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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 25/05/2022 10:24

Sloth66 · 25/05/2022 10:12

The thing is you don’t need to conjure up any excuses! It’s your pool. She’s a pushy user and she knows you’ll cave in every time. Retract your offer. She wrecked it before, she’s not a friend. Get support if you find it hard. I’ve said no to a pushy demanding friend. Honestly it’s a relief.

Exactly.

Press see all and read all your own messages, OP.

People-pleasing some entitled pushy woman who can see how uncomfortable her request makes you, and knows you want to say no, and yet persists because she doesn't give a shit about you... What a way to live your life.

Talipesmum · 25/05/2022 10:26

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 08:12

I very begrudgingly said yes. I've not told DH yet. I thought of all the excuses under the sun to not let her use it. But at the end of the day she will know they are a lie. I dread to think what I've let myself in for.

Good luck! Hope it’s ok for you. It’s awful when you get put in a tough position. Take photos before and after, and if it happens again you know what to do. Fingers xd for you!

blueishvase · 25/05/2022 10:32

You could text on the last day with an excuse - 'sorry, friend, pool is out of action - pump needs a new part. Pool guy coming but not sure when. (And then don't text her till you are back.)

or sorry friend, DH doesn't want the heating on while we are away so the pool will be freezing, will organise a swim when we are back.

Just do a last minute cancel and change the code so she can't get in. Sometimes a little lie is better for everyone.

Sally872 · 25/05/2022 10:32

You don't have to lie. "No, chemicals are too tricky, we aren't letting anyone else use it while we are away"

PurassicJark · 25/05/2022 10:34

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 09:57

And this is why I held back posting an update because of all the backlash I knew I would get. Thanks posters !

You think our reaction is bad, wait til you get the courage to tell your husband. 😂

Happyhibiscus · 25/05/2022 10:36

Are you definitely insured to have people use the pool when your not home? I would be very concerned about the consequences of an incident/accident and how that could affect the insurance. I’m not saying money is more important than lives but if something awful was to happen that could have serious implications for you.

If you can’t use costs/ insurance as an excuse then I’d probably just “accidentally” get the key code lock to play up.
good luck

billy1966 · 25/05/2022 10:43

I presume the OP has told her insurance company that her pool is open for use for anyone via her CF friend.

I hope she has excellent "public liability" insurance included in her package and that she formally informs the insurance company that she is allowing such a facility to be used by others with her full permission, while she is NOT there.

She is leaving herself open for any accident that could occur.

Anyone so much as slips and hurts themselves, they could lob in a claim.

The complete naivety of this whole scenario is unbelievable.

lovingtheheat · 25/05/2022 10:46

Why on earth are you going to cause friction at home and an unpleasant atmosphere when you're away? I'd be furious in your DH's position and seriously consider having you stay at home to oversee the use of the pool maintenance.

Not only is it going to cost you money to hear etc, in the back of both of your minds you'll be dreading the condition of the pool
when you get back.

You do know that friends don't put actual friends in awkward positions like this? Even if they did they wouldn't argue the toss to bring you round?

Happyhibiscus · 25/05/2022 10:50

Exactly. If OP friend is happy to put her in this awkward situation in the first place, then I doubt she’d have any issue with putting a claim in should an accident happen.
I know nothing about pool maintenance etc but surely even just slightly getting chemicals wrong/ not testing water quality correctly could cause harm.

I hate saying no to people but I’d worry too much about allowing this to let it happen.

LateAF · 25/05/2022 10:58

So your friend’s opinion is more important to you than you and your husband’s time, money and peace of mind?

StaunchMomma · 25/05/2022 11:08

I'm not sure you get to moan about what you've 'let yourself in for' when you're incapable of saying no, OP.

You had really valid reasons for saying no. You explained that the pool was mismanaged last time and there's no reason to think it will go better this time.

Your friends do not have a right to use anything of yours and you don't have to worry about whether your friend thinks you are making excuses or not. You are CHOOSING to!

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/05/2022 11:20

Madness @bakedbeansandgravy

who would you prefer to be cross with uou

dh or friend

MinnieGirl · 25/05/2022 11:24

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 09:57

And this is why I held back posting an update because of all the backlash I knew I would get. Thanks posters !

But with the greatest of respect OP , you started this post! So you have to be prepared for people to comment on it.

A very wise woman once told me never ask a question unless you are sure you can deal with the answer. And that is spot on.

This post has gone to 29 pages. You have been given all sorts of very good advice, and yet ultimately you decided to go against your husbands wishes to accommodate a friend who you have admitted takes advantage of you…

You can’t really wonder why people are exasperated with you!

Ultimately it’s your pool to do with as you wish, but your husband comes way above your CF friend, and he may well start to resent that you went against his wishes. If you really are so wet you can’t say no to her just refer her to hubby who I’m sure will have no hesitation in telling her she can’t use the pool. And tell her she will need to pay in advance for the chemicals and any heating.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/05/2022 11:27

On your own head be it @bakedbeansandgravy .

Why is it easier to piss of your DH than to just say "NO" to your cheeky fucker of a friend who damaged your property last time they used the pool.

As some of the other suggestions since you updated have given you the perfect 'get out of jail free' card - particularly the one from @blueishvase about the pump being out of order (a white lie) and that you're waiting on a part and you don't know when it'll be available/installed.

Seriously - if you value your DH in any way, put a stop to the CF friend from walking all over you. My other suggestion is to get a lovely tattoo on your forehead that says "Doormat - wipe feet here"!

yellowsuninthesky · 25/05/2022 11:29

lovingtheheat · 25/05/2022 10:46

Why on earth are you going to cause friction at home and an unpleasant atmosphere when you're away? I'd be furious in your DH's position and seriously consider having you stay at home to oversee the use of the pool maintenance.

Not only is it going to cost you money to hear etc, in the back of both of your minds you'll be dreading the condition of the pool
when you get back.

You do know that friends don't put actual friends in awkward positions like this? Even if they did they wouldn't argue the toss to bring you round?

Why are you putting your "friend" above your husband?

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2022 11:30

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 08:12

I very begrudgingly said yes. I've not told DH yet. I thought of all the excuses under the sun to not let her use it. But at the end of the day she will know they are a lie. I dread to think what I've let myself in for.

Well, honestly it's absolutely your own fault.

You've had loads of advice, so no sympathy here

LookItsMeAgain · 25/05/2022 11:35

If you can't say no to her - get your DH to do it. He sounds like the type of bloke that would call a spade a spade and a cheeky fucker a cheeky fucker so let him at her!

He'll do what you so clearly can't or won't.

Dashdotdotdash · 25/05/2022 11:42

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 08:12

I very begrudgingly said yes. I've not told DH yet. I thought of all the excuses under the sun to not let her use it. But at the end of the day she will know they are a lie. I dread to think what I've let myself in for.

But they aren't a lie! Have you actually checked your insurance and whether they are happy for you to take this sort of risk?

SevernEleven · 25/05/2022 11:56

Are you the venue for her Jubillee Pool Party?

Sally872 · 25/05/2022 12:43

It's really unfair on dh as his pool too and it wasn't taken care of last time. I don't know why you think it is only your decision.

Bib1234 · 25/05/2022 13:00

Really disappointed with your response tbh - why ask on here and then not take on any advice

viques · 25/05/2022 13:01

bakedbeansandgravy · 25/05/2022 08:12

I very begrudgingly said yes. I've not told DH yet. I thought of all the excuses under the sun to not let her use it. But at the end of the day she will know they are a lie. I dread to think what I've let myself in for.

You could have told her the truth, any of the truths.

Last time she damaged your pool.

The heating will be turned off.

Your OH doesn’t want anyone else using the pool.

Your insurance cover doesn’t cover people using the pool while you are absent.

You don’t want her to have access to your pool and garden.

You are setting yourself up for an anxious holiday, wondering what you are going to find when you get back.

BorderlineHappy · 25/05/2022 13:06

@bakedbeansandgravy your poor DH.

Anyfeckinusername · 25/05/2022 13:10

Who cares if she knows your lying? (if you chose to lie).

Acheyknees · 25/05/2022 13:10

Oh dear. I would now bombard CF friend with a WhatsApp message detailing what pool chemicals need to be added and when. Then on day of holiday resend the message. Then I would stick a massive notice on the pool entrance saying what MUST be done as regards maintenance and when. And while away I would check she has done it.