To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

Could he do any self-employed work at weekends to earn extra? Any scope for overtime at work? Has he researched any ways to reduce the cost of flights etc? Birthday and Christmas money from his parents/family?

How much money does he have that is his for spending on things purely for himself?

You will also have to factor in the cost of attending the wedding too. Is it local? Would it be a weekend away? Wedding clothes, present, drinks. If he wants to go to the stag and wedding he'll have to do a lot of saving.

It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity with his besties. I'd tell him to go but expect him to look for ways to help build up the savings after.

I would state to him that you don't want him bringing up your surgery against you as not the same and I would also ask him to double check with the stag that he actually is covering drinks etc and won't be getting your DH to stump up his share for this. Those would be my conditions.

“Life is for living. With all the shit of the last 2 years of covid, and the talk of nuclear/world war 3, then what’s the bloody point any more?

Friendships mean a lot to some people. Making memories he can cherish and joke about for the rest of his life, something to look forward to and look back upon. Life can’t just be the drudgery of full time working like a dog to top up a savings account to die with.“

Absolutely agree!

Yanbu.

What are your plans for a family holiday?

I can understand your financial concerns but I'd "let" him go. When he gets back you can both make an effort to reestablish the savings.

I'd encourage my DH to go. Yeah finances aren't ideal but we'd find a way to make it work. A good deal on a loan or credit card if need be, with a bit extra for u and the kids to go off and do something nice. It's a once in a lifetime trip by the sounds of it. Save every penny, cut corners where they can be cut.

Life shouldn't always be all work and no play.

I would let him go. He sounds like he works hard and is a good husband and father. Life is for living - it’s just you both have slightly different ideas what that means.

It’s only money and things have a way of working themselves out.

If you feel pushed - half from saving go a and half on a zero interest credit card in his name -

YABU. I mean a holiday and surgery are hardly comparable, but a once in a lifetime trip like that? I wouldn't be standing in his way. And we don't have savings.

I'd do whatever I could as a family to make it possible to go. It sounds like an amazing trip with his friends rather than the typical stag do, and as his dream holiday it'll never cost him this little to make it happen by himself.

But if it genuinely isn't affordable then of course the bottom line is that it is a luxury and family comes first.

I agree with @LittleOwl153 say he can go but he’s got to work out a way of paying for it. Taking you down to £900 emergency money is not ok.

Also he’s a dick for bringing up the surgery.

I’m shocked that anyone is considering your necessary surgery to have been a treat that you could have gone without to save the family money, and now you owe it back to your husband. Disgusting. What were the savings for, if not for emergency/Ill health? Tell him he can have half the savings and needs to make up the rest himself, assuming you are also doing your best to rebuild the savings pot. If he needs surgery in the future for something the NHS deems non essential then you can use the half he didn’t spend on that, and he should be bloody grateful.

@FleurDeLizz

That sounds like an absolute once in a lifetime trip that he won’t have the chance to do again (not like a family holiday at all). If it were my DH I’d be making a plan with him where we can cut back on spending so that we could work towards rebuilding the savings and allowing him to go.

While I don’t think your surgery is or should be a factor, your jealousy absolutely is.

This. The trip of a life time with his three closest friends paid for with money you have and you want to say no? If it was my bloke I’d be doing my utmost to make it possible.

Who has a 10 day stag? Does this mean he is using up a chunk of his annual leave?

How much will the wedding cost, if this is the stag?

Reading stuff like this makes me realise why some people are keen to stay single. Miserably totting up who has the right to whatever, ‘letting’ each other do things. Glad my relationship isn’t like this.

It is wrong to compare your surgery with his holiday but I still think he should go. Unless the whole £2k is your money.

YABU. If my friends went on my dream holiday I'd be going.

@SpiderVersed

YABU.

He should go, but also plan some cutbacks to help replace the money spent.

this.

But he was wrong to compare it to your situation. You were in pain. He is going on a jolly.

@Theluggage15

Reading stuff like this makes me realise why some people are keen to stay single. Miserably totting up who has the right to whatever, ‘letting’ each other do things. Glad my relationship isn’t like this.

I know 😵

Absolutely YANBU. We are facing a huge cost of living crisis and if either or both of you lose your job £900 is not going to go very far.

You spent money for surgery on a serious and debilitating medical condition for which there is a long NHS wait. This is his "dream" holiday. Sorry mate, we all have dreams. Wales is nice for fishing, hiking and mountain climbing.

Let him go.

If I were your DH I wouldn’t even consider 10 days in the Rockies as an option if I only had £2K in savings.

He’s utterly ridiculous to ask.

I’d have no respect for a man who couldn’t cut his cloth according to his means.

It also sounds as if you would struggle to make up the savings. Unless he can find another way to finance it ie a part-time job (not a loan/credit card) then I don't think he should go. Fine if you can simply build up your savings again but it doesn't seem that easy for you as a family to do that.