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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Redglitter · 29/03/2022 22:30

So you like her, she gets on well with you all, she's going on holiday with you but she's not welcome for a meal. That makes NO sense. I think its understandable why your son invited her. Don't see why you're making such a huge deal about it

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2022 22:31

“Yeah. Your adult DCs partners are as much your family as your DCs (assuming they are not 13 or so.”

Well, no not really

AgathaOvercome · 29/03/2022 22:31

@reynardette

  1. Why is your DD boyfriend not invited if it’s a serious relationship? How weird to exclude him.
  1. Why does it matter if DS girlfriend comes? Are you planning to video the event? Hire a photographer? My DBro was going out with a girl two months for my wedding and he wanted her to come. I got family pics with and without her so if they broke up it wouldn’t be an issue.

You sound so immature and childish. Grow up.

caringcarer · 29/03/2022 22:32

I would have thought as you have such a tiny and insular family you would welcome your children's partners. Do you expect them to dump their partners and come running back every time you, their Dad or sister has a birthday? Unless you come back and tell us she is a drug dealer or something equally bad you are being very unreasonable.

Caiti19 · 29/03/2022 22:33

OP was trying to create an intimate event for husband with just his wife and 2 children, and I say that's absolutely fine! There are 364 other days of the year to involve partners. Of course having a non-family member there is going to change the dynamic and the conversation. He might even feel self conscious when the daughter appears and he starts crying. Your son should be capable of comprehending the family-only request. Invite partner over for dinner following weekend! This is an event into which you've put a lot of thought and planning, and it's totally fine to stick with your vision for it. YANBU. And no, I don't think your request for a single family-only event is an indicator of you being an MIL from hell. I don't see how anyone can extrapolate that.

Hawkins001 · 29/03/2022 22:34

@reynardette

Once you've screwed your opening post up, that's it. People are jumping on the fact that you've 'hit the roof', and mentioned your son's job.

Thank you. You nailed it. First time I've posted. Perhaps given to a little exaggeration from time to time.

But replies... Illuminating! Will bow out now while still alive!

Welcome to the jungle, that is mumsnet, you have to be aware for vipers all over the various conversations, yes most people are lovley, some prefer a robust debate, some are very clinical and analysing every word you use, but overall mumsnet is my cuppa tea.
ThePennyJustDropped · 29/03/2022 22:34

I've read the whole thread and I'm mainly just puzzled as to why you posted in AIBU OP, because you clearly don't think you are unreasonable here even though the majority of respondents think you have been. Regardless, I hope your DH has a lovely birthday meal and I hope you enjoy a close relationship with your son in future...my twopence worth is that although he should have asked, your insistence on keeping it nuclear is odd where adult DC are concerned

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 22:36

@Redglitter

So you like her, she gets on well with you all, she's going on holiday with you but she's not welcome for a meal. That makes NO sense. I think its understandable why your son invited her. Don't see why you're making such a huge deal about it
I think the ops just got all excited about the dinner and her daughter coming home and let it get the better of her.

The concerning thing here is the way she talks about her children. It feels like it’s written to show how good the daughter is, she’s at uni don’t you know , she’s flying in specially, how great is she, and how much of a disappointment the son is, back home, lost four jobs.

There was no need for it, it’s not nice. And indicates a very very damaging dynamic in the way these siblings are treated.

PatchworkElmer · 29/03/2022 22:37

YABVU. Your children are adults and it’s time to include their partners in this tradition I think.

Kite22 · 29/03/2022 22:43

Holidays are a bit different as there are other people to bounce off and lots of space.

Well yes, they are different.
They tend to last 7 days or more, and not one evening.
They tend to include 21 meals, not one.
I would want to ensure I had spent a lot of time with anyone before agreeing to go on holiday with them. this would normally include doing things like eating out together.
I think you have this the wrong way round.

Painiscrap · 29/03/2022 22:44

The issue with the meal now, is definitely that dd’s serious bf isn’t invited, but ds’s not so serious gf is!

SofiaSoFar · 29/03/2022 22:44

YANBU.

DS sounds like a dropout. Tell him what you want for DH's birthday and he can follow that.

twilightermummy · 29/03/2022 22:45

I voted yanbu but, since reading your updates that she’s going on holiday with you and you really like her then, I think yabu.

Plus, imo you’re a bit mean about your son. Sounds like there’s some resentment simmering under the surface. If he’s annoying you - tell him. She can always be uninvited too with a simple, honest explanation. If you choose to sit back and accept it all, it won’t change.

KneadingKitty · 29/03/2022 22:48

If she does come and eventually it doesn't work out; why on Earth would it matter? Are you bothered about her being in photos or something?

Maybe you should concern yourself more with what's going on for your son that has made him lose 4 jobs in 3 months.

ouch321 · 29/03/2022 22:49

Cheeky!

You can't invite someone to a party /do someone else is hosting.

That's v ill-mannered.

HoppingPavlova · 29/03/2022 22:54

Extremely weird and controlling. Keep this up and the result will be DS won’t bother with these dinners/celebrations anymore, and you can’t make him. Then your DD may get a boyfriend and ditto. So you and DH will get to have these occasions all to yourselves. You can’t keep them as children under your control forever you know.

ItsDisneyBitch · 29/03/2022 22:54

Wow you much prefer your daughter that is all I’m getting from your posts so if a bunch of strangers can see it, believe me your son knows full fucking well. No wonder he wants to bring an ally to have on his side while you all fawn over your more successful child.

Katya213 · 29/03/2022 22:55

You hit the roof because your son invited his girlfriend ? You sound very highly strung!

katepilar · 29/03/2022 22:57

Apparently I am in the minority here but its rude to invite people to meals that are organised by someone else.
Also in my world it reasonable to want to have a meal as a nuclear family and not not automatically include a girlfriend of just 6 months.
I am actually shocked that so many people think you are not reasonable.

Lesina · 29/03/2022 22:57

Yes. You are being unreasonable

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/03/2022 23:03

You can go on holiday together but not out for dinner?

Weird and odd.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/03/2022 23:04

Personally, I think it's nice for adult children to start bringing their partners. It's nice seeing the family growing, in a few years there could even be grandchildren on the scene.

At my birthday/mothers day meal my two eldest daughters (21 and 16) both brought along their boyfriends and I couldn't help but think how lovely it was seeing the family starting to grow after it has been shrinking with older generation passing away.

Of course you have your own family traditions and know the girlfriend far better to judge the situation but I think it's nice rather than a problem.

Nat94 · 29/03/2022 23:05

You're a strange person op. Do you not take well to "outsiders"? 🤣

PinkPiranha11 · 29/03/2022 23:08

Sound the “nightmare MIL” klaxon….⛑

WildCoasts · 29/03/2022 23:10

I tend to assume all my grown children's BFs and GFs are their future potential mate, and treat them as such. It's good to get off on the right foot with them. Yes, your son should check with you first before inviting someone else, but this is a natural progression in life. So far, that seems to have worked out well. I have one CIL and they are a great addition to the family and seem to be happy with us too. Just be welcoming.

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