To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

Surgery vs holiday is no comparison and shouldn't be treated as such but is it really not possible in the next 6 months for the savings to be topped up until the holiday?

Is he willing to cut out any luxuries he currently has to be able to afford this trip?

Or could he ask the stag if he could pay now and he'd pay him back over the next 6 months?

The issue with any lian or credit card is they have less than 50 left at the end of a month. Let alone if something unexpected comes up eg school trips / birthdays etc

Dh and I paid for much needed surgery for me during the pandemic. It was obvious I’d have to wait years and I simply couldn’t.

The stag and surgery are completely separate. I had endo and advanced adenomyosis and a hysterectomy for the latter. Not only did the surgeon remove my ovaries but also my cervix as endo can and will grow back. In your position, I’d be wanting to keep that 2k to part pay for a hysterectomy.

A part-time job so that he's meeting at least part of the cost from that and doesn't have to take so much of the savings seems the way to go.

I’d let him go if he can do overtime or save some money before then .

I'd tell him he can go if he can fund it without using the savings. You'd be crazy to spend your buffer so he needs to find a way to pay if he wants to go!

It's not a huge amount of money and it's months away. I know all about being skint, I'm a single parent earning a low wage but it's not unrealistic to be able to cut back enough in order to scrape that together by October without touching the savings. While it's not fair to bring up the operation money I think I'd be helping work out ways he can cut back - cheaper meals etc, no bought lunches or coffee plus heating will be going off soon. That alone would cover the money I'd think

I think people are focussing way too much on the fact it's a stag do too. It's also a dream holiday with close friends and the staff part is kind of irrelevant apart from the fact it is dictating the date (so couldn't be next year to give more time for example)

Have a general chat about rebuilding your joint savings, dont just have a chat about him working extra hours until this trip is paid for. You want to be in a position in 3/4 years time if you need another operation you can afford it if the NHS fails you again. Focus on getting the savings back up to £8k or beyond, not just replacing this holiday fund.

I was invited on a holiday with friends in the past
It was expensive, but I could have stretched to afford it
A once in a lifetime event
My partner at the time was not keen on me going
I didn't go
I've always regretted not going, my friends had an enjoyable time
The partner is now an ex

The 2 shouldn't even be compared honestly. Your surgery was needed because you were in daily pain and I think the money was well spent. You so, however, sound jealous. It's like you don't want him to use any of the savings on a holiday because you can't have the same. There will be something you can cut back on, a streaming service, the odd meal in instead of out etc... picking up extra hours. I panic about not having savings too but my goal is always to try and have £1000 in savings and anything more is a bonus. I think you should let him go on the holiday and make it a game to try to cut back and build up those savings again.

There's some absolute blind privilege evident on this thread.

They have almost no savings. If there is a car accident, or someone loses a job or a vet bill they will be in financial stress.

It sucks he can't go but he can't afford it. You can't blow your tiny financial safety net on a holiday. Let alone a holiday for one.

He should swallow his pride and let his friend shout him the trip. He'd rather burden his family.

@WombatChocolate

The thread shows how polarised society is in relation to money.

Some believe you hold onto your security blanket and safety net money and only use it for an emergency (boiler, essential house repairs, surgery could be seen in this bracket too) and that you prioritise financial security for children and do your best to ensure something is put aside if you possibly can (and not all can manage to do this even thought they like to and try hard to).

And others think that if there’s something one person really fancies doing, they should do it, almost regardless of the financial consequences. Even if it means for certain there will be expenses in the next year which will be funded by debt and even when they know there isn’t an obvious way to rebuild the safety net.

Some people prioritise the whim of an adult over having funds for children to have access to financial security that gives them a very different childhood to those who grow up without it. And some see the man as some kind of little boy who is having his expensive ambition denied. He’s not a little boy who has no idea of the cost of his plan or the implications for the family. But he’s willing to behave like a little boy asking for something even though he knows it’s unrealistic and it will make Op feel bad either way. I couldn’t be impressed by such a man who would do this and who doesn’t know when something like this comes up, to just reply to his friends saying ‘Thanks, I’d love to come, but it’s just not viable for us this year’ - and to say this without any shame or embarrassment. Instead he put his wife ina. Position where she can’t win.

Great post.

I do get the buffer

But what would have happened if surgery cost £7/8k

Wipes your savings out

Would you have still had the surgery knowing be nothing left in the pot so to speak

I’m not sure if this has been mention sorry I don’t have time to read the whole thread but a friend of mine recently had treatment for endometriosis paid for by this company www.benenden.co.uk/health/healthcare/#!whats-included

It’s healthcare for people who don’t have much spare money, it costs £11.90 a month and it covers existing conditions. It’s not super fancy health care but they try to say yes as far as I can see from more than one friends experience.
So sorry you are dealing with such bad health problems and I fully understand you going private. How can you look after a family and work when you are in agony!

[quote coldlistened]@lethimgowhydontyou

It actually really was a luxurious experience! My ovaries has to be unstuck from each other AND my bowel. I had cysts as well! What a fun time it was!

They even left chocolates on my pillow and I had a sea view. A holiday wouldn’t even compare, poor DH.[/quote]
That's all I'm afraid relatively srsbdsrd for women with endo. So approx 10%.

Snd you've nor answered my question. There's no treatment plan in place, so it's going to recur, quickly, why haven't you got something in place rather than having wasted the 6k to queue jump and not sort this out beforehand? Anyone with endo will tell you that the endo will return pdq, surely you did that research? So your inaction will literally have thrown 6k down the toilet. You've not got pain management sorted. These really are all basics.

There are a lot of women blessed on this thread who don't understand endo.

It's for most women a lifelong condition. Doesn't just disappear.

The op was a temporary measure. A costly temporary measure.

Yet op felt it was right to reduce her children's security and her husband's savings for a temporary measure. To the sum of 6k.But now has an issue over 1.1k!

@HeArInGhandsgirl11

YABU you are not his mum and shouldn't be telling him he can't do anything.

Where would you draw the line with this? Your partner could literally do whatever they wanted with family money, buy a 20k car for example? And you would let them get on with it, no questions asked?

I disagree with that polarisation - in the sense that I think there are plenty of us somewhere between the two. I think a "whim" is an emotive word to describe what can be a much longed for and cherished idea to do something really worthwhile and precious. Life is more than money in the bank (and no, I don't have much of it and none in the bank at the end of the month). Its not wrong for a parent to sometimes decide to do something for themselves, even if it does mean a child sometimes misses out, so long as its not EVERY time. I don't think it is healthy for children to think that their wants (not needs) always come before their parents'. 2k is not, for two employed adults over a period of repayment time, a lifechanging amount. I think there is a middle path between the ultra conservative and overly spendy ways outlined above, and that might include a certain amount of moderate, manageable and planned for debt.

@coldlistened

What a treat that surgery was. Finding out my insides and organs were all fused together really was an experience of a lifetime.

Oh, how lucky I was.

Your medical condition sounds horrendous, and you were indeed lucky that you had joint savings to get you out of pain quickly. what is less clear is why it is only incumbent on your DH to rebuild the savings

Agree with every word Chise. I am the more cautious one of the two of us yet the few times I’ve wanted to “save” and Dh has pushed for a spend on something special or decent he has been right every time and I shudder to think what we would have missed out on had I prevailed. Savings can be replenished - honestly life can be short a cliche but so true.

@ChoiceMummy

There are a lot of women blessed on this thread who don't understand endo.

It's for most women a lifelong condition. Doesn't just disappear.

The op was a temporary measure. A costly temporary measure.

Yet op felt it was right to reduce her children's security and her husband's savings for a temporary measure. To the sum of 6k.But now has an issue over 1.1k!

After only 3 A&E visits and one ultrasound too. That seems quite a drastic next step to go for private surgery.

I'd be tempted to ask where your £2k for a week long holiday with your friends is going to come from!

It's simply not affordable.

The money spent on your surgery isn't comparable and it's a really bad idea to spend your small amount of savings when you don't have surplus income each month ad you have unknown rising monthly costs and no surplus income to absorb them.

I can't actually believe what I'm reading. How many A&E visits would it be acceptable before getting private surgery then ?

What if it had been the DH needing hip surgery say with a long waiting list. Would that have been ok ? And if OP wanted to go on a (minimum) £2k trip with their remaining savings, then everyone here would wish her on her way ?

I'm honestly disgusted with some of the responses.Don't know why I'm surprised. I got similar over 10 years ago with a toddler and crippled with Endo pain ( because DH was insistent on a second DC that never arrived) I asked if DH should come home from a walking trip.

Have some compassion people for OP with a horrendous ongoing medical issue - particularly if you have it yourselves.

@rookiemere you'd expect GP involvement, advice from experts etc before jumping straight in to private surgery - that's my point.

To be willing to pay £6000 so quickly but then be this worried about the savings seems off