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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:
Octomore · 31/03/2022 14:29

18 mths is very early days for marriage to be on the table.

And you don't need to marry to solve this issue - you could use your money to buy yourself an investment property/holiday let. Or you could invest it in other ways. Or you could put the money into home improvements, subject to a legal agreement being drawn up that gives you an appropriate stake in the house.

Don't rush into marriage when it isn't actually required to address this issue.

Rosehugger · 31/03/2022 14:30

There might be other options but marriage is the natural one in their case. They are 30, in love, very happy living together and probably want children.

Rosehugger · 31/03/2022 14:36

DH and I have been together for 23 years, married for 18 this year, but we talked about getting married on the first date and moved into together quickly.

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all for someone aged 30 to get engaged after going out with and living with someone for 18 months.

Nothappyatwork · 31/03/2022 14:36

I wouldn’t say you’re grabby but I would say you’re a bit vulnerable if you think that you ploughing all of your money into his property and then getting married he’s gonna give you any level of security whatsoever.

I did exactly what you did I sold my house I had 75 grand in equity from it which then went on sprucing up his first house so that it could be sold. I then put in that money gradually into the next house that we bought together over the years a kitchen here, a bathroom there, replacing the central heating etc when we got divorced he turned around and said I sat on my arse for 10 years, ( not true i worked) done fuck all and I got awarded £13 grand. Not only that I got booted out of my house with my four children that were of course his children but nobody cared about that if I was going to be homeless I could always give them to him right ?

Cherryblossoms85 · 31/03/2022 14:39

Take care what you share with friends. She doesn't sound very friendly. You can invest 20k a year in a stocks and shares ISA and up to 50k in premium bonds. That would potentially at least mitigate inflation. I'd do that for now and also pursue marriage, as you need to have some rights to where you live. What's unreasonable about that?

whynotwhatknot · 31/03/2022 14:40

I was married 2 years after getting together with dh we'd already bought a house aswell

But im not sure youd get automatically half of something he outright owned before you got together

CharlieLo · 31/03/2022 14:43

I'm in a VERY similar position to you right now OP. However, me and my DP have plans to either purchase together, or I pay my lump sum to him and become joint owner of his house. I don't pay towards his mortgage, and instead pay what I spent into a mortgage in savings. This keeps it fair as he's paying his mortgage off and his assest is gaining in value, rather than me then giving him 'rent' and losing out in the mean time.

vivainsomnia · 31/03/2022 14:55

18 months is nothing. I can see how you'd be keen to marry ASAP to protect yourself, but if I was your OH's mum, I would advise him not to do so as he is risking to loose half of more of his investment.

There are other ways to I vest your money. What you are after, ultimately is a share of his.

Lwren · 31/03/2022 15:13

London is crazy expensive, so instead why not buy a holiday home and air bnb it?
Maybe Wales or Yorkshire? Idk, maybe I'm talking bollocks but thats what I'd do

ScrollingLeaves · 31/03/2022 15:15

You don’t sound at all unreasonable. On the contrary.

I should be wary of telling your friend so much.

Good luck to you and your DP. You sound happy together.

Cyw2018 · 31/03/2022 15:16

YANBU. Marriage is absolutely a financial contract rather than a romantic excuse for a big expensive party, and if more women viewed is as such there would be a lot less women in financially vulnerable positions thus opening themselves up to abuse. Obviously it's fine to have a nice wedding day too.

oakleaffy · 31/03/2022 15:26

I’d advise anyone with property to never get married!
The potential for losing a valuable asset is just too great if it all goes tits up.

Ilady · 31/03/2022 15:27

I think that your being sensible. You and your partner have talked about getting married but that all at the moment despite the fact that you are living together. You said you are paying rent. How much are you paying? It is a small amount or the normal rate for the area? In effect are you paying half his mortgage with no legal rights to any share of the house if you were to split up down the line because everything is in his name?

At the moment I would not be paying half his mortgage or putting money towards home improvements. I would be paying 50% of the household bills, electric, gas ect. His expenses are less with you doing this and meanwhile your able to save more.

Rather than a buy to let I would put money into an ISA, a high interest savings account, premium bonds ect. I look up Martin Lewis online money advice as I think their maybe a government savings plan that gives you extra cash when you save to buy a house.
I don't think your being grabby but you have to think about your own future re both finances and getting a place to live. Theirs no point in working hard to fund your partner home and home improvements. As well as that your both in your early 30's and if marriage and kids is something you want I would be telling him this in the next few months.

I would be very careful who I tell about my boyfriend and money in your circumstances. Your friend may have called you grabby because she my think your with him for money or knows long term that you could end up better off than her.

I have one friend where we both chat to each other about money. We do this to get the other person's point of view or advice. We both know we're not getting judged or it wont be told to other people.
A few years ago my friend asked me about a few family and financial issues they were having. Some family members wanted them to do a certain thing. My friend wanted to see were their family being fair or was my friend being unreasonable about not doing what they asked. I warned my friend off doing this and gave them reasons why long term it was a bad idea.
In this family a few golden children have been helped out a lot but my friend has been given as little as possible. My friend is currently sorting out things to improve her own financial future because as they said I am an adult and long term I want to be in a good position.

DenholmElliot · 31/03/2022 15:27

If you want your lump sum to grow you are going to have to invest it in either a property or some investment products.

I don't think your boyfriend will marry you if you're not his financial equal, sorry.

Mercurial123 · 31/03/2022 15:27

How long have you been divorced for OP? You seem to be in a rush to get married again.

Sushi7 · 31/03/2022 15:31

You barely know each other. You’ve been together for one year. It might be better to slow things down if you’ve only just divorced. Invest your money in something else.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2022 15:31

18 months!? Just calm down a bit. You’re still in the dating phase.

Stick your savings in a pot. If you’re already paying rent, you don’t need to pay any more.

mycatisannoying · 31/03/2022 15:32

Not once do you mention the 'L' word or anything resembling it.
Sorry, but I can see your friend's point.

mamabr · 31/03/2022 15:33

Could you not look at buying somewhere cheaper, outside of London. With just your name on the deeds, even if it's up north?

I personally wouldn't put any big amount of money into a property that doesn't have my name attached to it. Unless you make a contract to pay for the refurbishment and your partner will repay you.

Also, your friend needs to mind her business, it's your choice if you want to get married. Just make sure you're sure 🙂

Original poster
Snoh · 31/03/2022 15:39

@Mercurial123

How long have you been divorced for OP? You seem to be in a rush to get married again.
The divorce went though two years ago, though we’d been broken up long before that and living separately.
OP posts:
BoredZelda · 31/03/2022 15:45

Why do you need to spend the money? Keep it in savings and get married when you feel the time is right.

NumberTheory · 31/03/2022 15:47

Your reasons for want to marry now are pragmatic and financial. But that’s the point of legal marriage. It isn’t money grabbing to want a way to ensure your own financial position isn’t worsened because you’re in a relationship with someone who already has that sorted.

But…I don’t think, at this point, marriage or entangling yourself in your DP’s properties is the best way to do that. I would look to invest the money in some other way and build up a bigger pot for yourself

Octomore · 31/03/2022 15:59

It's all academic though, isn't it, because at no point in your OP does it say that your DP actually wants to get married at any point soon (talking about it as a possibility doesn't really count).

And, to be fair, he'd be mad to do so given the disparity in your financial positions. So you're better off securing your own future by investing what you have wisely, rather than hoping this man will marry you and solve your problems.

Cyw2018 · 31/03/2022 16:01

If you want to invest you money in a way that tracks the property market have a look at property partner.

LadyShatterly · 31/03/2022 16:02

Ringfence it legally without getting married or invest it with a view of getting an income and help him using that.

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