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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 30/03/2022 15:12

I’d encourage my DH to go in that situation.

pigsDOfly · 30/03/2022 15:12

I'm on the fence about this.

It is a lot of money for a holiday for one person but as FleurDeLizz says it sounds like a once in a lifetime trip and I'd feel very reluctant to deny someone something that sounds so amazing.

Whilst your operation isn't something that can be compared to a holiday, the fact is that a huge bulk of your joint saving was spent on it, a great deal more than this holiday is costing I imagine, and he was happy for it to be used, and if the money hadn't been available you would have had no option but to wait for the NHS to get round to treating you.

I would suggest to him that he cut back on other luxuries or hobbies he would normally spend money on to save towards the holiday and afterwards, towards replacing any money taken from the savings pot but I'd be very reluctant to stop him going on this amazing trip.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 15:12

But to be honest I can see his point that he should get to spend some of the joint savings too if he wants.

NrlySp · 30/03/2022 15:12

Could he get a part time/evening job/side hussle to pay it off? That’s not much savings to be left with.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 30/03/2022 15:13

I wouldn't try to stop him going. If the roles were reversed I would feel huge resentment towards my partner for not allowing me to go. It is a once in a lifetime sort of trip, I couldn't bear the look of disappointment on his face when they were away sharing photos etc.

This is the sort of thing that can ruin a happy relationship. I wouldn't risk it, I know how I would feel if I was in his position.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:13

Yes if he were to raise the money himself I’d have 0 issue. My issue isn’t the stag do as such, it’s his expectation that he can use the £2000 on it.

As it currently stands if the car breaks down, or boiler goes bust then we are well and truly up shits creek. We were left with about £50 spare income this month.

A part-time job is a good idea but he works a hard, physical job full-time. I couldn’t take a part-time job on top of my current full-time one as we have primary-aged DC.

OP posts:
mnnewbie111 · 30/03/2022 15:13

Tricky one. It's practically half so probably his but I do understand your point. I would def let mine go because if roles were reversed I wouldn't want to miss a hen if I had the money there waiting for a rainy day

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 15:14

Yabvu and I say that as someone who has endured waiting lists for surgeries many times over the in the lady few decades.

You chose that this was the best use of that money for your needs. You weren't bothered about buffers and utilities then.

His £1100 won't come close I imagine to what you spent.

I think that perhaps now the emphasis should be on you replenishing the savings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2022 15:15

I’d have been sympathetic till he tried to compare it to your surgery. That’s properly low and heartless.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 15:15

You cannot compare surgery to a holiday, no matter what type of holiday it is. That part of it is ridiculous.

OTOH, it's not just a holiday, it's a very special one and it means a lot to him.

If it was me I'd accept he was going and I'd say ok, this will wipe us out, let's sit down together and work out where we can cut back to save money so we can replenish our savings.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:15

In an ideal world of course he should get to spend the £2000 on himself after my surgery. I felt horrible spending the £6000 on my surgery. I felt horrible for DH and the kids. But the NHS were being absolutely useless. I was fobbed off. Technically I wasn’t even on a waiting list, I was fighting even for that.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 30/03/2022 15:16

I don't think anyone should be telling their spouse what they can and can't do. He doesn't need permission - of course he should go on the holiday, & I hope he has a fab time.

CrushedPistachios · 30/03/2022 15:16

How much was your surgery?

ittakes2 · 30/03/2022 15:16

I agree surgery is not comparable but this is a once and a life time thing for him - you’ll have chances for many family holidays. You say you are worried about emergency money - but then you blow that angle up by mentioning if a holiday is to be had it should be a family holiday. So you don’t mind having less emergency money if you are going on holiday???

CatsArePeople · 30/03/2022 15:16

YABU
Its once a lifetime thing, not like he's doing it regularly. Its only money -- you both work and can build it back up.

TeapotCollection · 30/03/2022 15:17

This is unaffordable, simple as that

As the OP has pointed out herself, what if he spends the money (all of it, £1,100 won’t cover it) then their boiler goes bang or the car needs work

Completely unfair of him to throw the surgery into this

BritInUS1 · 30/03/2022 15:17

YABU it's his dream holiday with his best friends

Are there things that you can cut back on between now and then to put towards it or things that you can sell?

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 15:17

@ChoiceMummy

Yabvu and I say that as someone who has endured waiting lists for surgeries many times over the in the lady few decades.

You chose that this was the best use of that money for your needs. You weren't bothered about buffers and utilities then.

His £1100 won't come close I imagine to what you spent.

I think that perhaps now the emphasis should be on you replenishing the savings.

I doubt many people would be concerned about buffers and utilities if they were in constant agony and actually had the means to not have to wait. Bit different to a holiday. Nobody ever collapsed in agony and needed to be hospitalised cos they didn't get to go away.
romdowa · 30/03/2022 15:18

Yanbu and any man who would want to spend the last bit of savings on a jolly with his mates should be mortified. Huge difference between a nessecary medical procedure and a bloody holiday. If he can raise the money then he can go. Other than that he will have to forget it.

DingDongDenny · 30/03/2022 15:18

There are going to be tough financial times ahead for everyone and yet people are still thinking they can blow their savings on holidays and non-essentials because it's 'once in a lifetime' I think you are going to need your buffer for when fuel prices rise, never mind everything else. Your DHs happy memories isn't going to keep his family warm

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:19

The comment about how it should be a family
holiday instead was just hypothetical, weighing it up. I’m not even thinking about holidays at the moment.

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 30/03/2022 15:19

I'd say he can have half the remaining money. But honestly it sounds too special to miss and its not like you don't have the money

CrushedPistachios · 30/03/2022 15:19

Are you genuinely putting the brakes on him going op? Putting your foot down?

Because if that’s the angle my partner was taking with me, I think I’d be clearing the savings account out and contemplating the future of my relationship.

TonkaTruckduck · 30/03/2022 15:19

You are coming across a bit as "boss of the relationship". You had a very expensive operation, if he was decent about that then I'd give him some credit and encourage him to go off on this trip of a lifetime.
If you genuinely have zero spare cash coming in then one / both of you needs to do something about that, regardless of the trip.

FloydPepper · 30/03/2022 15:20

So you had 8k
You spent 6 (on something for you. Essential and not a holiday I understand) and you’re considering stopping him spending 1?