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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:

HeadNorth · 30/03/2022 07:50

If you disinvite her, you will be absolutely screwed if this is the one he decides to marry and have kids with. You can hit the roof all you like then - but your wee nuclear family will have gone for a burton.

knowinglesseveryday · 30/03/2022 08:10

It's obviously rude. He has invited her to a dinner which I assume you are paying for.

longwayoff · 30/03/2022 08:12

Lucky girlfriend if she manages to dodge this, sounds like a welcome most people would be anxious to avoid. Hopefully she'll find she's otherwise engaged on your important occasion.

Sandra2010 · 30/03/2022 08:16

He should've asked, agreed. However, they've been together 6 months, that's the basis for a potentially long term relationship. It sounds like he's a source for frustration (I have two very different kids, I know how that feels), but look for positives, it will help to improve your relationship with him. If he's really keen on this girl, he might want to sort himself out to keep their relationship healthy. It also gives you a chance to get to know her, if you welcome her, that will also improve your relationship with your son. There are lots of positives here.

Catflapkitkat · 30/03/2022 08:29

I think you are getting a hard time on here, I think it's very rude. As you are arranging it and I assume you are paying for If - he is cheeky. At 23 he should know better.

If he has moved back home than you'll be seeing plenty of the girlfriend.

Enjoy your night out OP

Jewel52 · 30/03/2022 08:33

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Exactly this. I have 3 sons but a very small family otherwise. Looking forward to extending the family via their partners. My ex MIL is alone in her 70s because of the kind of behaviour you’re exhibiting. Your comments on your son’s work situation suggest you’re judgmental

Pancakeorcrepe · 30/03/2022 08:33

YABU and you sound quite awful

OneSugar1 · 30/03/2022 08:35

“Nuclear family tradition” would have me running for the hills if I was your ds’s girlfriend.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/03/2022 08:36

Having read all of your posts YANBU. If your family tradition of birthdays is to be only the 4 of you, then it was pretty thoughtless of him to invite his girlfriend without running it past you first. Especially knowing what your DH would want. It's not as though there aren't other opportunities for your DS to include his (relatively new) GF. As you say, you're all going on holiday together in May.

beachcitygirl · 30/03/2022 08:42

Yabvvu and sound like a nightmare mil in the making

Heronwatcher · 30/03/2022 08:43

Traditions change. Why do you think he invited her? Maybe he doesn’t enjoy it quite as much as you think? I think you need to take a step back and at least try this for a change.

LampreyHoover · 30/03/2022 08:48

I so wish someone had warned me about “Nightmare MIL Bingo” when I met DH. I could have detached from the batshittery so much earlier.

OP you need to wake up before you lose your DS and potentially any children he may have with girlfriends that turn into wives. You won’t get invited to Christmas lunch or have anyone care if you break your hip at this rate. You reap what you sow.

DearlyBeloathed · 30/03/2022 08:50

@SomethingVexesThee

All this obsession over the phrase "hit the roof"

I hardly think the OP is describing a situation of violence and abuse. She was pissed off at her son's thoughtlessness and it sounds like the latest in a long line of exasperating, immature behaviour from a supposed adult.

YANBU. Very rude to invite her without asking. Not weird to have a meal for just the 4 of you either.

And 6 months is really not a long relationship IMO! Holiday - fine, casual, there will be other holidays. You can't re-do a one off big birthday.

You think a holiday is more casual than sitting in a restaurant having a meal?

Onesipmore · 30/03/2022 08:50

I think the OP has had a hard time on here. I would be pissed off if I was organising a small family event and one of my kids invited a partner along without asking first. I mean its just basic manners isn't it? Then OP would have had the choice.In this situation she's been railroaded and this does not mean she is going to be a nightmare MIL in the future.
Added to which, if she wants to be pissed off about DS having wine through 4 jobs in 3 months, I think she can be. DS was not the host and not in a position to do the inviting.

ilovepuppies2019 · 30/03/2022 08:51

I wonder if I have missed something because these replies are odd. Of course you can't invite a partner to a celebration without asking and simply expect that they will be paid for. In what other context could you do this? Asking is the most basic level of politeness and I would be horrified if a child / parent / friend assumed that I would happily pay for one more person and change the nature of my celebration without asking. Having a partner there changes the dynamic and for one day a year DH would like the dynamic to be one he is most comfortable with. If the DC can't go to one family meal a year without a partner then I would worry about their independence. People are individuals outside of their partners. I wonder how many people would be happy to have planned a close family meal for their birthday with their DH in a special, private setting and then discover that their DH has invited their MIL along without asking. Oh and you'll need to pay for her and probably bring her there and home. Yikes! It changes the dynamic. He needed to ask.

helpfulperson · 30/03/2022 08:54

Although I sort of agree with those saying he should have asked I imagine he just presumed she was invited. When I've organised family things I've just presumed that an invite to a family member is a couples invite and counted appropriately.

Sakura7 · 30/03/2022 08:55

The people saying YANBU are getting hung up on the perceived rudeness of the son not asking first, and are overlooking the much bigger issue of OP's reaction and her mean attitude towards her son.

But then MN can be over the top about manners. I remember a thread once where posters absolutely piled on to have a go at an 8 year old child who forgot to say thank you for a lift one time.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 08:57

I’m confused.
You say dh wouldn’t like it if she’s there but you haven’t asked him because it’s a surprise.
Then it’s not a surprise he knows there is a dinner, because tradition, but thinks it’s just the 3 of you.
So on that thinking surely it would be nice to have ds gf there?
Perhaps ASK your dh? That is not ruining any surprise.

The surprise is actually dd flying in.

It sounds more like YOU don’t want her there because it may detract from the surprise of dd arriving?
Oh and because it is difficult for dds bf to be there. Because flights.
So really all this sounds very much centered around dd.
Ds can’t bring gf because dd is coming, and without her bf. So not fair on dd or her bf?
So you’ve made ds tell his gf she isn’t welcome at the meal. That’s going to make for an uncomfortable holiday tbh because however nice about it she’ll be, she will definitely be feeling like you don’t want her around deep down.
I expect you’ll also fawn over dd and her bf on the holiday, because you actually don’t like your ds that much.

I expect ds knows this I’m afraid.

NewtoHolland · 30/03/2022 09:03

Sure fire way to damage your relationship with your son. Maybe chat calmly about it and apologise. It's not going to bode well if this ends up being his wife.

marqueses · 30/03/2022 09:05

@helpfulperson

But that's such an odd presumption when he's known all his life that his dad wants his birthday dinners to be just the 4 of them

That's what I don't get, he can't be that stupid or ignorant of his dad's personality can he?

What is the thought process that gets from I know my dad doesn't like this to I'll tell my mum I've done something I know dad will hate? Did he not live with his dad growing up?

ToxicBuns · 30/03/2022 09:08

@WindyKnickers I completely agree! That's exactly how I read the situation. It seems kind of kick hom whilst he's down. For all we know OP and husband might be on at him not having a job etc.. and he is taking the GF for moral support.

rhowton · 30/03/2022 09:12

I think there is a reason why your daughter has chosen to go to university so far away.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 09:12

But that's such an odd presumption when he's known all his life that his dad wants his birthday dinners to be just the 4 of them

See the thing is, I don't think his dad probably minds. OP hasn't even asked him. I think its OP that minds because DD flying in is actually the big event. Which is why she 'hit the roof'. It will detract from dd's grand entrance, or something weird like that.

It makes no sense. If DH was so insular and hated anyone else being family dinners, DS must know this and would know to ask. The fact he assumed it was ok to bring GF suggests he really had no idea it would be an issue for his father.

Plus they are all going on holiday. But of course the holiday includes dd and her bf. So I really think its more that OP doesn't want to upset dd because her bf isn't able to attend the meal and she might feel put out if ds's gf is there? OP seems fine to upset DS and his gf though.
Its all very strange.

silverbubbles · 30/03/2022 09:13

He should have asked you and then you should have said yes.

Sounds like you need to loosen up a bit and try to be a bit more outward facing.

Flippy87 · 30/03/2022 09:16

This is just weird, feel like I can really picture the family dynamic. Can’t understand how it’s more okay to take a partner on holiday than to a meal. A week with someone is less serious than a 2 hour meal?! Yeah right

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