To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

YABVU. It sounds wonderful, this holiday. It would make him so happy - let him go!

Have some compassion people for OP with a horrendous ongoing medical issue - particularly if you have it yourselves.

It’s not about compassion, it’s about the OP feeling the DH isn’t entitled to a share of the savings for a life long friend, verses her huge % being used for surgery - however needed.

It’s about fairness. It’s not fair her share was used for a necessity whilst his is used for a luxury, But he sacrificed his share to make her better - she should be grateful he’s done so, and not feel bitter he now wants to use the rest.

I'd want my dh to go especially as it's a trip of a lifetime with his mates. I'd talk about putting money aside for savings. Ultimately it's money v's life memories. I'm sorry but I think YABU

@girlmom21 the NHS waiting lists for laparoscopies ( only way of medically diagnosing endo) were 12 -18 months when it was first raised as an option for me 10+ years ago. That's if you could get on to the list.

I had an ultrasound were the lady was horrible and said there was a tiny pouch of something and I was effectively a big baby for complaining about it. Turns out when I had the laparoscopy that was one small side of it and it was all over my bowels and one of my ovaries.

Anyway the money is now spent and there is no magic money tree to replace it. We're entering a period of high inflation, it's not a great time to get rid of an already small safety net. Even if they'd had the full £8000, a solo trip to Canada shouldn't be a high priority for that money. The other men can easily afford it, the DH can't.

Also reading this thread I'm beginning to understand how many people get into credit card debt so quickly.

[quote rookiemere]@girlmom21 the NHS waiting lists for laparoscopies ( only way of medically diagnosing endo) were 12 -18 months when it was first raised as an option for me 10+ years ago. That's if you could get on to the list.

I had an ultrasound were the lady was horrible and said there was a tiny pouch of something and I was effectively a big baby for complaining about it. Turns out when I had the laparoscopy that was one small side of it and it was all over my bowels and one of my ovaries.

Anyway the money is now spent and there is no magic money tree to replace it. We're entering a period of high inflation, it's not a great time to get rid of an already small safety net. Even if they'd had the full £8000, a solo trip to Canada shouldn't be a high priority for that money. The other men can easily afford it, the DH can't.[/quote]
No it isn't. But then it was equally not a great time to get rid of 6k without getting any of appropriate NHS care furst either, was it.

This man has endured poor living conditions with this woman, she says so, to save that 8k,yet the op felt it was appropriate to just pay out 6k without a longterm plan for managing the endo, and say on she knows it will return in months and won't then have another 6k to spend our!

Totally nonsensical and hypocritical.

@rookiemere

Also reading this thread I'm beginning to understand how many people get into credit card debt so quickly.

Agreed

This debate should not be about how bad I endo is, @coldlistened surgery, how much they’ve got in savings etc

Bottom line should be this

A FAMILY OF 3 (OR 4?) WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME OF £50 A MONTH CANNOT AFFORD A STAG DO TRIP TO CANADA

If anyone thinks otherwise, they should count themselves lucky as they clearly never had only 50 quid left after paying all the bills.

If that was my DH, he’d have to work overtime to fund the trip/cover the 2k from savings. In his profession it’s possible, so if he really wanted to go, that would be my advice.

@ChoiceMummy a laparoscopy is the only way of diagnosing Endometriosis.

The waiting list is 12-18months to get one on NHS ( this was 10 years ago so it's probably longer now).

What other options did the OP have ?

So they're all leaving their families to go and play swallows and amazons in canada, can't they just go to centerparcs for a few nights?

@Mummytobe93 I agree. No wonder loads of people are financially up shit creek with this attitude.

@girlmom21 what's quick about a decision the OP said took months?

@Momicrone in another thread some poor Bride to be is being roasted ( she isn't on the thread) for the sheer temerity or wanting a 3 night hen at Center Parcs at the apparently ludicrous sum of £300 per person.
Yet here apparently a £2k ( minimum) trip to Canada is the dream of a lifetime and something that the DH simply must do.
I can only conclude that the double standards are because it's Canada ( an awesome place and I love it but not to use all the family savings on) or because the person wanting to go has a penis.

For things to be fair you have to give him the opportunity to go. Ordering him not to is wrong. But likewise I’d expect him to decline due to the financial situation but it’s not your place to overrule it unilaterally

lots of posts about the D|H raising funds for the trip by selling something or getting an additional job. but maybe you are the one who should be doing that to replace the £6k

Wow what a shit comment.

Do you feel better after that?

OP he has options to scrap together cash, yanbu it is scary seeing savings reduced from 8000 to 2000 very scary.

I'm sure every penny was saved with reassurance in an emergency like surgery not holidaying.

He needs to talk to his friends about the expense if they're great men they might help, though I'm surprised they haven't wondered why he hasn't agreed to the trip yet and thought it might be a financial problem for him.

Honestly I think while you can ask him not to go you can't really stop him. You're not his keeper.

And tbh, if it's his dream holiday I think he will really resent you for stopping him.

I'd let him go on the proviso you both save hard to rebuild savings wherever possible - especially if that's him not going to the pub/not buying coffees/ no hobby spending.

Yes, the family with £50 can't afford stag do abroad. Just like they can't afford private surgeries. But people do fund private surgeries somehow. I totally appreciate it was much needed and NHS can be slow, but OP's attitude is wrong. Not going to the trip, spending all Their savings on her and potential emergencies and literally never enjoying anything for himself will give him a very clear idea of married life being a rather sad affair. Actually in your shoes, OP, I would try my best to find a way to earn something myself to help towards the trip cost

YABU

It is very unreasonable to not let him go on the stag trip with his lifelong friends it sounds as if it would be amazing.

I understand you want the safety net of £2k in the bank, but after the last 2 years why not let him splash out on a trip for himself. Bringing up the cost of your surgery wasn't his best idea but he has put money in the 'pot'.

If it was me I'd be going even if I took a small loan out to do it to ensure the 'safety net' stayed in place.

@Iwonder08 is married life a rather sad affair for the OP, too? I don't hear much about her enjoying much for herself either, just working through a debilitating illness and surgery

Do you have kids? If so, it's a hard no

If not, id be tempted to allow it but he needs to save the majority of the costs which he has plenty of time to do

But what an extravagant stag. Ten
Days!!! I wonder what the bride thinks!

@narkyspirit where's the money coming to pay the loan back though if they only have £50 left at the end of each month - and that's before the big energy rises and inflation on food kicks in ?

Oh well I expect the DCs can do without new clothes and shoes so Daddy can have the trip of a lifetime.

The stag would pay for DHs costs doubtless if he knew how financially perilous the families situation was. This is presumably why he has said he'll pay for all the food and activities. But the DH will doubtless be proud and want to stand a round or pay for a meal - and financially he simply can't. No way will it only be £1100, it will eat up all the family savings and have a credit card bill at the end, can't see how it won't.
But apparently the poor man has endured marriage with his faulty Endo ridden DW who doesn't earn enough and he needs to have a fun trip or he will feel sad about being married.

I’m not sure the surgery is actually that relevant. If DH and I agreed to spend a decent chunk of our savings on a surgery for him, even if it turned out not to be the best idea (I don’t have endo, I’ve no idea about treatment, but purely for argument’s sake I’ll say it wasn’t the best use of the money), I still wouldn’t then spend most of the remaining savings on a holiday for myself.

They can’t afford it. Maybe they also couldn’t afford the surgery, but that’s done now, and was agreed by both of them. Taking out a loan etc to pay for this holiday just to make it “fair” is absurd. If the surgery was a massive waste of money, the solution is not to spend more of the savings.

@rookiemere I know , this thread is crazy.

It's more than a grand for a stag do!

lots of posts about the D|H raising funds for the trip by selling something or getting an additional job. but maybe you are the one who should be doing that to replace the £6k

@fUNNYfACE36

No the onus is not on the op to replace the money as her operation to end chronic and excruciating pain was a VALID way to spend savings.

Spending most of the rest of the savings on an extravagant jolly for just you is an INVALID way to spend the savings.

Capiche?