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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:

DameMargaretofChalfont · 29/03/2022 17:15

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

If she does this then your response needs to be:-
"What a shame you mentioned it to her before checking with me. I'm not surprised you're disappointing her"

Then the matter is closed. If she really is a friend she will respect your answer.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 29/03/2022 17:15

Tell her to put the Lotto on and fingers crossed she wins then her dd can too have a pool.

girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 17:16

Tell her the leisure centre is open.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2022 17:16

But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

Aside from the other reasons, why on earth can you not tell her that you don't want to pay a great deal of money for energy that you don't need to use? You aren't turning it off because you're desperately unable to use it - just not wishing to incur a bill for services you don't want/need. Would she leave her house heating on full if she was away on holiday? I suppose you could always tell her what the heating costs would be for the period and 'invite' her to transfer the money to you if she wants to use it - bet she'd run a mile.

I think home swimming pools are one of those things that everybody wants to use, but nobody understands (or cares to understand) just how much money and time they cost you. I think a lot of people figure that, if you have a pool, you're probably quite comfortably off anyway; but that's still no reason why you should be expected to sub everybody else. They're like the people who think that 'fairly sharing' a sledge is you getting to take it up the hill each time and them using it on the way down.

Not that she sounds like she deserves your tact anyway, but I'd just say that the heating will be off (you've allocated the huge cost of it towards your holiday budget) and you've found that people who don't own pools cause you a huge amount of grief and time when they don't understand how to maintain it properly, so it's only allowed to be used when you are there too.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 29/03/2022 17:17

Change the code. Don’t tell her.

Ignore messages while you are away.

Turn heating off

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2022 17:17

*You aren't turning it off because you're desperately unable to use it

unable to AFFORD it (not use)

Subbaxeo · 29/03/2022 17:17

I really wouldn’t tell fibs about the pool needing an engineer! Why would you do that? What’s wrong with the truth? You’ve decided that on occasions when you’re away, you’ll switch off the systems as you need to economise and to ensure there is no issues with maintaining the water cleanliness. So she can use it but only when you’re around. Perfectly fine to say that.

GivenchyDahhling · 29/03/2022 17:18

My parents bought a house with an indoor and an outdoor pool about 5 years ago (which is very annoying as I didn't get to have fun in it as a child, but at least my kids will enjoy it!!).

They massively, massively underestimated how much work, money and maintenance is involved in having swimming pools. In the summer when the outdoor pool is 'open', my dad has to go out every morning and evening to deal with it. Not exactly the relaxing retirement they envisioned. I think if you don't actually own a pool, you really cannot understand the work involved in its upkeep (and the costs involved if something goes wrong) and so for that reason I would definitely be saying no to your friend.

Make sure you change the code on the gate!

Cas112 · 29/03/2022 17:19

Just say your having it professionally cleaned whilst your away and it can't be used for a few days afterwards

Or just explain the truth and why and as a friend she should understand

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2022 17:19

I can, of course, see how this would be awkward/difficult

So can I, but then lots of life situations are awkward/difficult and simply rolling over for them with an "Oooo I'm a people pleaser me" isn't much of an answer unless you want to be steamrollered at every turn

Sceptre86 · 29/03/2022 17:21

aypu tell her no, change the key code and block this 'friend'. She's no friend of yours.

Sceptre86 · 29/03/2022 17:21

You even

pangolina · 29/03/2022 17:21

Just say "lol, you're about the 5th person to ask me! We've decided not to let people use it anymore while we aren't here so that won't be possible, we're turning everything off while we're away".
It's your pool, you don't have to explain yourself. Definitely change the gate code.

CrazyTimes123 · 29/03/2022 17:22

Where did all the water go last time ??!!

Are you sure she didn’t have a pool party ?

(Misses point entirely)

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2022 17:22

YABU for considering her a friend, really. What does she do for you - or is it all one-way?

I agree with PP that, if she promised her DD something before checking that it would be possible, she is the one who has decided to risk disappointing her DD.

Ask if you can borrow her car to take away on holiday and, when she says no, start sobbing about how terribly disappointed your DH will be, as he was so looking forward to not having to pay for the wear and tear on your own car....

SiennaSienna · 29/03/2022 17:23

I agree about not letting her use the pool while you are away. I live in another country but we have a pool too and in addition to the reasons you listed I would personally be concerned about any potential liabilities if something were to happen while you were away (to the pool or anyone using it).

ForeverLooking · 29/03/2022 17:23

I'd tell it invalidated my insurance. True or not she won't know.
If she's the type to sneak in, as others have said change the code and cover the pool with a padlock on the roll mechanism (if you have one, we could with ours but this is years back).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/03/2022 17:24

maybe she had a pool party whilst you were away and that’s why there wasn’t a lot of water in the pool when you came back
this absolutely!
The power of no is a really good one with people who keep pressurising you.
You already have so many suggestions of what to say to her.
Tell her the full chemical story I think its awful that she was willing to use your pool, but not to take care of it as instructed and as everyone has said change the gate code.
Also. "your daughter has had plenty of opportunities to use the pool - just not this week whilst we are away."
We had a similar thing with a friend asking again and again if they could store a vehicle on a shared area we had access to. It was impractical in every way so although I hate confrontation I had to keep saying no and she was furious with me and complained to all and sundry but somehow the ruder she was and the more she complained the less of a damn I gave about saying no to her. It was liberating. She made me feel that saying no was so mean... but it was mean of her to treat me that way in the first place.

NataliaSerene · 29/03/2022 17:25

Tell her the truth: that you and your husband have jointly decided that no one will use the pool while you are away. She does not need any more information than that.

If she says her daughter will be disappointed, I would say nothing and leave the silence there. I cannot think of anything polite to say in response to someone actively teaching their children to expect to use other people's resources.

BronwenFrideswide · 29/03/2022 17:25

Because I'm weak tbh and I feel selfish saying no. I have always been like that and I really really wish I wasn't. This friend walks all over me but I am not strong enough against her. She has the gate code (she wanted it for using the pool before and in case of any emergency ever).

You are not selfish at all. By saying 'No' now you can begin the process of stopping her walking all over you. Realistically if a friend treats you like this they are not your friend why do you want to keep them as such?

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed

I wouldn't give a reason as that will open a way for negotiation or guilt tripping but if you absolutely feel you have to give some reason make sure it is one that she cannot argue against. Don't be guilt tripped, she shouldn't promise things she can't deliver on not your fault.

Finally, change the number on your gate key pad and do not tell her the new number she doesn't need it.

The insurance angle other posters have suggested is interesting it may be that you require public liability insurance if you allow access to the pool.

aloris · 29/03/2022 17:25

To be honest, I think it is unsafe to let her use the pool given she was not able to figure out the chemicals. Unsafe for her and her daughter, I mean. Also, if she gets the chemicals wrong and she or her daughter become ill, you would be liable. If this were me, I would say something like, "I understand it seems like it would be so fun to use the pool, but getting the chemicals right is actually quite tricky and takes a lot of experience. It's not safe to use it if they aren't kept in the correct balance and as I'm responsible for the pool, I'm unable to let you use it this year. But when we get back, we'll be sure to invite you over to swim."

If you aren't able to stand up to her yourself (which I totally understand, I'm the same, especially with bossy people), get your dh to do it. After all, he is the one who will have to spend ages re-tweaking the chemicals when you get back and the pool is scummy.

Brideandprejudice · 29/03/2022 17:26

Let this be a turning point for you. Once you've said no once, all the next times will be easier and you can stop letting her walk all over you.

Jalepenojello · 29/03/2022 17:26

I would say it’s not convenient that week but maybe you can arrange something as a group when you return.

Branleuse · 29/03/2022 17:27

Tell her that unfortunately you are not going to be able to offer her use of the pool while youre away for several reasons. 1, that the chemicals in the pool are very specific and last time someone else used it without you, this was messed up and caused green algae and it was a lot of time and money to put right. 2. The heating will be off as its expensive to run, and 3. You actually checked your insurance recently and it is invalidated if youre not there, so after discussing it with dh, its just not worth it to allow others to use it without us.

If she tries to talk you round or guilt trip you, either ignore it completely or say " im sorry you feel that way, but im surprised as we feel that we are already generous enough with our pool and friends, but us not even being there, its still a NO im afraid.

Definitely change the code too

SofiaSoFar · 29/03/2022 17:28

I'd tell her it's a shame her daughter's not more resilient.

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