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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend says my reasons for wanting to get married are ‘grabby’, AIBU?

175 replies

Snoh · 31/03/2022 11:03

DP and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half (living together for much of that time and v happy). When we met, I was living in a rental following a divorce and sale of the martial home. I’d planned to use my money from the sale to purchase a property for myself, but when I met DP he already had two properties, 1 he lives in and another he rents out. DP owns his rental outright and has a lot of equity in the other property (both in London) so he was keen for us to live in his place, resulting in me moving in.

I’ve been living with DP for some time now and we are very happy in his (our) place, but I’m left with a chunk of money I don’t know what to do with and living in a house that isn’t mine. I don’t have a deposit big enough for a buy to let mortgage, so using my money on a rental property isn’t an option either. There are plans to make numerous improvements to the place we are in now, such as new kitchen and bathroom, but DP is having to do this gradually as and when he can afford it. I can’t help but feel I have a pot of money which could easily cover all of this work and more, yet clearly I can’t help out at the moment as I have no rights to the property. I also feel like I’m in a vulnerable position at present as whilst DP’s properties are appreciating in value (and I’m paying some rent to live here), I’d be left with nothing if we were to break up and with my own pot of money which has only lost value due to inflation etc. I’ve suggested renting this place out and buying somewhere together, but DP feels this wouldn’t be a good option atm given high prices.

I feel like due to all of these reasons, It’d be far better for my security if we were to marry. We have both agreed we see marriage in our future but have not discussed any timescales and at my age, I’m really keen to secure my future. Are my motivations for marriage unreasonable as my friend has implied?!

OP posts:

erinaceus · 31/03/2022 16:06

I don't think you are grabby to consider marrying as one way through this slightly complicated situation. However I am not sure that that is the answer, depending on each of your perspectives on how assets are shared in a marriage.

At the moment, the money you would otherwise have invested in property is somewhere not invested in property, putting you in a less good position than you would have been if you had gone along with your plan of buying somewhere yourself if you had not met your DP. Your DP is not affected by this at all, and from the sounds of it doesn't view it as a particular problem to solve. Are you able to explain to him how much this situation is making you uneasy, and see if you can come up with a solution together? For example you might be able to finance a buy-to-let property jointly by combining your and his salaries and your deposit, or as others have said perhaps you could purchase a share of his property with your deposit money and contribute a bit to his mortgage payments, enabling you to build up a bit of equity that way. Or look at investing in something else -- a bit more of a challenge.

I think the trick is to help him to understand the extent to which this is bothering you, and see if you can come up with a solution that makes you feel better about the situation. Otherwise you are losing out in a way.

OakRowan · 31/03/2022 16:09

18 months in, buy your own place and see how you get on.

KarmaStar · 31/03/2022 16:12

Tbh you do Seen to be,rightly or wrongly,prioritising your financial future over anything else so I can see why you appear to be a gd.
If this was the other way round there would be lots of ltb! Votes.
Establish your own separate financial security then see if you still want marriage for the right reasons.

grapewines · 31/03/2022 16:15

@DrDetriment

To be honest it does sound grabby. You have not known him long and he built up with assets without you so they are nothing to do with you. They are his. Invest your money somehow so you remain independent and can eventually buy your own BTL or something.

Agree with this. If I were his friend I'd advise that he ring-fence assets.

erinaceus · 31/03/2022 16:28

Are you saving money on rent by living with him? I would imagine you are saving money on both rent and bills. Set aside those savings with an eye to buying a buy-to-let as soon as you have enough saved up, perhaps?

Synchrony · 31/03/2022 16:34

People have married for pragmatic reasons for generations. I don't see anything wrong with it.

HowIsItMarchAlready · 31/03/2022 16:35

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

It's so funny if this was a woman who owned a house posting about her bf having moved in after 18 months, wanting to be on the mortgage and wanting to get married so he has a stake in he property everyone would be shouting "don't put him on your mortgage, don't get married" but in true mumsnet fashion you should make sure you "secure your future", get him to put you on the mortgage etc etc. To be honest 18 months is no time at all and I'd be very wary of you if I was your bf. You mentioned marriage but this appeared to be motivated by money and houses, the way you talk about it sounds more like a business transaction. If you were dating my brother I'd be telling him to be careful, it does sound like you are trying to get your hands on this man's money rather than wanting to be in a loving relationship with him. If you want to secure your future invest your own money, you shouldn't be looking at how you can extort money from your new bf.

Absolutely this. All the people who are saying they should get married - would you say the same if the man in question was your son?

Independence is achieved by doing things yourself - not having financial security because you are claiming a stake in someone else's assets.

BlueOverYellow · 31/03/2022 16:40

I wouldn't be paying for improvements to his home if you're not married.

Nothappyatwork · 31/03/2022 16:41

@BlueOverYellow

I wouldn't be paying for improvements to his home if you're not married.

Or even after they are married honestly did anybody read my post it makes no difference he will still be able to get in front of a judge and say I owned that before I met her, end of story nobody will care that she spruce the place up and made it saleable.

Octomore · 31/03/2022 16:48

But surely you would just keep the quotes/correspondence/receipts from the work carried out, and make sure there is a trail (e.g. bank transfers) showing money moving out of your account to pay for them?

It's not usually difficult to find evidence that you've earned money and paid for things, unless I'm missing something?

GrumpyPanda · 31/03/2022 16:55

YABU if you want to get married solely so you can invest your funds in an appreciating asset. I get your point about BTL mortgages but there's nothing to stop you from investing in some decent ETFs instead. Stocks tend to appreciate in line with real estate. Yes you'll still be paying some in rent but with a mortgage you'd be paying interest as well as repayments of principal so little difference there.

Nothappyatwork · 31/03/2022 16:57

@Octomore

It's not usually difficult to find evidence that you've earned money and paid for things, unless I'm missing something?

It’s literally irrelevant that’s the point they literally don’t care. The fact are you made it look pretty not contributed to the assets, which were already owned prior to the marriage the only way this could possibly work out in the OP‘s favour is if she takes that money puts it into his house and reduces the mortgage accordingly.

Concestor · 31/03/2022 17:00

I can't quote the person who asked me a question. To answer: on here I often see people saying that living together is as much of a commitment as being married. So my whole post was about that. If you read it again with that in mind it should make sense.

Concestor · 31/03/2022 17:05

I can't make quotes work today! Someone said if this was your son would you advise him to get married?

Yes. If he's committed then he's committed, and if he isn't committed they shouldn't live together. I think 18 months is plenty of time to know if you want to commit to someone or not.

Octomore · 31/03/2022 17:12

@nothappyatwork - wow, that's depressing. So improving the asset is viewed as irrelevant?

I can see that a lick of paint would be negligible, but £75k worth of work....

MrKlaw · 31/03/2022 17:15

for a first property can you buy with a mortgage as your own home, 'live' in it for whatever token amount of time is needed, then rent it out?

or if you move out do you have to convert a mortgage into a btl one?

Nothappyatwork · 31/03/2022 17:27

[quote Octomore]@nothappyatwork - wow, that's depressing. So improving the asset is viewed as irrelevant?

I can see that a lick of paint would be negligible, but £75k worth of work....[/quote]
I was pretty depressed yes and especially as he didn’t add 75,000 to the sale price he literally just sold it for what he bought it for to get rid of it so there was absolutely buttons left to even split between us. And equally because it wasn’t my house I got absolutely no sigh as to when it was sold so now I have to start again in a first-time buyers home with four kids.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2022 17:38

@Synchrony

People have married for pragmatic reasons for generations. I don't see anything wrong with it.

For ever.

Sushi7 · 31/03/2022 17:39

The divorce went though two years ago

So within 2 years you were divorced, met someone new and then engaged? Slow down. You’re still dating.

Booboobagins · 31/03/2022 18:02

My DH and I married after 1 year.

I think you know who you should be with, it has nothing to do with length of the relationship. Now you've lived together you know each other far better too. What's holding marriage up?!

WonderfulYou · 31/03/2022 18:09

YABU - you’re only in your early 30s, you’ve already been married and divorced, you’ve only been with this guy for a year and a half and you’re already thinking about marriage again - slow down.

I would hope you are blissfully happy considering you’ve not been together very long.

Considering your last marriage ended in divorce I would have thought you’d have wanted to spend a good few years not being married.
You do seem in a rush to get married.

Mercurial123 · 31/03/2022 18:12

I think you know who you should be with, it has nothing to do with length of the relationship. Now you've lived together you know each other far better too. What's holding marriage up?!

Not everyone is in a rush to get married and the OP is recently divorced?

Shelaydownunderthetable · 31/03/2022 18:15

Slow down - buy your own BTL somewhere nice, but cheaper, or buy a share in his property.

Vijia · 31/03/2022 18:26

Are you aware of the fact that statistically, first marriages have the greatest overall chance of not breaking down, second marriages fail at twice the rate of the first and third halves that and so on?

So while you are blissfully happy now that is because you are in the honeymoon period. It is said that the itch in first marriages come after 7 years, for second it is just over 2 years so sorry to put a dampener on things op.

Definitely invest in property in your own name if you can. If you cannot afford property then some land will do as historically, land prices always go up.

Hth

Original poster

Snoh · 31/03/2022 18:27

@Sushi7

The divorce went though two years ago

So within 2 years you were divorced, met someone new and then engaged? Slow down. You’re still dating.

As I mentioned, we were separated long before the divorce went though. I don’t consider an 18 month relationship, having lived together for the majority of that time and already planning our future to be ‘dating’, no. But thanks for your input all the same :)

OP posts:

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