Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

There’s 29 pages on this and ‘No’ nailed it in the first post !

You could always message her again and say heating the pool will cost £X, insurance is £Y and pool service is £Z. I'm going to need that up front otherwise I wont be able to let you use the pool. I have to pay for pool service because you didn't follow the instructions last time and it caused a lot of problems.

Although if you were unable to say no with an excuse, I doubt you'll be able to say that. If you could though, you will probably feel much better about yourself.

Or
change the code and when she messages you tell her that's really strange, I don't know why it's not working. Sorry. There's nothing I can do now. I'll have to get it sorted when we are home.

Well what a surprise!

Fucks sake Op don't you care about your husband at all?

Why couldn't you tell her that she fucked it up last time so it was a no this time?

Maybe your husband will tell her?

Block her access & leave a note "Husband says no!"

Let's hope he's a poor STBXH, because I'd be away with the sheer disrespect his wife has shown him. Actually, no, I wouldn't. She'd be out and wouldn't get the new key code.

Let her live with the CF as she clearly considers CF to be more important than DH. Absolutely shocking behaviour.

The disrespect you are showing towards your husband is mind boggling. It was his inheritance that paid for the pool, so I think his wishes trump your "friend's".

Bloody hell @bakedbeansandgravy

Honestly @bakedbeansandgravy, You do not need excuses -- what you do have are entirely legitimate reasons for not allowing her to use your pool while you're away.
1/she can't or won't do what's necessary to keep it in good order
2/that fact caused problems for you last time she used it
3/it involves extra costs for you in heating the pool
4/insurance - are you covered by your household insurance in the event of accident or injury to anyone using the pool in your absence, or for any damage caused?
5/and, very importantly, your DH does not want the pool to be lent out while you're away.

Please think about withdrawing your permission, citing any or all of the above.
You would not be in the least bit unreasonable. I can't stress that enough.

Won't it be a fun holiday! Dh who was 'fuming' over her usage and spoilage of the pool last time will be so relaxed at the thought he's been over-ridden to people-please a user.

The long game.

Forget the chemicals and goodwill. Does your insurance cover for other people using your pool when you're not there? What if someone drowned in there?

Do you really want to take that risk?
Sorry, my insurance won't cover me for someone else using the pool while I'm away, I'm sure you understand? and change the code on the gate. End of

Are you happy to have to deal with a Michael Barrymore type situation while you're not there? It could really happen. Just say No and change the code on your gate

Insurance will not allow it.

Tell her insurance won't allow the pool to be used when owners are not in residence.

I wish you good luck, @bakedbeansandgravy.

If your friend manages to screw it up again, I think you would be perfectly justified in banning her from your pool while you’re away from now on.

It's not over, yet!

Can you change the pin on the gate lock? Then just ignore her messages asking for the PIN. Or pretend the PIN hasn't changed and you don't know why it's not working? Take a long time to reply to each message.

Obviously the best solution here was to just say no to her, but if you really don't feel able to do that, there are other ways around this.

She has arranged a party, that’s why she is so pushy.

push back!! you have nothing to lose and will be proud of yourself for standing your ground.

say insurance doesn’t cover it, and if that doesn’t work then refer her to your husband. Good luck.

Like pretty much every one else said it either goes one of 2 ways
1- you never explained the first time round how to maintain the pool so you should give them a second chance with correct instructions.
2- you did explain how to maintain and they still messed it up then just say no.
Although if you gave crap instructions then it's your own fault to say yes in the first place, being a former LC manager and hot tub owner it's easy to get confused if not witnessing someone do the task at hand so if you didn't invite them to watch how to maintain it's your own fault.

oh dear op why you couldnt have just said after last time no i dont know

even blame your dh-poor man will have to sort it again

OP, I have a pool, I don't have such brazen and pushy friends as yours. But if i did, I would have no issue saying no.

You almost deserve the fallout for being so weak and unable to assert boundaries, not just for you but for you as a whole family. I am not sure I could look at you in the same way if I were your husband.

It's not too late to change your mind, OP.

This is a very good suggestion. As you'll be away you can legitimately ignore your phone for hours on end of your "friend" tries to contact you

Well, if she trashes the pool again you have the perfect opportunity to say to her that she can't use it again without you being around as this is the second time. You were too polite to say something last time but it's just too much hassle.
(plus MN will lynch you)

People pleasing ultimately only helps those people who are the users. They're happy - but at great cost to you!

I'm wondering, would your pushy friend be so present in your life if you didn't have a pool?

Users are often very skilled at surrounding themselves with people who have something they want.

Have you ever read /had any classes for assertiveness?? Good classes can make all the difference. Or some sessions with a really good coach/counsellor that specialises in this?

It would make so much difference to you!

I changed a lot of my behaviour in my early 20s, as I was so used to people pleasing,.from being brought up in a family where the women were very compliant.

A key issue is when you're Unassertive, it is difficult to tolerate the guilt /uncomfortable feelings with saying no to someone /stating YOUR needs... It KEEPS you permanently in a one down position.

However, as a reformed people pleaser, I know, it does get easier the more you do it!

There’s no difference between a begrudging yes and an enthusiastic yes- outcome is the same.

when this causes friction between you and your husband, don’t expect CF friend to be there for you.