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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Cocogreen · 29/03/2022 23:12

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Plus " hitting the roof " over this issue.

You need to lighten up.
And you can get her to take photos of the four of you together for the special birthday.

justasking111 · 29/03/2022 23:22

@WildCoasts

I tend to assume all my grown children's BFs and GFs are their future potential mate, and treat them as such. It's good to get off on the right foot with them. Yes, your son should check with you first before inviting someone else, but this is a natural progression in life. So far, that seems to have worked out well. I have one CIL and they are a great addition to the family and seem to be happy with us too. Just be welcoming.
That's what we decided to do from the beginning all welcome because someday the ONE will walk through the door
RustyShackleford3 · 29/03/2022 23:32

Yeah, he should have asked. That's not good manners. But it's not that big of a deal. You should probably start inviting her to family events yourself, as well as your other children's partners.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2022 23:35

@reynardette

Gosh you are mostly very judgemental. Immediately assume it is my doing. But DH would not want it. It is his birthday. DS should know this by now. No, I don't want to continue a nuclear tradition. I love parties and celebration. We are going on holiday all together! But it is not my birthday. It is not a party. DH would absolutley not want a party He likes just close family. I still think DS should have asked.
Then why is he happy to spend even longer on a holiday with her?
Nanny0gg · 29/03/2022 23:37

@reynardette

Being a MIL from hell won't be interesting. I've got 3 sons, I've gone out of my way to welcome their girlfriends/partners/wives and it is worth the effort.

Erm. It was a joke!

Eh?

Is this whole thread a waste of time?

RussianSpy101 · 29/03/2022 23:42

YABVU and sound very strange.

flowersintheshade · 29/03/2022 23:46

Ex Dp took a very drunk me along to his fathers birthday party a few years ago. I was embarrassing, they were welcoming. I am now the (rather good) mother to their only grandkids and they are still lovely to me. Nice people.

Djmaggie · 29/03/2022 23:48

YANBU. As you have organised the meal, it wasn’t your Sons place to invite anybody without asking you. Doubly so if you are paying.

Margaretmatcher · 29/03/2022 23:49

Jeez what kind of a parent are you,? Why is your son not being able to keep a job. You hit the roof maybe put your energy into your son and find out the support he needs from his parents instead of faffing about dinners

a1poshpaws · 30/03/2022 00:01

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Exactly this.
LBFseBrom · 30/03/2022 00:08

I don't understand why husband wouldn't like anyone from outside the immediate family at the dinner; I mean, surely when both children are married and have children, he wife or husband and grandchildren won't be excluded. Also an evening out comes to an end quickly, a holiday is longer; he'll be trapped with son's girlfriend for the duration of that.

As for your father in law not being engaged - yet on his third wife. That makes no sense, if he is married he wouldn't be engaged surely so why would he not at least be invited unless your husband hates the third wife.

However, it's time I was asleep. Hopefully the op will have got over her son's rudeness by the morning and feel happier about it all. No hitting the roof for now.

Cameleongirl · 30/03/2022 00:08

Well, I think YANBU, OP. If you have a tradition of nuclear family dinners as a celebration (and that's what your DH wants), your DS should definitely have asked before inviting his GF of a few months. Especially if he's been telling you that their relationship is shaky!

As for the MIL from hell comments, that's just daft.

saraclara · 30/03/2022 00:08

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

I went to my ex boyfriend's Dad's 50th bash. It's all part of the rich tapestry of life.
Presumably you were invited?
Hiddenvoice · 30/03/2022 00:26

I think he invited her as you’re all going on holiday together in May so would only seem natural for her to be invited to a family dinner.
You say your dh wouldn’t like it. You’re children are now adults and will be settling down with people now. He will sadly need to come to terms with partners attending family dinners, it’s a natural progression.
You mentioned that dd partner isn’t going so there will be less people to bounce off, I don’t really see this as an issue.
I think it might now be awkward for her to be uninvited.
If it was me I’d feel unwelcome during the family holiday if I wasn’t allowed to attend a family dinner.

AlwaysLatte · 30/03/2022 00:37

Hit the roof? Sounds very melodramatic. It's a natural progression for grown children to want to invite their partners to special events. We've invited partners on holidays and it's been great, also an opportunity to get to know them more.

SmellyOldOwls · 30/03/2022 00:40

@LegMeChicken

Once you've screwed your opening post up, that's it. People are jumping on the fact that you've 'hit the roof', and mentioned your son's job.

It's rude to invite someone else to an expensive restaurant, without checking. Especially not a girlfriend of 6 months.

And even for married couples... there are things you want to discuss as a family without partners involves. It changes the dynamic completely for a small, intimate meal.

All people have are the information that's given to them. If you don't like the replies then either take it on board or look at you've written, if you've presented the situation wrongly then say to yourself (and everyone else so you don't waste their time) actually I think I've made a mistake in how I've made this come across. The board is AIBU, you are literally asking people if you are BU, obviously some people are going to say that you are because if it's not evident enough for you to trust yourself that you aren't BU then how are people with one paragraph to go on going to see it?!

Bintymcbintface · 30/03/2022 00:44

Is anyone else hoping dd rocks up with her boyfriend in tow without telling anyone he's coming?

PaperTyger · 30/03/2022 00:48

I used to be very happy go lucky, the more the merrier until I met my in-laws.

Years of petty exclusions, rescinded invites and strict rules,guess what..
I /we got strict back...

Which makes for meeting up meeting both set's of " anal strictness" extremely difficult.
So difficult we don't bother now because trying to conform when we have two small DC is hardworking.
.we don't bother

GettinPiggyWithIt · 30/03/2022 00:54

It all sounds so goddamn miserable

My husband’s family are like this and I can tell you as an outgoing friendly type it’s utterly souls destroying and makes you feel so unwelcome and unwanted

One day you will have a daughter in law so maybe time to practice being inclusive and welcoming to people your children value

DirectionToPerfection · 30/03/2022 01:03

If you hit the roof over something as minor as this, I dread to think what you're like when there are serious issues to deal with.

Your poor son. Your attitude is just so petty and mean.

Sad to see so many posters put appearances of 'politeness' ahead of nurturing positive relationships with their children's partners.

Fearitcatches · 30/03/2022 01:24

I do think he should have checked with you but your reaction seems over the top and you really sound like you favour your daughter.

Jongy · 30/03/2022 02:02

My late 20s son has been with his girlfriend since he was 15 and she 16.

Right from the start she was included and now all these years later she is much loved by all of us and a cherished member of our family.

I can understand if you don’t have the means to pay for an extra guest, that’s a different thing altogether but if you are angry just because someone from outside the family is coming then I feel a bit sorry for you as you could miss out on a good relationship with her later on if they stay together.

1forAll74 · 30/03/2022 03:06

Try to be a bit kinder in your thought process please.

Cocogreen · 30/03/2022 03:12

Now I'm assuming dad is going to sulk all the way through dinner if any other than the nuclear family turns up, and OP is trying to avoid that.

HangingRock25 · 30/03/2022 03:30

@reynardette Why can't you just uninvite her? Ring her up and tell her it's a very personal get together but you are looking forward to the holiday with her in May?