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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 12:57

@Suprima

So many mugs on this thread Grin

No woman with good intentions is going to speak to a married bloke about her sex life. At best, she’s ’showing off’ and trying to get him to see her as desirable or in a different light, at worst- she’s considering it foreplay.

I have male friends and I honestly wouldn’t dream of it- it’s completely inappropriate.

If you would- you have serious boundary issues.

This. Maybe your husband is naive, maybe he is enjoying it. But they are both pushing boundaries that shouldn't be pushed. Why is she asking your husband about sex positions? Does she have no female friends or access to the internet? Hmm She mort likely fancies your husband and is trying it on, she'll get more obvious as time goes on.
Sprucewillis · 30/03/2022 12:58

I think the DHs willingness to share the content of the messages point to him not having a clue on how to handle this. I don't think he's having or planning to have an affair with the friend. OP your situation might not be the same as some of the posts on here. Suggest you have a good long talk to DH and let him know how much it's upsetting you.

Strawberry33 · 30/03/2022 12:58

The immature part of me would also engage in a bit of tit for tat. Set up the same sort of thing even if it’s a girlfriend messaging back and do everything he’s doing. Have your “male friend” tell you how hes super talented at oral but his partner doesn’t let him and he’s struggling.. 😂 honestly I’m too childish to be in a relationship but it may make him think

Silverclocks · 30/03/2022 13:01

@Sprucewillis

I think the DHs willingness to share the content of the messages point to him not having a clue on how to handle this. I don't think he's having or planning to have an affair with the friend. OP your situation might not be the same as some of the posts on here. Suggest you have a good long talk to DH and let him know how much it's upsetting you.
I honestly don't think many affairs are a result of someone "planning" to have an affair. This is exactly the way it starts (although very often a less obvious, more believable platonic relationship)
Original poster
changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 13:03

Had a chat with DH this morning again about it. He never has a problem with me asking so that's at least good.

Told me she really does have no one and there's family issues there. Apparently she has described him like an older brother to her... he said he thinks that's "sweet".

He tells me he has no interest in her like that at all and the comments are not how I'm making it seem. He showed me one where she mentioned something intimate and it was along the lines of "I'm extremely insecure and haven't had sex since my first year of uni, but I definitely miss having that connection with someone" or something alone those lines, I don't have the exact wording.

DH basically responded suggestions on how to get back out there and mentioned a couple people from the same band they play with who I'm sure would introduce her to people and build her confidence, she basically said she doesn't think she would enjoy it.

He just kept saying she doesn't know till she tries. Yes DH always wakes up to messages from her but it doesn't help that she is constantly sorry and he says he doesn't mind... he says he just feels bad for her and i said but what about the over the top comments he says he doesn't get what I mean as she only mentions it quickly like the example I gave above but Hmm

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 30/03/2022 13:07

The brother shit doesn’t wash and nobody has conversations with their brother like that. Nor do they text them every day.

Tell him to cut it out or fuck off, it’s really quite ridiculous.

SweetSakura · 30/03/2022 13:08

In your shoes, if he wasn't prepared to cut contact with her I would want to end my relationship.

Sprucewillis · 30/03/2022 13:08

@Silverclocks there are no accidental affairs

SweetSakura · 30/03/2022 13:13

Also, is he just showing you certain comments or has he let you look through their entire chat? I asked DH to let me do this when faced with similar and it was very clear that the whole "just supporting a lonely person" line he had spun me was total bollocks

Eskarina1 · 30/03/2022 13:17

Agree there are no accidental affairs. In my twenties I had several friends "end up" in affairs (both as the cheater and the other person). It never just happened. It was a series of decisions that edged them closer and closer to an affair. Increasing email contact, sliding into sexual discussion and ignoring your discomfort are all decisions on that path.

Plus "I haven't had sex in ages and I miss it" is a textbook come on. Shes not asking for advice...

OatmilkandCookies · 30/03/2022 13:19

I'll chat away about sex with close female friends, but if its something I want to try or DH wants to try, it stays between us.
I completely understand you feeling uncomfortable with this. I think I'd feel uncomfortable too.

NameChangeCity123 · 30/03/2022 13:19

My thoughts exactly

Hoplesscynic · 30/03/2022 13:22

After your last update about her sharing she hasn't had sex since 1st year of uni AND rejecting all his suggestions to meet new men - well, what does she want him to say? Suggest himself as available?
I'm reading this quite clearly OP as that's her wish. Why else would she continue going on about it BUT not want to meet people? Why else does she keep saying she has no one? What a load of crap. And I can't believe your DH doesn't understand your feelings and concerns.
At the very least, he needs to firmly tell her that his wife is uncomfortable with this and she has to stop sharing too intimate details and stop contacting him every single day. Or even better, he can just distance himself, he's a grown man.

Chonfox · 30/03/2022 13:23

Under no circumstances would I be ok with this. Many might be but don't feel pressured into accepting something you're uncomfortable with. My husband had a somewhat similar friendship at the beginning of the relationship. I told him I didn't like it and thought it was innaproriate. He pulled back. They're still friends but the boundaries are clear and the contact isn't so regular. There's no way he would have been comfortable if the tables were turned either, so he recognised the hypocrisy.

Tell him you're uncomfortable, if he cares about your feelings he'll stop encouraging this.

DameHelena · 30/03/2022 13:26

@changedtheusername

Had a chat with DH this morning again about it. He never has a problem with me asking so that's at least good.

Told me she really does have no one and there's family issues there. Apparently she has described him like an older brother to her... he said he thinks that's "sweet".

He tells me he has no interest in her like that at all and the comments are not how I'm making it seem. He showed me one where she mentioned something intimate and it was along the lines of "I'm extremely insecure and haven't had sex since my first year of uni, but I definitely miss having that connection with someone" or something alone those lines, I don't have the exact wording.

DH basically responded suggestions on how to get back out there and mentioned a couple people from the same band they play with who I'm sure would introduce her to people and build her confidence, she basically said she doesn't think she would enjoy it.

He just kept saying she doesn't know till she tries. Yes DH always wakes up to messages from her but it doesn't help that she is constantly sorry and he says he doesn't mind... he says he just feels bad for her and i said but what about the over the top comments he says he doesn't get what I mean as she only mentions it quickly like the example I gave above but Hmm

I don't think she's necessarily after him for an affair/a relationship, but she does sound like she's needy and doesn't know about/respect boundaries, and has latched on to your DH a bit.

I do feel for her, if she's lonely and hasn't many or any people to turn to, but there are still limits.

Ohmybod · 30/03/2022 13:28

“You’re like a brother to me”

I’m CRINGING at that!

I’m also cringing at your DH saying he feels bad for her. Imagine confiding your innermost worries to someone and they are telling others they listen because you feel bad for you. Sorry, but your DH is definitely not friends with this woman because she’s a soul mate or they have loads in common. He is flattered by the attention and you asking him about the relationship is probably now feeding his ego and making him feel even more important.

The fact that he always wakes up to messages from her is just plain wrong. Massive overstepping.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 30/03/2022 13:29

Wow where she thinks messaging someone elses husband in the middle of the night is appropriate is beyond me. i had a similar situation where friends were getting divorced and he was messaging me at 2-3am drunk (nothing inappropriate) however the act itself is inappropriate and told him to stop and then had to start distancing myself. i obvs told the EXtb and my partner what was going on as i felt he was far too dependent on me when he did have other people to turn to. i would feel very uncomfortable in your situation and if you have advised to your partner who i think is walking round with his eyes shut and typical male not seeing the red flags. Good Luck OP

ZippyZap · 30/03/2022 13:29

You need to get friendly with this woman to keep a close eye I'd say... Tell her you saw her messages to your husband and she can always talk to you if she wants relationship or sex advice as sometimes women are better at giving advice to women 😉

ExMachinaDeus · 30/03/2022 13:30

However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok?

Hmmm, I tend to think that if you're a heterosexual woman talking to a heterosexual man about sex in this pretty intimate way, there's a subconscious desire for that person being expressed there.

(Or vice versa a man telling a woman ...)

Jackiebrambles · 30/03/2022 13:31

Definitely sounds like she's latched onto him but he's married, you don't like it and frankly you come first!

Ohmybod · 30/03/2022 13:31

How much does your DH chat about you in these message exchanges? Does he draw on his own relationship to offer advice to the friend? If not, why not?

Belladonna12 · 30/03/2022 13:32

She is clearly interested in him and while there's no evidence that he feels the same way, I think he is being quite disingenuous about the whole thing unless he is very naive. Discussing her sex life with him and sending him messages during the night is outrageous. He needs to massively reduce contact or she won't go away and it will get extremely annoying.

SedentaryCat · 30/03/2022 13:41

If it makes you uncomfortable then he needs to pay attention to your feelings. The 'just friends' or he's 'like a brother to me' nonsense would make me prick my ears up and listen to what he's not saying.

I'd imagine he's flattered at being let in on her 'secrets' (for want of a better word). What 'secrets' does he talk to her about?

Overnight messaging...does he reply in the night? Why does she think she can do this?

Malalaa · 30/03/2022 13:48

When I was 20 I had a male work friend at, a few years older than me. He was absolutely gorgeous, I fancied the pants off him. He also had a girlfriend, who I knew about. We went out a few times with a group but also alone and he helped me out in a few tricky drunken nights out, picking me up, taking me home etc. The lines were blurred on both sides here but I was certainly throwing myself at him, wearing skimpy clothing and being outrageously flirty. I longed for his girlfriend to dump him. One day I went to see his band play with a group from work, and I met his girlfriend. She was absolutely lovely to me and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about how I had been acting. It was probably very obvious how much I fancied this guy and how inappropriate we had both been. Looking back now I'm horrified that I behaved that way and amazed that his girlfriend was able to be so kind to my face, probably slagging me off behind my back understandably. Our friendship faded out from both sides after this event and I'm sure his girlfriend (now wife) probably quite rightly had a say in this. Men are not as stupid as we think. If a woman is being nice to them a lot of the time they think it's because the woman fancies them. Your husband knows this woman is being inappropriate. I'd be having stern words with my husband if it was me.

anotherbrewplease · 30/03/2022 13:49

She sounds very needy.