Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland · 30/03/2022 15:34

If it was vegas I’d see your point but this is an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity. £1100 is amazingly good price too

Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 15:35

Yanbu!

It’s very unfair of him to mention the surgery. That was an emergency which is precisely what the fund is for.

The truth is that your DH is simply not as wealthy as his oldest friends, and can no longer afford to keep up with them. If he’s honest with them about that, I expect they’ll be happy to change the holiday destination to eg log cabin in Scotland and rock climbing canoeing there etc. The true problem here is that your DP is pretending to his friends that he’s richer than he is.

He is being v v unreasonable to want to use your joint emergency fund to try to keep up with his wealthier friends.

What if the boiler breaks? Or one of you needs more emergency treatment and the NHS waiting lists can’t help? If he breaks a tooth over xmas he’ll be v glad he didn’t blow all his cash on a posh holiday.

mycatisannoying · 30/03/2022 15:36

YABU and really joyless. Sorry. If he has been extremely supportive, then it might be nice to 'let' him go.

mycatisannoying · 30/03/2022 15:36

YABU and really joyless. Sorry. If he has been extremely supportive, then it might be nice to 'let' him go.

Onthetoadagain · 30/03/2022 15:36

I wouldn't be stopping him going but I would expect him to find a way to meet the cost. This is not what joint savings are for. Surgery is not the same, in my view. It's not like you had a boob job, you were in severe pain. His argument is spurious there. Could he do overtime or find a second job for a few months?

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 30/03/2022 15:36

He’s being a dock bringing your surgery into the argument.
But YABU to not let him go.
There are ways and means of spreading the cost, PPs have given some good ideas above.

soootiredddd · 30/03/2022 15:36

Also please don’t listen to people who are just saying “get a loan” or “put it on a credit card”. You need to pay those back you know! How is the OP meant to do this?

toomuchlaundry · 30/03/2022 15:36

What amount of savings do all the posters saying let him go have? I can't imagine leaving us in a potentially financially precarious position for a holiday, once in a lifetime or not.

Tealember · 30/03/2022 15:37

It's a tough one as I can see both sides. I think if you don't let him go, he will resent you. It does seem a shame to miss out on a once in a lifetime holiday, especially if activities etc will be paid.

However, firstly he should not compare it to your surgery as it's completely different and unfair.
Also, I completely understand that you will have no financial buffer, so that needs to be considered. In honesty, I'd feel put out if my partner spent our life savings on a luxury holiday for himself, leaving me and the kids with no holiday at all. I know it's his dream holiday but would he be happy if you spent most of your savings on a dream holiday for yourself, leaving him with the kids?

Highfivemum · 30/03/2022 15:37

If it’s his dream holiday and a once in a lifetime then YABU. Make some cutbacks before the holiday. Don’t stop him going.

soootiredddd · 30/03/2022 15:38

I am always amazed at how many people with seemingly good incomes have no savings and heaps of debt. The number of people saying “just get a loan” explains why.

Movingonup22 · 30/03/2022 15:39

He’s a sick to compare it to your endo surgery

But I think it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and he should go

But he should be conscious of needing to make some sacrifices to do so where he can

Tealember · 30/03/2022 15:39

Also as others have said. The only way it may work if he could raise at least some of the money towards it, maybe extra hours at work if possible.

MumW · 30/03/2022 15:39

Surgery was an emergency because you were in severe pain.
A holiday is a pleasure.
The two are NOT comparable.

When you have children, you take on responsibility. One of those responsibilities is providing for your family. One of the casualties of this is personal extravagance and sacrifice is part and parcel of parenthood.
Maintaining an emergency fund to cover car troubles/heating malfunction/cost of living hikes/medical expenses etc is part of that responsibility.
If you aren't in a position to add to your savings regularly, then you simply cannot afford this trip.

I think that not seeing the difference between urgent surgery and a jolly would have me considering his commitment to the family unit and would potentially be a deal breaker for me.

My DH has missed out on stag dos and we've missed other opportunities that cost far less with more in our emergency fund because it would be irresponsible to put our family's finances and security in jeopardy. FWIW, my not so old car with low mileage for its age has unexpectedly broken down and will cost at least £1000 to get back on the road - these things happen.

ChickenSkinny · 30/03/2022 15:39

YABU- it’s a trip of a lifetime. Not comparable to your surgery though so he should shut up about that.

CatsArePeople · 30/03/2022 15:40

Absolutely YANBU. We are facing a huge cost of living crisis and if either or both of you lose your job £900 is not going to go very far.

Inflation is coming, that money sitting in a bank will just lose value. Makes sense to spend it.

BaconMassive · 30/03/2022 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LampLighter414 · 30/03/2022 15:40

Sorry but YABU

speakout · 30/03/2022 15:41

The fact that he is using the surgery against you is HORRIFIC. That would make me think ALOT less of him.

Agreed.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:41

The surgery wasn’t something I chose lightly. There were months of discussions with DH and me literally in tears to my GP at times begging for referrals and help.

The reality of my condition is that the pain will come back in a couple of years anyway, and I won’t be able to afford private surgery to get rid of it next time.

I really want him to go but I’m terrified of us not having that £2000 if we need it. If the boiler breaks are our kids supposed to just suffer? If he were to get a part-time job to fund it I’d be behind him all of the way.

OP posts:
vitahelp · 30/03/2022 15:42

I thought you were going to say it was a trip to Ibiza or something and was prepared to say he shouldn't go, but after reading where the stag do is and the fact it is something he has always wanted to do/with a close small group of friends, I do think he should go.
However, as others have said, if there is any way he can raise some of the funds himself (selling stuff he doesn't need/extra work etc) this would be better.

AndSoFinally · 30/03/2022 15:42

Well why don't you float the idea of apart time job and see what he says?

Atomiccat · 30/03/2022 15:43

Yabu. It’s a great price for a holiday like that, and it’s not exactly Vegas.. Maybe you’ll have the opportunity to do something similar. My dh went on a fishing trip to the Seyshelles, and I was home with a newborn and 2-year old. Not fun for me, but once in a lifetime for him so. He did say no to Vegas once, he would have loved it but it’s a different type of (expensive) holiday.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/03/2022 15:44

I think he should go. You have the money. You are both working. Life’s too short. Health isn’t just physical it’s mental too. It doesn’t sound wildly expensive it’s doing activities with close friends it will give him a boost. If he’s otherwise a full participant in family life I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Relationships are give and take.

mnnewbie111 · 30/03/2022 15:44

@BaconMassive

This whole thread is a massive humblebrag about being able to spend thousands on private medical expenses, long-haul holidays and still having a month's wage in the bank. First world.
Think you're reading a different thread
Swipe left for the next trending thread