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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:45

@melj1213 but they don't have separate accounts, they have joint family account and they decided together to spend portion of the money on OP's surgery. Therefore there is no 'owning' anyone money, (btw that concept is strange once you're married and have a family, but each to their own I guess.)

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2022 23:46

What a strangely transactional and frankly odd partnership. What if your ex husband had been unable to pay back your £2000? What if he had a surgery and it left him permanently disabled and unable to work?

I know not relevant to the situation on this thread but I'm morbidly fascinated by your thinking tbh.

CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:46

*owing money

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:46

Also they decided together because that surgery improved the lives of everyone in their family. Not just one person for ten days.

melj1213 · 30/03/2022 23:47

This was an EMERGENCY paid for out of an EMERGENCY fund. Fine if you don't agree that the physical and mental wellbeing of the mother of a family and wife of a husband isn't important for them as a family. I do.

I think physical and mental well being are very important but I also think that if you use 75% of a joint savings fund then you can't just tell the other person that they cannot use any of the money in case the remaining money is needed for a joint necessity but also have no plan in place to rebuild the 75% of the money that they have already spent.

floppybit · 30/03/2022 23:47

YABU it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and it's a bargain price let him go!

Mocara · 30/03/2022 23:47

@Blossomtoes

You’re making it more obvious with every post that this isn’t about the money *@coldlistened*. There have been lots of suggestions for paying for it without touching your savings which you’ve completely ignored.
This
CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:49

@floppybit

YABU it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and it's a bargain price let him go!
Yeah, YABU YOLO, what a bargain! Screw the family, kids and emergency fund, it's all about fuuuuuuun, we might all die tomorrow right?
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 23:52

What a strangely transactional and frankly odd partnership

It’s the way ours has worked for over 20 years.
.
What if your ex husband had been unable to pay back your £2000? What if he had a surgery and it left him permanently disabled and unable to work?

If the surgery disabled him we’d be suing the arse off the surgeon. If he had no plan to repay the £2k I wouldn’t lend it to him.

melj1213 · 30/03/2022 23:53

They don’t have a plan to repay it. Do you grudge them the medical treatment or are they allowed to have it?

If my ExDH had wanted £2k of my savings for surgery then I would have expected him to pay it back and I know he would have done. If he couldn't have afforded to pay the money back or just didn't intend to pay it back (even at rhe level of a token amount per month) then that would have been a different story and I would have to consider whether I could risk giving him the £2k as a gift and leaving myself without a decent savings pot.

ikeepseeingit · 30/03/2022 23:54

@Blossomtoes

What a strangely transactional and frankly odd partnership

It’s the way ours has worked for over 20 years.
.
What if your ex husband had been unable to pay back your £2000? What if he had a surgery and it left him permanently disabled and unable to work?

If the surgery disabled him we’d be suing the arse off the surgeon. If he had no plan to repay the £2k I wouldn’t lend it to him.

You'd let your own disabled husband stay in debt due to his disability? What?
alsonotmyname · 30/03/2022 23:56

I'd bend over backwards to help this happen for my dh and he'd do the same for me, if you take the 'stag' element out of it he's going away for a week with his closest friends. Marriage and parenthood aren't a prison sentence and you should be able to enjoy time alone with friends. You will still have a savings buffer which is more than a lot of people have

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:57

@melj1213

They don’t have a plan to repay it. Do you grudge them the medical treatment or are they allowed to have it?

If my ExDH had wanted £2k of my savings for surgery then I would have expected him to pay it back and I know he would have done. If he couldn't have afforded to pay the money back or just didn't intend to pay it back (even at rhe level of a token amount per month) then that would have been a different story and I would have to consider whether I could risk giving him the £2k as a gift and leaving myself without a decent savings pot.

I honestly think the real eye opener in this thread isn’t the number of people who think one person’s holiday trumps anything else. It’s not even the number of people who think medical treatments are a jolly.

It’s the people who would actually refuse to share their money with their actual partner to stop their chronic pain, if it meant missing out themselves. Some absolutely bizarre relationships coming to light on here.

What if it was your kid who needed the medical treatment?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2022 23:59

No no no, @ikeepseeingit - if he couldn't afford the elective surgery it or there was a possibility it made the situation worse, or if he just didn't have a concrete plan to pay it back, then @Blossomtoes wouldn't 'lend' the money to her (I assume) life partner. Because it's less about 'in sickness and in health' and more about 'I need to ensure my situation doesn't change just because you're in pain'.

CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:59

You will still have a savings buffer which is more than a lot of people have. I always wondered why a lot of people don't even have a £1000 in savings, but reading this thread has been enlightening!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/03/2022 00:01

It's truly bizarre isn't it @Pumperthepumper. I honestly can't understand them.

melj1213 · 31/03/2022 00:05

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

What a strangely transactional and frankly odd partnership. What if your ex husband had been unable to pay back your £2000? What if he had a surgery and it left him permanently disabled and unable to work?

I know not relevant to the situation on this thread but I'm morbidly fascinated by your thinking tbh.

It is hardly unusual to have separate finances - we both were paid pretty much the same salaries so we worked out what our joint expenses were and both covered 50% of that. Any money left over was ours to do with as we pleased.

If my ExDH had wanted to borrow £2k for surgery then I would have expected him to have a plan to repay me, as I knew exactly how much discretionary money he had every month and therefore knew that he had the money to pay me back available. It would have been a different story if he didn't have the money but if that was due to medical negligence then we would have been suing the surgeon/hospital to cover any ongoing costs caused by their actions. If he just wasn't in the position to pay back the money then I would seriously have to consider whether I could afford to just write off £2k if it was half of my savings as if he couldn't pay back the £2k then how was he going to contribute to the household at all?

Pumperthepumper · 31/03/2022 00:05

It really is. ‘I know you’re in a lot of pain but I only live once so……’

Papayamya · 31/03/2022 00:11

People find financial arrangements that work for them which is fair enough, I don't see why you'd judge. We have joint savings but I also have a fair amount of savings as DH is more of a spender (we have the same amount of money each after paying the bills and putting money into the joint savings)- I choose to save and he likes to spend, mostly on crap but it's his choice. If he needed surgery privately we'd pay for it out of the joint savings, if he needed extra I'd top it up but probably ask for at least some of it back. He has had the same chances to save as I have had.

melj1213 · 31/03/2022 00:12

It’s the people who would actually refuse to share their money with their actualpartnerto stop their chronic pain, if it meant missing out themselves. Some absolutely bizarre relationships coming to light on here.

I wouldn't refuse to share my money to help my partner, but I would expect them to have a plan in place to repay the money and if they couldn't then I would have to consider whether I could afford to write off the money.

If they weren't in a position to ever pay any of that money back (even if it was a token amount) then I would have to consider whether it would be sensible to write off a large amount of money, knowing it won't be repaid, for them to get private surgery when they have an NHS option and I may need that money to keep our family solvent since they have no money to pay the bills/keep the roof over our DDs head.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/03/2022 00:12

@melj1213 separate finances don't normally mean that you would let your partner suffer if they didn't have a plan to pay you back or found themselves in a position to not pay you back. It normally means exactly what you say with the exception of extraordinary circumstances, which I would argue surgery is and a holiday isn't.

Like say, imagine your partner fell off a ladder changing a lightbulb and it shattered a vertebrae. NHS surgeons won't operate because he can manage the pain with opiates, even though he now has to give up his job because the opiates don't always keep him comfortable enough. Private surgeons offer surgery at 100% of his discretionary money and 50% of yours with a 50% success rate of curing his crippling pain.

I guess you don't lend him the money and he can't get finance because he can no longer work, because the odds aren't in your favour? And you don't think that's a bit...I dunno, mercenary for a relationship?

melj1213 · 31/03/2022 00:20

I guess you don't lend him the money and he can't get finance because he can no longer work, because the odds aren't in your favour? And you don't think that's a bit...I dunno, mercenary for a relationship?

If there was a 50% chance the surgery wouldn't work and he couldn't work then I would have to consider whether the money would be better spent on the surgery or on being kept for allow the expenses I would then have to take on as we would have gone from a two income family to a one income family. As a 2 income household we could both cover the bills and both have money left at the end of the month but if we went to a one income family then my wage alone would have paid the bills with almost nothing left over. In that case I would rather have a larger savings pot that would keep the roof over my DDs head than use half of it on a surgery that had a high failure possibility which would leave us in the same situation but now we have far less savings to use to make up the short fall

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/03/2022 00:29

Can he save towards the trip - if you can afford to give him £1000 and let him deliver for just eat for the extra.

It's understandable you're worried about savings, this is a once off trip.

Start saving again in January.

santapaws12 · 31/03/2022 00:34

You know, I bet that if you just say “okay then” to your DH he will start to have second thoughts.

It’s easy to argue in favour of something you want when another person is opposed to it. He doesn’t have to think about the downsides because you’re doing that for him! If you stand back and let him get on with it, he will need to confront the reality of spending his own backup savings and I imagine the reality of the situation will cause his own inner critic to wake up.

If not, and he shows no misgivings at all, then I would just let him go. He will resent you otherwise.
Better to be poor and muddle through a broken boiler / car disaster together while still a partnership than to “be the reason” DH misses out and let that loss and resentment smoulder and fester away between you.

BlueBellsArePretty · 31/03/2022 00:34

Aimed at @melj1213 by the way, who wins the award for most ridiculous post on a thread.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Agreed that her posts are ridiculous and can see possibly why it is an ex partner she keeps going on about and not a partner. However I think the award for the most ridiculous and callous posts definitely goes to @ChoiceMummy who is showing utter nastiness and a complete lack of empathy for someone claiming to be suffering from the same condition as the OP.