To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

Delivery drivers have left tesco for weekend just eat delivery work.
It's 3 quid a drop and people love to order food online.
Whatever you decide don't feel guilty, you've £50 a month left over the financial cushion is peace of mind.

@Ronaldo2004

Probably missing the point of the thread but I just think it’s shocking our nhs is in such a state the op felt they had no option but to pay £6k for surgery. What are people without £6k supposed to do? Just suffer in pain?

No. You can get medical loans now...

I think he needs a second job to pay for it.

If not, and he shows no misgivings at all, then I would just let him go. He will resent you otherwise.

What if the OP resents him for going?

Better to be poor and muddle through a broken boiler / car disaster together while still a partnership than to “be the reason” DH misses out and let that loss and resentment smoulder and fester away between you.

I don't know where to start with that one

Wow, I'm surprised by how many people think the OP is BU. No way would I be ok with my DH using the last of our savings for this. I wouldn't be ok with it going on a family holiday either, because the buffer would then be gone if something else urgent was needed. It's a shame because the DH clearly sounds like a good man and OP wants him to go, but that's not the point.

I would also disagree that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's a holiday. Ideally, if possible, the OP and DH need to find a way to start rebuilding savings and to save towards a holiday like this for DH and/or family. Calling it once in a lifetime only ups the ante.

YABU you are not his mum and shouldn't be telling him he can't do anything.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper
How is a once in a lifetime trip with your best mates “pissing money up the wall”? Sounds like money well spent to me. Hoard your money for a potential broken boiler or sick dog all you want but other people will have a different POV. OP’s husband is clearly one of them[/quote]
Hoarding? Having £2000 in savings when you're a family with young children in the worst cost of living crisis in 50 years AND with a looming recession is still pretty tight. Dropping to £900 for a stag do is pretty scary.

Not everyone is in a position to save, but for anyone who is fortunate enough to be able to save even a little at a time, you're not a good parent unless you keep at least a few months' living expenses aside once you have children.
Redundancy isn't that rare, and money runs out fast. A child or parent needing care that doesn't allow work, or needs weekly drives to a hospital and some help at home is rarer, but not as rare as people think. Boilers and cars break down all the time. There will be a need for that money soon enough

Wow I can't believe the responses you're getting here.

Your surgery and this stag trip are not remotely comparable - and your DH is a prick for even going there. I'd read him the riot act for that if he were mine!

Second. Yes, he probably does deserve to go and yes, it does sound like the trip of a lifetime. The fact of the matter is though that the £2000 you have left are for the family and with bills for everything increasing to a greater extent than has been seen in 2 lifetimes, its hugely irresponsible to spend that money on a holiday - no matter how much he wants to go and how important it is to him and his friends. Yes, its unfair, but such is life. Frankly, he should be a bit more grateful that he's not living his life in chronic pain.

Not to mention, the figure you've come up with is the minimum spend. Is he really going to go all that way and miss out on activities or not pay rounds or meals or whatever spur of the moment fun because he has no wiggle room in the budget? You've already said he wouldn't really want his friends knowing how tight things are.

He needs to find a way to raise the money and leave the savings untouched.

If you ended up bankrupt or in serious financial trouble and came to MN details how you'd spent your last £2000 you'd be utterly roasted for spending over half of it on a holiday. And he is behaving, at best, like a spoiled, petulant teenager.

YANBU, @coldlistened

No, you are not being unreasonable.
He's a married man with responsibilities.
The economy is on fire. No one knows what's around the corner.
The £1100 figure, you could safely double I think. The stag will pay for all food, drink and activities? ... hmmm. Possibly, I don't know him - maybe he will, but I've been stung in similar situations. Remember he's got a weddng to pay for.
It does sound like a good trip, but it's not a once in a lifetime opportunity. This sort of thing could happen at anytime in the future.
I think the fact you haven't been well, and could probably do with a family holiday, should be his top priorities.
It's a difficult one. I suppose it depends on what kind of relationship you have. You don't seem happy about it though, and that's probably enough to blow the whistle on it.

It's totally unreasonable for him to draw any equivalency between the holiday and the surgery. The NHS leaves women suffering for inordinate amounts of time during which your endometriosis could have spread and left you needing much more treatment even to the point of losing your job and being unable to carry out parenting duties. It was vital that you had the surgery.

You can't let or not let someone go. That's the wrong question.

You're absolutely right that you need a financial buffer. Many women on MN are too privileged to understand that you're in a just about safe position which could quickly become extremely vulnerable if the buffer goes. They just don't get it. There will be suffering next winter and your family does need to come first. Your DH needs to recognize that his kids might need that money to stay warm and fed.

Equally it's rather tragic that he would miss this. I can understand it being very very sad for him. Life really sucks sometimes. Genuinely it does.

If he wanted to do overtime to pay for it, I did support him in that and expect gratitude for doing extra childcare so he can save up for his holiday. I would not expect to see all most of the family savings disappear at a time like this.

You don't know what your children will need. Life can change very quickly. A family needs a buffer more than a grown man needs the trip of a lifetime. But I can see it's best for everyone if he can find a way to earn new money for it.

@Quitelikeit

I would let him go - it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity type of thing - maybe he could take a loan out or something?

Like he said you spent thousands on your surgery - it was optional as you were on a waiting list

YABU

Are you being serious? 🙄

His money, his choice. Rocky Mountains are lovely. My ExH went on several stag dos. I never resented him.

@timestheyarechanging

His money, his choice. Rocky Mountains are lovely. My ExH went on several stag dos. I never resented him.

They both work. It's both of their savings.

It's not 'his' money.

Ffs.

This poor woman, people have been horrible on this thread. She's had a horrible time and I can't believe the lack of compassion here

I don't think anyone should be telling a Husband that he can't go somewhere or other. But can he save a bit of money towards things in the interim before this trip.. it will be great in the Rockies, I have been there myself years ago. so too good to be missing this chance of going there.

It’s not a once in a lifetime trip. The Rockies aren’t going anywhere. This is not his only opportunity. Yes it would be special but all holidays are special and there is so much against it
Agree completely with everyone who says he should be acting like a grown up, realising this is not affordable for you all as a family right now and should not be a priority. And it’s not remotely comparable to surgery.

Your family all benefitted from that surgery. Only he will benefit from this trip.

He needs to stop being selfish and come up with a plan that will get him a trip to his dream destination without causing stress to his family.

[quote coldlistened]@Blossomtoes

I’ve literally replied to the posts about a part-time job for DH saying that would be a good idea and I’d support him.

Not sure how practical it’d be though. He already works a really physical full-time job and he’d be exhausted. But if he were to take one up to fund this I’d be supportive and proud[/quote]
/lots of posts about the D|H raising funds for the trip by selling something or getting an additional job. but maybe you are the one who should be doing that to replace the £6k

Well, I'm glad my DH didn't ask for money back out of our savings for my cancer treatment, nor did I hit him for his heart surgery. Maybe I missed a trick there. I’m not fond of the phrase “let him go”, but due consideration is needed. All our money is jointly held and when it comes to individual jollies, the bottom line is money, although DH also always asks me as a matter of courtesy as it uses up annual leave.
OP's DH is being out of order for equating the OP's medical treatment with an expensive holiday. I’m also not sure why the OP has to sit down with him to work out a repayment plan. He plainly has no intentions of doing so.
I think there's some snideness here because the OP went for private. Such a jolly, event of a lifetime. [hmm. As much to the point is the frankly laughable claims by so many posters that “they’d let him go” in the same situation, which means precisely fuck all. They’re not in that situation so how would they know?

@fUNNYfACE36

No. HTH.

@lethimgowhydontyou

It actually really was a luxurious experience! My ovaries has to be unstuck from each other AND my bowel. I had cysts as well! What a fun time it was!

They even left chocolates on my pillow and I had a sea view. A holiday wouldn’t even compare, poor DH.

I can't believe the posters saying that the OP spent her bit on the surgery and her poor DH got nothing out of that so he should be able to spend his bit There is absolutely no comparison between surgery to relieve pain and ensure that the OP is able to contribute to the family and a holiday. The surgery is essential. I would be horrified at any partner who resented me for spending money on essential surgery and thought that he should get the same. I would divorce a man for that attitude as being single is infinitely better than that level of selfishness. I would give everything I had for a sick partner. I would not endorse a holiday when it would drain us of everything. $2000 is not a lot of savings, I would be very worried about seeing it blown on a jaunt. It's really not once in a lifetime. It's a one off until the others get married or they decided to re-do the trip in a few years. I think that DH needs to work out how he could contribute some extra money to the holiday pot and perhaps the family could also cut some corners to meet him in the middle.

What a treat that surgery was. Finding out my insides and organs were all fused together really was an experience of a lifetime.

Oh, how lucky I was.

I do genuinely want him to go. But I don’t like the idea of not having that £2000.

The idea of having to take out a loan or something for a big expense and having to make monthly payments is just horrific. Having this buffer at least can delay it.

What an insanely elaborate stag do! I can see your worries. However it also sounds like an amazing opportunity and if all his other friends are going i can see why he wouldn't want to miss out

Can he not pay for everything on a credit card and pay it off in instalments?

YABVU