Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

I would cut this person out of my life, after this, since you prioritise her own wellbeing over hers (not judging, some people are good at engineering this.) If you don't talk to her she can't ask you for shit, can she.

I feel so sorry for your DH. He is so far down your list of priorities.

What a crap holiday he's going to have worrying about the pool. He definitely has a "DW" problem.

So when your DH kicks you out for letting your CF friend use the pool (she could always go to a public one FGS), how will you feel then?
Say yes to pool use = risk marriage
Say no to pool use = risk friendship with CF user
It's a no brainer, OP! Come on!

Fuck me, just because OP doesn't do what you say doesn't mean it's acceptable for you lot (or her DH) to abuse her.

OP, it wasn't the right call but you can still withdraw the offer. Or if not and she does mess up the pool then you need to make it right rather than rely on your husband to.

There is fuck all evidence her DH will kick her out for this, you're being utterly ridiculous.

i dont know why you didnt tell her the truth as written in your opening post

This is what I always find strange about weak people who say they don't cope well with confrontation. They bring confrontations onto themselves more by how they act. Here, OP you're inviting confrontation with your husband. It could also lead to him confronting your friend. And if friend doesn't do what she is supposed to, it could lead to more awkwardness between the two of you as well. Yes she would probably say something guilt inducing if you said no, but actually on balance that would end up being less total confrontation/awkwardness overall.

My adult SD is like this. Hates confrontation but then acts inappropriately and makes poor decisions because of it meaning she is walked over by those she is avoiding confrontations from - and because they're dicks she still gets hostile situations with them- and she alienates those who would've had her back in any confrontation and creates situations with them. Over time, the more she has done this and ghosted people/acted weak and made poor decisions, the more she has isolated herself as her own behaviour towards those who ordinarily support her has been very poor in an effort to do more for those who treated her badly and she has in effect become the sort of person she is herself avoiding confrontations with (someone who takes the piss out of someone who helps her and supports her). You're doing that to your husband.

What did you expect?

What are you going to do when your DH finds out?

Yeah it's a hot tub isn't it

Presumably her DH already knows as he is closer to OP than random strangers on the internet.

And as for "what did you expect" - probably not to be abused, told her DH will leave her or give her "what she deserves", which is rather ominous if you ask me.

Next thing she'll have been "asking for it".

One of the first things I learnt from MN after joining is that No is or can be a complete sentence.

Just message the day before you go and say really sorry the pool won't be usable the filtration system isn't working. Too late notice to get someone now we will need to sort it when home. Then for next time say Dh doesn't want to let it be used unless he is there as concerned something could go wrong with the filtration system and need to pay to get resolved again.

I cannot believe that this is still ongoing.

OP you've been a bit daft here.

Have you ACTUALLY checked that your insurance actually covers this situation, like many posters have suggested?
If you're not covered for pool use while you're not there then your friend CANNOT use it.

If I were your husband, I'd be very cross.

@bakedbeansandgravy

how wet are you?! So what if she knows it’s a lie??

why are you doing this?

I would br fuming if I was your husband, really pissed off

The actual issue is that you aren’t actually really friends because if you were you could be honest.

@bakedbeansandgravy

can’t you do this op?

@gotthis

oh bore off!

a dip in the river is in no way comparable to swimming in your own pool. It’s the uk, a river will be freezing and full of shit, you’d probably get an ear infection.

im all for recycling etc and do so, but no way am I gonna curtail my quality of life to that extent for the sake of children and the planet

OP, you are getting these responses because you started this thread asking for help on ways to say no, got loads of help then used none of it and said yes!

I presume that you have checked with your insurance and that you are covered for people to use your swimming pool while you are not home? It doesn't bear thinking about how much it might cost you if somebody had an accident and your insurance wouldn't pay out.

You are upsetting your DH and it is costing you money, just because you won't say no to her.

@Lockheart

oh give over, it’s not abuse to disagree with someone’s decision and be exasperated with them that they asked for help and then flagrantly ignored it!

Sorry don't know how that happened. I'll get it removed

Hope the 'friend' has a spare room for when your hisband finds out that you've put her above him!

"She let her CF friend use our pool" is probably one of the more unusual reasons for divorce....seems a little extreme. I do wonder what planet a lot of mum's net lives on.

Deary me!

Let us know what happens when you get back from hols, Op.