Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 30/03/2022 15:02

It would be a shame for him to miss out on what could be a once in a lifetime trip, until one of the other two gets married that is.

Is the stag really picking up all the food, drink and activity costs? What about transport/car hire?

Are they sure they can get flights for that price? If they're taking bikes that will bump up the cost. Has he thought about travel insurance, which will be expensive for an activity holiday.

Could he work overtime/get an evening job to earn the money required without spending your emergency fund on a big treat for him alone?

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 30/03/2022 15:02

YABU this sounds like a once in a life time trip. He can’t not go.

Theluggage15 · 30/03/2022 15:03

He should go. Sounds like a dream trip, stag is paying for food and activities, it’s a great deal. You can build savings back up again. You are jealous, you would rather the money be spent on a family holiday, so basically all the money should be spent on you. I would work out ways to help him go.

Getoffmyshoes · 30/03/2022 15:04

YABU - this is a trip of a lifetime and it’s not like you’d be getting into debt for him to go. Ok, the drop in savings is not ideal but is there any areas you can cut back in order to afford it?

If this was my DH I would move heaven and earth for him to go and I know he’d do the same for me. That’s how marriage should be.

CrushedPistachios · 30/03/2022 15:04

@LittleOwl153 you wouldn’t ‘let’ him have access to his money? He could rightly take a half of the savings into his personal account now if he wanted to. Withholding access to people’s own finances is really shoddy.

Op I think if you ‘block’ his access to his money you need to accept that it will cause a possible lifetimes resentment to miss out on this trip.

Lwren · 30/03/2022 15:05

Aww, let him go!

I get your argument but it's still mean to not let him go.
Just cut a few corners for saving up again.
It sounds a really good stag do, really quite a once in a lifetime experience with his pals.
You'll read people spending more on drugs, gambling and sex work etc on here in a few days!

Your surgery is a separate issue from this entirely and I get it, but surely if you're happier with a family holiday you can just leave that this year and give DH this opportunity.

RealRaymondReddington · 30/03/2022 15:05

YANBU, that is a ridiculous amount of money for a stag do. Why have these relatively unimportant do's become such big events now. That's the type of holiday you do with your family/partner, not a stag do.

Phlewf · 30/03/2022 15:05

There’s miles between not going and depleting the savings. Like op’s I would be saying he can get a part time job, short term to earn thr money. There’s a balance to be struck so that he doesn’t miss all family time before now and then but something like Uber or delivery driving could plug the gap.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:05

@BarbaraofSeville

The stag is loaded but I’m not convinced the others won’t ending paying for stuff. Not because the stag will make them, but them insisting on buying rounds etc as typically happens on nights out. There’s a town nearby with restaurants etc so I imagine they’ll be going out and spending.

Not sure on flights tbh. He’s only had a quick look, he hasn’t gotten as far as adding baggage etc. I imagine they will rent bikes though.

OP posts:
fringely · 30/03/2022 15:05

@Blossom64265

My DH wouldn’t dream of spending our last 2k of savings on a trip. That is far too low to be thinking about any holiday, let alone a solo holiday.

Using your need for medical care as an argument to deplete the family savings on something frivolous is just low.

This.

£2000 does not an emergency fund make! (And I don't mean that judgementally because we are not much better).

There would be no talks of holidays in our house until that was much more boosted, and then it would be for the whole family.

Sorry your medical situation is being used against you, I think that's really unfair

nearlyspringyay · 30/03/2022 15:06

Not comparable but 10 days for a stag, that's almost half my holiday allowance.

CharlotteRose90 · 30/03/2022 15:06

I’m sorry but I’m with him. Your needs don’t justify him not being able to spend joint money on something he wants. You had yours which I’m guessing was a lot more then £2k. It’s his dream holiday and if you were my partner I’d resent you forever for trying to boss me into not going.

Annoy · 30/03/2022 15:07

This whole situation makes me wonder why people get themselves in to relationships… surely you should still be able to do the things you want to do with friends, such as holidays?…. Why do families always have to holiday together?

I8toys · 30/03/2022 15:07

YANBU and I say that cos I hate ridiculously extravagant stag/hen do's. Can't compare a trip to surgery and he's being a dick to do so.

Annoy · 30/03/2022 15:08

@RealRaymondReddington

YANBU, that is a ridiculous amount of money for a stag do. Why have these relatively unimportant do's become such big events now. That's the type of holiday you do with your family/partner, not a stag do.
It’s not just a stag do though
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/03/2022 15:09

I think it's absolutely ridiculous to have such an expensive stag do and for your husband to be a sulky teenager about it.
If you could afford it yes but you can't so no.
He needs to grow the heck up and be a responsible family man.
You situation in no way compares.
I'd be furious if that was my husband. Why does he think he deserves a holiday and you don't. So bloody selfish it makes me fume.

fringely · 30/03/2022 15:09

Stag and hen dos which are this extravagant and ask for so much money and time are 💩

comealongponds · 30/03/2022 15:09

I don’t like adults “letting” each other do stuff but YANBU to not want him to go. He’s being unfair comparing a private surgery to alleviate significant pain to a holiday! It’s not unreasonable to not want to spend the majority of your savings on a special trip for just one of you. £2000 isn’t very much in the grand scheme of things, it could easily be wiped out by a couple of things going wrong with your car/home and needing urgent fixing or replacement.

If he can save up separately for the trip without dipping into your joint savings, then fair enough. Although he needs to be realistic about costs, not spending anything on food/drink/activities seems unlikely.

applewhitenights · 30/03/2022 15:10

It does sound like a good opportunity for him to do a once in a lifetime trip for that price. However I would also be edgy about having less than £2k in savings if we couldn't replenish it quickly. You're surgery should not be taken into account. It was medically necessary and nhs wait lists for anything are terrible let alone endometriosis. I'm sure if he was wanting the money for pain saving surgery you would allow it.

Can you compromise? Can he sell anything to negate some of the cost? Can he do extra hours at work? I don't think you should have to cut back as a family just so one person can benefit, unless you have a massive shopping habit or something.

whoruntheworldgirls · 30/03/2022 15:10

Can he put his share on an interest free credit card? Or the flights at least to reduce the hit on savings? He's then responsible for the credit card bill

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 30/03/2022 15:11

I say YABU because it's both your savings, yours was spent on surgery but what does he get? Nothing?

It's a once in a life time thing, it will never come around again. Maybe he can pool some extra money into the savings by working extra hours or get a second job?
It does seem unfair you get to spend the savings but not him.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 30/03/2022 15:11

Offpoint.... but make sure he looks at Westjet for flights (if he goes). Really reasonable and fly direct between Gatwick and Calgary

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 15:11

Surgery is nothing like a holiday. He's ridiculous.

Could you ask him what his plan for building the emergency pot back up is?

LimeSegment · 30/03/2022 15:11

Your surgery shouldn't come in to it but it sounds like a once in lifetime trip. Yes it's a stag do but the opportunity to get a group of friends together and go on a great trip doesn't come around often. You will still have some money in savings, you won't be going in to debt for it. Maybe a once in a lifetime trip will come up for you in a few years, and you can take it too.

Parky04 · 30/03/2022 15:11

If you don't 'let' him go then your relationship might not be the same again. His mates will be talking about this trip for a long time and your DH will resent you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread