Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

@StormTreader

a) OP is actually being really selfish. She is allowing her friend to use the pool so that she doesn’t have to feel bad, so she can avoid any uncomfortable feelings saying no to friend may evoke within her and to hell with her husband. His feelings don’t count in this, OP’s take precedence. Also it’s not even Op that would have all the hassle of sorting the pool chemicals etc when friend fucks them up. It’s easy for op to say yes because she won’t be the one having to deal with the consequences.

b) Op hasn’t worked hard to buy this pool. It’s was bought with husbands inheritance money. His, not hers. So the final say in it should be left to him. Op is being a right cheeky fucker IMO to lend out something willy nilly that doesn’t even belong to her.

Of course you have personal chattels. But a pool is part of their house, not someone's jacket or car (cars also have separate legal registered keepers).

I have voted YABU because you said yes to her.
You´d rather upset your OH than your friend? Why?

You just needed to say that her using isn´t possible because you´re going to turn off the heating and it needs to be kept properly by people who know what they´re doing it. None of it is a lie.

She is not a good friend. She is a user because she didn´t even take proper care of your property last time.
I´m sure she´s prepared for a no. And if she is not, then it´s her problem.

As its now May, has she already used the pool?
If you are not up to battling her (which I think is fair enough), can you ask your DH to speak to her and tell her, no, that it invalidates the insurance and is too costly to leave on over your holiday. And definitely change your entry key pad code.

Try googling the grey rock technique, I found this useful in standing up to people before, especially as this sounds like a friendship you don't have anything pleasure from.

I've changed my YANBU to a YABU after your update. I think you're mad. Personally I think I'd be on edge for the whole holiday wondering what I was going home to but each to their own. If I were your DH I wouldn't divorce you over this but I'd be severely pissed off.

If I was your DH, I´d change the code on the gate number pad just before leaving.

Which is exactly why he doesn't know.

@Lockheart

whatever you say she doesn’t have equal say to her DH on that pool.

@Lockheart

especially as she’s not even the one who puts the work in to maintain it!

Of course she does.

Can you imagine if a husband told a SAHM she didn't have a say over their house or garden because he paid for it?

And she should learn how to maintain it. But that doesn't mean she's not an equal owner of the pool.

Just say you've chaged your mind.

It doesn't matter if you upset her, she's clearly not your friend anyway??!!

@Lockheart

Nah. If my husband bought something for the house out of his inheritance I would see it ultimately as his in the sense that the final say on its use etc is left to him, even if it is an item or utility that we both use. And vice versa.

That's a shame. The truth would have done.

I don't think the source of the inheritance should give the husband a greater say but I do think if he has to pick up the pieces and sort the pool out then it's incredibly rude and inconsiderate for OP to unilaterally make a decision which creates more work for him.

I have a pool. There is only one friend that is allowed to use it when we are away, and that's because she knows how to look after it properly, and she looks after the cats when we are gone. And I know she won't take the piss, she just has a quiet swim and sunbathe (we are not in the UK), feeds the cats and goes home! The arrangement is reciprocal, when she goes away I look after her pets and use her spa if I want. My other friends know not to ask as the answer will be no. You need to grow a spine OP, your friend isn't really a friend.

Yep! It’s all very well for op to say yes to friend when she’s not the one who has to pick up the pieces

don't heat it while you are away - then they will proabably only use it once.

Considering that LTB is the regular response to the slightest thing a man does it seems perfectly reasonable here. If the roles were reversed, her inheritance, his friend being allowed to use, it the reactions would be LTB!

a lot of women are socialised heavily that the worst thing they can be is SELFISH, when actually being selfish is fine on a lot of occasions, even healthy

In fact a lot of women are socialised heavily into thinking that other people matter more than family. Sometimes they do. But generally you put family before "friends".

ommmggggeeee! Change the passcode then pretend your dh did it. Don't take her calls while away.

If you can't face doing then def turn the heating off.

Tell them you will be putting a higher dose of chlorine in the pool before you go away to condition the water so it's OK for when you return. Unfortunately due to this it's not going to be within safe limits to swim in over this time.

You're a wimp OP. I hope you don't get burgled while you're away and then find out your insurance is invalid because you have given someone the code for the gate.

That's infinitely more preferable than saying no to someone she isn't married to.

WalkWithDignityAndPride

Looks like it. I hope the OP's DH changes the code before they go away.