Get a stocks and shares ISA or something like that. Get financial advice but if your living costs are low, you’re better off with something more high return and less work than property. Maintenance costs can be prohibitive on rentals.

URMyStarship · 02/04/2022 12:56

Your reasons are sound enough and it is absolutely none of your friend's business anyway!

N1no · 03/04/2022 12:11

If I’d be in your DP’s position I would want a prenuptial to secure my assets in case of a divorce. I would consider buying a property outside London. You can get a flat for £110,000 in South Wales and have a rental income of £700 per month if you let two rooms.

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