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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
inmyslippers · 29/03/2022 16:52

I wouldn't take offence if you said no and explained your reasons

Lovebroccoli · 29/03/2022 16:53

If you have a pool cover then it should be on when you are away. If by chance anyone drowned, you might be liable if the pool wasn't secured.
I'm only going by French rules here as I've never had a pool in the UK.

LightDrizzle · 29/03/2022 16:53

Hi Chancer!
Sorry. We’re not letting people use it in our absence any more. It took DH a long time to rebalance the chemicals last time. It’s quite precise.

x

Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 16:53

Pools are a real PITA with people wanting to use them.

Family friends in SW France had neighbours with young children breaking in to use their pool when they were away even though they'd said not to use it!

My DP's have a pool themselves at their holiday home (just boring bog standard outside pool, does need chemicals but not hugely complex. They had a couple of friends of friends (French) ask to use the pool. DPs always said sorry, if there's an accident they're not insured for that, and like you were concerned if issues with chemicals. If they were there then fine they could use the pool if they invited them round. They were never sure if these friends broke in but the neighbours (farmers) said they'd seen/heard people in there but thought it was ok so didn't say anything.

They'd had issues with someone breaking into the garage and stealing tools or bikes so have now installed electric fencing around the pool area and luckily no one has broken in.

The police don't want to know as they're Brits!

thinkfast · 29/03/2022 16:54

It's quite simple. "There were problems with the chemicals and water level last time you used it when we were away, so we can't let you use it this time". Then change the code for the gate.

Mumsnut · 29/03/2022 16:55

Tell her you're going to take the opportunity to 'shock' the pool with very strong chlorine while you're away, which will make it unsafe to swim in.

(This is a genuine pool thing)

MuggleMadness · 29/03/2022 16:56

If you want an excuse and a deterrent, just say sorry it's not possible, DH Is using the time there's no one there to do a chemical clean and there will be strong chemicals in the water.

Myalternate · 29/03/2022 16:56

If you're reluctant to say no to her, just tell her your DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back after she used it last time and you're no longer taking the risk.

DoorLion · 29/03/2022 16:57

I also don't understand why you can't say " we don't want to waste money heating the pool while we are away"? Why can't you say that, especially with fuel bills rising? You wouldn't leave all your lights on while you are away, or have your heating set to come on in the house.

Squiz81 · 29/03/2022 16:58

I’d be honest too. Explain the chemicals weren’t done properly last time, explain implications to the filter and say it’s too much of a risk to let people use it without knowing properly what they’re doing.

If she’s a decent person she’d be embarrassed about last time, apologise and never ask again!

TabithaHazel · 29/03/2022 16:59

Just tell her you've recently realised your insurance will be invalid if you let people use your property while you are not there.

Question10 · 29/03/2022 17:00

I’m a therapist so would be interested to know how consistent you are at setting boundaries? It is ok to say “no” because of the reasons you gave. But that you are happy for her to use it when you are home. Set the boundary!

AwkwardPaws27 · 29/03/2022 17:00

But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense

Why can't you say exactly that?
With the recent energy price rises, you aren't heating it until you get back as its costing so much more now. Perfectly good reason & saves getting into the slightly trickier stuff around incorrect maintenance.

Sirzy · 29/03/2022 17:00

Don’t lie, that means she will ask again next time you go.

Explain what you have said here and why it won’t be possible especially with the heating cost

jytdtysrht · 29/03/2022 17:01

If you are too worried about being a people pleaser then say your dh went mental about the chemicals last time and won’t allow use whilst you are away.

Original poster
bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 17:01

@BronwenFrideswide

She's not a friend, though, so don't feel you have to keep her happy.

Exactly, why are you trying to do so, OP? Why are you hunting around for excuses to use when a straightforward 'No' is all that is required?

Because I'm weak tbh and I feel selfish saying no. I have always been like that and I really really wish I wasn't. This friend walks all over me but I am not strong enough against her. She has the gate code (she wanted it for using the pool before and in case of any emergency ever).

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

OP posts:
jessycake · 29/03/2022 17:02

No , you are probably not insured, what if she has an accident , causes a chemical spill , invites other people round.

Horst · 29/03/2022 17:03

Change the code. Text her no. Mute the texts for 24/48 hours. Then grow a backbone.

Drinkingallthewine · 29/03/2022 17:04

"DP has scheduled maintenance on it that week and wont be safe for use until we are back, sorry!"

That will also explain the gate code changing.

Worst case scenario she sneaks in to use it and freezes her cheeky tits off.

themonkeysnuts · 29/03/2022 17:04

change the code for the gate or she will use it anyway

Winkydink · 29/03/2022 17:04

Oooh, change the gate code while you're at it. I have friends with pools and saunas and amazing holiday homes. I never ask to come over, always wait to be invited. This is a great exercise in just. saying. no (with any reason as suggested above). I think the cost of heating is compelling. But please stick to your guns. You don't owe her daughter access to a pool.

Momijin · 29/03/2022 17:04

Tell her what you've said here that you won't be heating the pool whilst you're away as it costs a lot of money and maintaining it is hard and takes skill and experience and last time it took your dh quite a while to get it back to normal.

If I borrowed something and didn't return it in the same condition and also it cost them money I wouldn't think it unreasonable not to be lent it again. My parents have a pool and it isn't easy and we used to have a hot tub and that wasn't easy to maintain.

Beamur · 29/03/2022 17:05

Be prepared for the emotional blackmail! Sympathise but maybe invite them over at your convenience. Stay firm - the heating is going off and you don't want it used in your absence again.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/03/2022 17:05

my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed

You know it'll be her DD and her DD's mates yes?
If the weather is nice she might even invite friends round to lounge in your garden.

Does she even acknowledge that she muked up the pool last time ?
If someone borrowed your car and drove it with the handbrake on would you lend it again? Nope '.

WonderfulYou · 29/03/2022 17:05

If you don’t want to say no I would just say as PPs posters have said that your going to have work done on it - professionals refitting something or putting in storing chemicals.

This is something that needs to be nipped in the bud as she can easily turn into a CF so I think you need to be more direct and say something along the lines of sorry we’ve decided to not let anyone use it whilst we’re away - I wouldn’t give a reason.
If she does press for a reason then say lots of people keep asking so you’re going to have a blanket rule for everyone.