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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
luckylavender · 30/03/2022 15:20

I'm with your DH. He didn't chose this & there's plenty of time for him to save between now & then.

Mamamamamia · 30/03/2022 15:20

He knows he cant afford it but would rather its because his wife told him no, and he could be annoyed with you , rather than lack if finances

Is he planning to sell something in order to go?
Surgery is completely different from s bloody holiday, dream or no. MY dresm holiday is a safari. We have savings AND small children- should I spunk it all because its my dream? Id also like s chanel handbag while were at it.
Yanbu. He is. And a dick about it too.
Put that buffer in an isa or something

Crunchymum · 30/03/2022 15:20

It's not just the cost is it? It's the fact the DH gets a 10 day trip and the OP gets nothing, other than a huge dent in the savings pot (I am assume he won't be taking another weeks annual leave to allow the OP to have a trip away? Even if they could afford it)

Will you be missing out on a family holiday due to this (or was the plan no holiday this year and this has come up separately?)

Blossom64265 · 30/03/2022 15:21

I really don’t understand the mindset of people who would put something like this on a credit card or would let savings go down to zero.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 30/03/2022 15:21

@fringely

Stag and hen dos which are this extravagant and ask for so much money and time are 💩
Agreed. I remember when they used to be a few hours on a Saturday night!
ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 30/03/2022 15:21

I think as a compromise he gets to spend £1,000 on the holiday & does overtime or a part time job to fund the remainder.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:21

When it comes to it I won’t actually stop him, no. I’m not going to withdraw the savings and withhold them from him in my own personal account to prevent him from going or anything like that.

I genuinely want him to go but I’m scared of not having that £2000 left.

OP posts:
ColdSeptember · 30/03/2022 15:21

YABU, but I would expect him to show how he was planning on raising at least half of the money for the trip other than dipping into savings.

schnubbins · 30/03/2022 15:22

You need to let him go .

latetothefisting · 30/03/2022 15:22

What is it then if it's not just a stag do?

I can definitely see why he wants to go and like you say if you had the money fair enough but

a) with the cost of living rising you are right to want to keep a buffer. I doubt the people who are saying "aw let him go" will be paying for your heating or food or Christmas presents for your kids when you start struggling in the winter (as presumably if you can't save up a grand over the next 6 months your budget is already to the wire so you will struggle with the gas and electric)

B) the prices quoted will definitely be higher than he thinks by the time he's added on all the extras. He's not going to sit there while everyone else pays for rounds without offering himself

C) who is going to help with the childcare while he's away for nearly a fortnight if you work full time? Even if money wasn't an issue would he be happy to be left on his own with the kids for that long while you want on a jolly

D)even if I was previously thinking about agreeing, resenting paying for your operation and suggesting that is the same as a holiday is disgusting. Most loving people wpuld do anything to avoid seeing their partner in pain,not resent paying for an operation to help them and then guilt trip them for it.

Papayamya · 30/03/2022 15:23

Hmm although they aren't comparable as in the surgery was needed for your health and to give you a higher quality of life and his is essentially a holiday; if you saved the money together it's just over a 6th of what your surgery was. It sounds like a once in a lifetime holiday which I know would be nice for the whole family but not sure- it's a tricky one. Is there anything that's solely his that he can sell? Anything just he buys that he can cut back on etc?

Trisolaris · 30/03/2022 15:23

There are a lot of comments here about cutting back on luxuries or getting your husband save up for it from other money. If this was an option then I would agree OP that you were being unreasonable but if the £2000 is your only emergency buffer and you no longer have the financial means to save every month then those are entirely irrelevant posts.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 15:23

You only get one life. He should go on the holiday (as should you if it were you in his position). Get a loan or whatever.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 15:23

I'd let him go especially as it's his dream. If it were any old stag do (e.g. Ibiza, some other lavish place he's not really into) I'd say no. But it sounds like a once in a life time for him.

You can always build up savings again.

SarahProblem · 30/03/2022 15:24

I'd say find a way to make it work for DH but get him to acknowledge the risks.

(As awful as it is that he equated the stag to your surgery)

godmum56 · 30/03/2022 15:24

well you can't stop him.... . but you said this.
"And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home."
which makes me think its not just that you don't think you can afford it?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2022 15:24

This is difficult.

But...the fact that the stag is offering to stump up I would imagine at least another grand each is swaying it in your dhs favour. This is a trip Of a lifetime, and for £1k an absolute bargain. The stag clearly really really wants them all to go which is why he's subbing them. How would their relationship be if your dh said no?

ThePlantsitter · 30/03/2022 15:24

'Dream holiday' is a big deal.

I think I'd be approaching it from a 'how can we make this happen but not have the family in penury for it' direction. Surely he has something he can sell or personal sacrifices he can make to pay for the trip? I would help too. But I wouldn't be using up all the savings for it.

CrushedPistachios · 30/03/2022 15:25

@Blossom64265

I really don’t understand the mindset of people who would put something like this on a credit card or would let savings go down to zero.
Life is for living. With all the shit of the last 2 years of covid, and the talk of nuclear/world war 3, then what’s the bloody point any more?

Friendships mean a lot to some people. Making memories he can cherish and joke about for the rest of his life, something to look forward to and look back upon. Life can’t just be the drudgery of full time working like a dog to top up a savings account to die with.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 15:25

@Blossom64265

I really don’t understand the mindset of people who would put something like this on a credit card or would let savings go down to zero.
@Blossom64265 I get the mindset is - life is too short not to. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, his dream! What would be so wrong about putting it on a credit card? Life is too short to be staid and sensible all the time
Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 15:26

@coldlistened

Yes if he were to raise the money himself I’d have 0 issue. My issue isn’t the stag do as such, it’s his expectation that he can use the £2000 on it.

As it currently stands if the car breaks down, or boiler goes bust then we are well and truly up shits creek. We were left with about £50 spare income this month.

A part-time job is a good idea but he works a hard, physical job full-time. I couldn’t take a part-time job on top of my current full-time one as we have primary-aged DC.

@coldlistened - I would say to him, if he gets a temporary part time job (e.g. summer/Christmas) and saves all or most of that money towards your savings then you'd feel better about that. It also means he's being responsible.

Can he sell anything to help boost savings?

Ihaveoflate · 30/03/2022 15:26

I think I'd be working with him to come up with a viable plan for how he can afford the trip, even if that's a credit card.

Talk through all the options and work out the implications of each scenario for your family. Unless he's a total c**t, he won't do something that will put your family in financial dire straits. Maybe he'll come to the conclusion himself that it's not affordable, but you can't just veto his going out of hand - he's an adult.

latetothefisting · 30/03/2022 15:26

Also good point about the annual leave - if he is using 10 of his days will you have enough to cover the school holidays?will you have to spend all your leave to cover him? That's fair!
Can't believe people are thinking you shouldn't have spent the money on your treatment. Obviously people who have never experienced long term dehabilitating pain...

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 15:26

While the stag is a genuinely great bloke and very generous, I just know the others will end up buying rounds or spending money on the stag to thank him for the holiday. So the cost to DH is going to end up more than what it would be initially.

OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/03/2022 15:27

C) who is going to help with the childcare while he's away for nearly a fortnight if you work full time? Even if money wasn't an issue would he be happy to be left on his own with the kids for that long while you want on a jolly

add to that - how much annual leave will he have left to cover for school hols/sickness etc?

If he really has to go, let him - BUT - don't put any more cash in that savings account, open a separate one and put what you can in that for any emergencies that may crop up over the next few months/year.