To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

I think your DH needs to either:

1. Have an honest conversation with the stag about his finances and accept help (a loan maybe if he won't accept the stag paying outright). Otherwise he's basically telling you his pride is more important than your emergency fund

Or:

1. Find another way to earn money to pay for or replenish your joint funds. What about matched betting? It's totally legal and I've known people clear £100+ a month doing it. Lots of sites online explaining how to do it.

I totally agree with you that your surgery is no comparison.

@CocoLoco123 So many people here don't understand terms like 'responsibility', 'security' or 'priorities'. I know, these are outdated terms. Now it's all about 'once in a lifetime opportunity'.

I so agree with this. Money can only be spent once. Surgery is not comparable to a holiday. A holiday is optional. Unfortunately the OPs family can't afford it at present.

OP all I can think is to sit down with him and ask how can you afford it without losing your buffer. You'd love for him to go, but are concerned that you are currently unable to save and have very little spare month on month. You're also concerned that in country costs will be more than expected - use your examples of meals, shouting rounds etc. Can you work together to find savings / reductions? Is it possible to do 500 out of savings (that's 25%) and somehow save the rest during the year?

You're not being mean, you really want him to go. But your family can't currently afford it. Sometimes that's life.

@Pumperthepumper
How is a once in a lifetime trip with your best mates “pissing money up the wall”? Sounds like money well spent to me. Hoard your money for a potential broken boiler or sick dog all you want but other people will have a different POV. OP’s husband is clearly one of them

I think it's going to be difficult if he doesn't go as he will blame you.

Can he earn some extra doing bar work or something like that? Car boot?

I can see your point though as it's unlikely you & the kids will get any holiday if he goes on this trip.

I'm SO confused at the number of posters saying 'once in a lifetime' and 'well you got to spend 6000 why can't he spend 1000?'. This is nuts!

The money was there as a buffer for emergencies. Your health declining and no access to NHS care IS a fucking emergency. The money needs to stay there in the case of an emergency. Without it you might have a car breakdown, boiler breakdown, absolutely anything can wipe out 2 grand, really quickly. With the rising cost of living, and you only having 50 quid at the end of the month as it is, you might well need to dip into those savings so you can heat your house this year.

The practical solutions I can think of are:

• You find things in your house that you can sell, like that bike
• husband takes up a small part-time job that he can take or leave when he wants. Something like uber or deliveroo.

-Look into the £10 a day threads. Some of the things on there have been getting me £200 a month, but you need to put the time in.

• One or both of you looking into a job change where you can get paid more. This will help you long-term. Only having £50 at the end of the month is unsustainable and stressful.

-Interest-free loan/low-interest credit, plus one or more of the above options to pay it off asap.

I wish you all the very best. Don't listen to the insane people telling you to spend it. Your circumstances don't allow it, but you can look into trying to get him there through other means.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper
How is a once in a lifetime trip with your best mates “pissing money up the wall”? Sounds like money well spent to me. Hoard your money for a potential broken boiler or sick dog all you want but other people will have a different POV. OP’s husband is clearly one of them[/quote]
‘Hoard your money’ for an emergency - that’s called ‘having savings’ so your family don’t have to risk having a ‘shit time of it’ if something goes wrong.

I don’t understand when people say he can pay it off from his own money
Firstly you’re assuming he has spare money

Secondly If DH and I each have £200 of ‘our own’ money each month
And I save mine and DH blows £150 of his.
Then two months later there’s an unexpected £300 charge - something breaks, the kids need something whatever
DH only has £100 to contribute, so I would have to contribute £200.
Meaning DH did not in fact have his own money because it’s now impacting me and I’m paying the difference. And a similar idea works in lots of situations
Surely if you own a house together, your finances are tied and ultimately for sharing, even if you say they’re not.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Wow, that's a whole new level of mummy-martyrdom.

How do I repay the savings used for surgery to help with my crippling pain, just as my husband plans to use for a holiday with his best buds? Maybe, as his holiday is going to cost (rounding up) only £2000, he should actually get THREE holidays so equal fun money has been spent.

After all, it's the same, right?

Aimed at @melj1213 by the way, who wins the award for most ridiculous post on a thread.

My point is that the OP has not once mentioned any way in which she is intending to rebuild their joint savings after using 75% of it on surgery. It appears that she basically spent the £6k and is intending to just have the £2k they have left and rely on that as their savings - but what happens if a boiler repair and a car breakdown wipe out that £2k, what then? They need to have a plan on how to try and boost their savings back up to a more comfortable amount, which the OP should be leading as the money was spent on them.

If he has put in equal amount of money to their joint savings then he should also be able to use it.

When my ExDH and I where married we had separate savings - we had very similar salaries so we put enough into the joint account to cover all expenses (rent/bills/groceries etc) 50/50 and then anything left was our discretionary funds for the month. We both put a proportion into individual savings accounts as a rainy day fund. It was up to each of us to keep enough in there to cover joint emergencies (boiler needing replacing, car needing repairs etc) but we also got to choose how to spend those savings. If one of us blew it all on a holiday then so be it, but when the boiler blew up or the car needed replacing, the one without the funds available was the one that had to figure out how to get some sort of finance together to cover it (even if that was borrowing from the other person and paying them back in installments or me taking out a 0% credit card because I had better credit and him paying it off every month)

If his friends offered to pay, would you 100% be ok with him going?

@Pumperthepumper
Lol re vet bill, yes I would consider putting dog to sleep if dog was very old and it would only afford them a few extra months or if would save their life but they would have poor quality of life. In those instances yes I would save the money to use for the trip 🤷‍♀️

Probably missing the point of the thread but I just think it’s shocking our nhs is in such a state the op felt they had no option but to pay £6k for surgery. What are people without £6k supposed to do? Just suffer in pain?

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper
Lol re vet bill, yes I would consider putting dog to sleep if dog was very old and it would only afford them a few extra months or if would save their life but they would have poor quality of life. In those instances yes I would save the money to use for the trip 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
What if it was an eighteen month old puppy that your kids adored? Do you still only live once, or does that trump the holiday?

My answer is probably a bit clouded by the fact my DP was in an accident recently where he could have died. Fortunately he was extremely lucky and will be ok. For me I’d say he should go, I’ve realised recently how bloody short life can be and you should be able to enjoy things. As other posters have suggested there are ways to make up some of the money by selling things, interest free card etc.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Batshitkerazy

Which thread was that?

I would never have said that to the poster.
Once you have children, you never come first again…what bollocks!!
Sometimes you can come first as an adult. In a family everyone’s needs are equal.[/quote]
Here it was

@LuckySantangelo35

it sounds like money well spent to you - well to OP it sounds like another worry she will now have on top of everything else. They only have £50 spare at the end of the month. So his lifetime trip comes at the detriment to his family, who won't get a holiday this year, or probably next year. But he does so ok.

I mean, if it's a trip of a lifetime and the stag and other blokes are ok financially, then they can do it again another year, right? It doesn't have to be this year, they've just decided it fits nicely with the stag do. Which is mental in and of itself.

Husband needs to be a man, tell his friend it'll put him and his family in a precarious financial situation that he can't accept, and STOP blaming his wife for having the nerve to spend money on surgery. Which in case it isn't clear, is firmly in the 'emergency' column of what savings should be spent on, not the 'fun stuff' column.

Sorry if I have missed it but how much was your surgery?

Sorry, just so we’re clear: you really do think a holiday and actual medical surgery are the same category?

I think that if they have both contributed to the savings they should both be allowed to use it. The OP has used 75%of the money they jointly saved so why shouldn't her DH be allowed to spend the money he has saved? If I put £4k into savings and was then told I could use any of the money because my partner had spent £2k and we needed the other £2k as an emergency fund then I would be annoyed at being told I couldn't spend my own money

I've just found a thread where the Op said a hen do was going to cost £300 and loads replied it was way too expensive!

*couldn't

@Pumperthepumper

Suppose in that instance I’d have to go for the vet bills but I’d be really pissed off.

In the first place though, if my finances were so tight, I would not get a puppy for my kids.

@melj1213

Sorry, just so we’re clear: you really do think a holiday and actual medical surgery are the same category?

I think that if they have both contributed to the savings they should both be allowed to use it. The OP has used 75%of the money they jointly saved so why shouldn't her DH be allowed to spend the money he has saved? If I put £4k into savings and was then told I could use any of the money because my partner had spent £2k and we needed the other £2k as an emergency fund then I would be annoyed at being told I couldn't spend my own money

Even if it was to pay for medical treatment for your partner’s chronic illness? You’d expect them not to have it because it would eat into your fun money?

I understand your point @melj1213 I just fundamentally disagree with it.

This was an EMERGENCY paid for out of an EMERGENCY fund. Fine if you don't agree that the physical and mental wellbeing of the mother of a family and wife of a husband isn't important for them as a family. I do.

The fact that £2000 might not be enough isn't relevant at all. If they need more then they're fucked. They do not have discretionary funds as they only have £50 spare at the end of the month, therefore they do not have £2000 going spare for a holiday for the benefit of one person.

The way I see it is he's got 6 months to raise some £££ towards the cost of this trip so that the savings emergency fund does not take too much of a battering. Can you both have a good clear out and see what you can sell to help with the costs?

I think he should go.

Even if it was to pay for medical treatment for your partner’s chronic illness? You’d expect them not to have it because it would eat into your fun money?

I'd expect them to have a solid plan for how they were going to start rebuilding our joint savings that they were depleting.

Just because the money was spent on surgery doesn't mean that it justifies spending the money without any way of rebuilding the savings afterwards.

In my case ExDH and I had separate savings - if we both had £4k in savings and he needed £6k for surgery I would have happily let him use £2k of my money to get the surgery but I would also have expected him to have had some sort of plan on how he intended to pay back that £2k into my savings at the very least, regardless of whether he intended to rebuild his own pot back up too.

@melj1213

Even if it was to pay for medical treatment for your partner’s chronic illness? You’d expect them not to have it because it would eat into your fun money?

I'd expect them to have a solid plan for how they were going to start rebuilding our joint savings that they were depleting.

Just because the money was spent on surgery doesn't mean that it justifies spending the money without any way of rebuilding the savings afterwards.

In my case ExDH and I had separate savings - if we both had £4k in savings and he needed £6k for surgery I would have happily let him use £2k of my money to get the surgery but I would also have expected him to have had some sort of plan on how he intended to pay back that £2k into my savings at the very least, regardless of whether he intended to rebuild his own pot back up too.

They don’t have a plan to repay it. Do you grudge them the medical treatment or are they allowed to have it?