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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
MoonOnASpoon · 30/03/2022 13:51

Hmmm, I wouldn't be buying this.

She's basically saying "Oooh look at me, I'm sweet, innocent, younger and sexually available and want to talk to you about sex."
"Ooh I'm so INSECURE, I need a Big Man to take care of me and reassure me by shagging me"
"Erm no I'm not interested in other options/blokes you might suggest. I just want to talk to you and text you all night. Sex sex insecure sex sex poor me I've got no friends sex sex" etc Hmm

And "Oh you're worrying your silly little head about nothing, it's totally innocent" is what they always say IME, whether they're genuinely clueless about her obvious intentions, encouraging it, or already shagging her.

Sadly I don't know what you can do though. If he's going to insist it means nothing and really try to pretend anyone normal would find this appropriate, and you double down and insist he stops it, he can then paint you as nagging and controlling.

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 13:51

LOL … big brother my arse.

He might think he’s got boundaries, but she certainly doesn’t and is testing him.

She’s fishing for complements - someone truly insecure and with low self esteem would NEVER said to a guy that she hasn’t had sex in ages. I mean, so what? Poor thing 🤨 is that the source of her problems? She’s attention seeking 20 year old girl trying to seduce an older guy. Daddy issues. Cliché

If that was my DH I’d tell him straight I’m not comfortable with this and if he’s got any respect for me & my boundaries he needs to cut her loose. I’d offer my advice instead, surely she could relate more to me than my husband!

Loopytiles · 30/03/2022 13:54

That’s an unsatisfactory response from your H.

You seem to be weirdly grateful to him for even talking about it! Under reacting.

Lorw · 30/03/2022 13:54

Oh OP. Sorry but she is defo trying to get her hands on your DP, the I haven’t had sex in ages sob story is a classic come on.

Let’s hope he doesn’t end up in bed with her and use the excuse of ‘I felt sorry for her’

ChinstrapBobblehat · 30/03/2022 13:56

OP, you say you mention this a lot. That you feel you ‘keep going on about it’? So he’s fully aware that it bothers you, his wife and life partner, the person whose needs and feelings he’s supposed to prioritise?

And you’ve raised it with him yet again this morning, and he’s still handing you off with excuses about being ‘like a brother to her’ (which, btw, is so fucking cringey I’m surprised your fanny didn’t instantly heal over)? It boggles my brain that she thinks it’s appropriate to regularly text him first thing in the morning, and that he doesn’t see a problem with that. He might be kidding you (and himself) that he’s not putting a stop to it because he’s being kind, but make no mistake, he’s not putting a stop to it because he doesn’t want to.

Whether or not there’s more to it, he’s prioritising her over you. He’d rather have you feeling edgy and upset than tell this girl to find another friend. If I were you I’d be focusing his mind quite clearly on where his loyalties should lie if he wants to stay married.

ZenNudist · 30/03/2022 14:03

Put your foot down. He pulls back. Still sees her and chats at their activity but tells her he's too busy with work and family commitments to reply to her messages. Doesn't say "my wife won't let me" because that's pathetic and he should have more respect for you.

If she were older and ugly as sin I bet he wouldn't be having so much time for her.

Feeling bad for her is also bollocks. Be much firmer with him. He's crossed a line discussing her sex life and texting late at night. If he refuses to stop he needs that validation and I'd give up on him before you bring children into the mess.

MurmuratingStarling · 30/03/2022 14:05

Not OK! YANBU @changedtheusername

A man who is a 'knight in shining armour' for every emotional simpering female who has ishoos, is NOT a man you want to spend you life with.

Men love this kind of attention from vulnerable iccle wimmin, coz it makes them feel like a big butch man, and they get to put their big manly arms around said fluffy female, and let her cry into his big butch manly chest.

In reality, these kind of men are insecure, low-achievers who like to feel important and manly, and if their wife or girlfriend gets upset by it, DOUBLE BONUS! He gets to puff out his manly chest even more, as his wumman is upset and jealous. (Often not jealous, just furious and angry that he is such an inconsiderate cunt, that he thinks it's OK to be a big fat knight in shining armour, letting the wimmin cry on his shoulder, and to hell with the feelings of his girlfriend or wife.)

If you have no kids with him, I would run a mile ... He will not change.

Candleabra · 30/03/2022 14:05

What a load of bollocks from him. No one is this naive. His main concern should be protecting his primary relationship.

A straightforward her or me question will find out which woman he thinks this primary relationship is with.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/03/2022 14:06

@Lorw

Let’s hope he doesn’t end up in bed with her and use the excuse of ‘I felt sorry for her’

Or another well-used line - "I did it because you were too controlling" Hmm

BadNomad · 30/03/2022 14:08

She is being inappropriate talking about sex with a married man. But it is your DH who needs to realise that and put a stop to it. Him allowing this to continue is disrespectful to you and letting her think it is ok.

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 14:20

I know this is childish but who cares. Get her number, then send her a text saying you feel sorry for her dilemma about sex, would she like to discuss it with you seeing as how you're a woman so could perhaps give better advice than your husband.

Tell her that your husband always turns to you for advice about her problems seeing as how you don't seem to have any female friends to turn to.

Sorry if that sounds a bit jumbled but you get the drift. Smile......and who cares if it angers your DH, he deserves it.

I'd also thank her for the big brother comment saying it gave you a chuckle.

Dustyroad63 · 30/03/2022 14:27

I’m another one also wondering if the woman was in her 40’s 50’s etc would he be this caring.
Waking up to her messages is going way too far. She obviously knows he’s married so she’s not caring one bit about you OP.

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 14:30

If she's that insecure, why is she talking to him about this stuff? Oh I know why, because it's bullshit. She fancies him and may as well lie down in front of him naked, she is being embarrassingly obvious. It's very desperate.

He's an idiot for not seeing it, or maybe he does and is liking it.

Palmfrond · 30/03/2022 14:33

I thought I posted this earlier, but I guess not?
Anyway, my male perspective;
It’s very easy to fool yourself that relationships with women who are attractive are purely platonic. They never are, not 100%, but that’s okay as long as firm boundaries are in place. Unfortunately, because the penis-brain connection is so strong, we let those boundaries wobble sometimes, and that seems to be what’s happening here. I think most married men have been there to some degree, but when faced with the option of either pulling back or going down the path of driving their marriage and family into a tree, they -usually- choose the former. I say this from a male perspective but it likely applies to women too.
The girl/woman involved on the other hand is either playing silly buggers, in which case he needs to cut her loose, or she is truly in need of emotional support, in which case she needs to look somewhere else for that.
Either way if I were OP I would gently put my foot down asap, as it looks like otherwise someone iOS going to get the wrong idea.

Iwonder08 · 30/03/2022 14:35

OP, some men are that thick, it is entirely possible he buys all her bullshit. She however knows exactly what she is doing. You just don't talk to a married man about your sex life. It is common sense. She is trying to make him visualise. She is waiting for a convenient chance. Perhaps you should show him this thread. It is an anonymous forum mostly by women, he can see for himself there is nothing innocent in her behaviour

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 14:37

She's taking the piss massively. He needs to tell her it's not appropriate

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 14:38

I'd be going ape shit at my DH in your shoes op. I wouldn't be giving him an easy time at all. Tell him he cuts her out of his life right now or he can pack his bags. Even the "cool wives" wouldn't accept this.

Palmfrond · 30/03/2022 14:43

And I’ll add that, though I’m certainly not proud of it, that yes, I can confirm that the amount of emotional capital I would be willing to invest in a woman (especially one to whom I’m not tied by bonds of marriage, blood, or long shared history) is in direct correlation to how attractive I found her.
Shameful but true.

BulletTrain · 30/03/2022 14:53

"I'm extremely insecure and haven't had sex since my first year of uni, but I definitely miss having that connection with someone"

Really?! Come ON. He is either thick or enjoys the come-on if he thinks this is normal. She sucks.

GandTfortea · 30/03/2022 14:55

Together with my husband for 30 years now ..
Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex.
No need to have ,we have each other to talk to ,if I want a male opinion,I have him to ask ,and he has me .
You can’t tell me ,one or both ,are not getting jollies from discussing sex issues with someone they should not be doing .
Remind your husband op ….he has you to discuss sex with ,doesn’t need her

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 15:08

I blame both of them equally. Her for wanting to talk about sex first thing in the morning with a married man, and him for allowing it and thinking it ok.

Blackberrybunnet · 30/03/2022 15:11

It's only ok if you think it's ok. Clearly you're uncomfortable, so it's not ok. Tell him that.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 15:15

So from your update he'll be carrying on as normal with her then.

I think you need to ask to read all the messages, not just the snippets hes read out to you/shown you.

If he wanders off to the toilet or some emergency that sees him dashing out the door before he hands over the phone, then I'm very sorry but this means he knows hes already crossed the line.

How often do they see each other?

Papayamya · 30/03/2022 15:17

@changedtheusername

Had a chat with DH this morning again about it. He never has a problem with me asking so that's at least good.

Told me she really does have no one and there's family issues there. Apparently she has described him like an older brother to her... he said he thinks that's "sweet".

He tells me he has no interest in her like that at all and the comments are not how I'm making it seem. He showed me one where she mentioned something intimate and it was along the lines of "I'm extremely insecure and haven't had sex since my first year of uni, but I definitely miss having that connection with someone" or something alone those lines, I don't have the exact wording.

DH basically responded suggestions on how to get back out there and mentioned a couple people from the same band they play with who I'm sure would introduce her to people and build her confidence, she basically said she doesn't think she would enjoy it.

He just kept saying she doesn't know till she tries. Yes DH always wakes up to messages from her but it doesn't help that she is constantly sorry and he says he doesn't mind... he says he just feels bad for her and i said but what about the over the top comments he says he doesn't get what I mean as she only mentions it quickly like the example I gave above but Hmm

I mean, I don't talk to my brother about my sex life Confused. I suspect she mentions it in the hope the conversation will carry on in that vein- also weird he is fine with it and doesn't say its not appropriate to talk about, and about the nighttime messages, I suspect he enjoys it.
TheDogHasABone · 30/03/2022 15:42

Come on, men are not stupid.
He knows perfectly well nobody would talk to their brother like that. I think my mother would slap us both if I said 'you know brother dog I haven't had sex in ages, really miss it, I would so love to be fucked in a certain position or some role play but I never have, poor me' . If she had the chance before having a heart attack or something serious! Could you imagine?!
He knows perfectly well what is going on and where it is leading.
He needs to cut contact now or he will cause the end of your marriage.

Tired of poor funking men just having their cock accidentally slip into someone and they had no idea how it happened.... Hmm