Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

You could ask DH to tell her she can’t use the pool.

oh OP. Has it ever occurred to you that by not being assertive, by not setting boundaries when others try to take advantage of you, you are actually doing more harm than good to your friendship with this person?

Saying yes when you want to say no, in any relationship, will create feelings of resentment and bitterness, slowly. You already know your "friend" is a user. Now, in spite of some excellent suggestions in this thread (by strangers who seem to care more for you than your supposed friend) you have done exactly the same thing that keeps you as a 'victim' and given in to her, which will make her 'use' you more, and more festering of resentment.

I know it's not easy to say no to a friend one has emotional ties to, we all have clung on to those relationships that are bad for us simply because we are scared to be abandoned or to be alone, but in this case, where it is simply not a good idea (financially, insurance, safety) for a careless friend to use your pool when you are away, It'd have been better to be honest to yourself, than keep your friend 'happy' - you have completely lost sight of the forest for the trees.

Love this! OP: now that you have caved in, the next best thing is to be an absolute pest... just keep on hollering about how careful your friend needs to be reg the pool, send her 'instructions' on mail and whatsapp regularly (i'd aim for every day), tell her a camera has been installed for insurance purposes, make her understand subtly that you will not tolerate her if she plans to have a huge pool party in your property when you are not there... with some luck she will be so annoyed she will never ask for a CF favour from you again 😛

I'm failing to believe that this is real tbh..🤔

I think it's someone wanting to show how mean mumsnetters can be if you insist on being someone's dormat. Leave the OP alone. She was never really interested in anyone's opinions if that was the real reason for posting

Could well be true.

I was an absolute doormat for YEARS. I'd write welcome on my forehead, lie down and apologise for the inconvenience of having to wipe their feet on me.

I'd always say what I thought the person wanted me to say, till eventually I didn't know what the fuck I even wanted anyway!

I ran out of fucks years ago but I still remember how it felt to be so scared of upsetting people that I was a complete walkover.

I know what you mean it’s hard to believe anyone could be so wet

It isn't wet though because she is deliberately upsetting her husband to please a friend who is only her friend if she gets her own way which is why it seems unreal. A real friend you could say no to without them having a tantrum and demanding they get their own way.

True. I actually think OP has a right brass neck tbh. She’s pissing off her husband and really doesn’t seem to care so long as she herself is alright. That’s not wet, that’s self-serving

Hi op, how did it go? Hope your dh has forgiven you.

@bakedbeansandgravy what did you do about the pool conundrum?

@madamemeow
I couldn't agree more. Excellent comment.

@bakedbeansandgravy
I'd take a deep breath and tell your friend that you had to change your mind for various reasons including the imbalance of chemicals thing which happens in the past. Say it firmly and say you've agreed with your DH that you'll be changing the gate code. Whatever she says regarding her daughter, you MUST simply say that life has lots of disappointments and you're sure the friend will find some other amusements for her to enjoy.
There is no need to be a doormat and it only needs to be said once, no matter what she, the 'friend', says.
Her daughter will be disappointed many times in her life and this is just one of them.
May has come and gone but she will ask again and again...
Make it clear now that it won't be happening any more. Stop being a wimp.

thanks! :-)