Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

Simply change the code for the swimming pool just before you go away. When she calls to say she can't get in ignore the calls. If she eventually get through tell her he has gone to play gold and won't be back for 10 hours. Next day , if she pesters you say he won't tell you the new code as he says no one is to go round there when house empty. Sorry and good bye.

I’m struggling to believe this is real, no one can be this pathetic surely?

@100Stickers

its what it represents isn’t it though? Op is showing a complete lack of respect and a disregard for her husband and his feelings. I would be absolutely fuming if I were him.

This sounds perfect

Constantly undermines feelings, overrides joint decisions with her own and puts others over family might not be unusual though.

Say your home insurance won't allow it. Likely as not true.

OP you're unbelievable and I wish you were my friend 😂

These are great suggestions, but pointless.

OP prioritises "friends" over family so won't follow any of them.

It would be so easy for you now to text her and say "sorry, I've checked with DH and actually he's not happy with having people use the pool while we're away as last time we let people use it there ended up being loads of problems that took him ages to fix. Also he's pointed out that it would void our insurance. Sorry about that. See you when we're back!"

I'm really weak and pathetic and shy, and even I could manage that text, so you definitely can.

Then change the code on the keypad.

Yeah, this.
It won't even be a lie - if you allow people to use the pool when you're not there your insurance won't be valid, which could be a huge issue if something is damaged or - worse - someone has an accident and gets hurt/killed.

Except if you read the OP’s post, he doesn’t.

This message is perfect - I'd also feel very anxious in this sort of situation but I could definitely send this! In fact OP, I'd copy this word for word and get it sent.

I'm not saying it isn't inconsiderate, it will probably cause a row, but divorce? Really? I don't think there's enough information here to be jumping to these conclusions, its all a bit OTT

This was your chance to not be massively taken advantage of (your words) by your friend.

This really doesn’t make any sense. You’ve been given lots of helpful ideas and ways to say no.

You openly admit this will cost you money to heat the pool for her use. Just crazy. There were problems before both in terms of incorrect chemical usage and water levels. This will make your DH angry and cause stress. Then you will have to deal with any misuse of said pool on return from holiday.

Like others I don’t understand why you are placing friend’s wants (which are in my view very cheeky indeed) above those of yours and your DH. I just wouldn’t want somebody on my property and in my pool when on holiday fullstop. Take into account it didn’t work last time, why repeat what’s an unreasonable request in the first place.

Is any of this actually true in the first place? I'm pretty sure I've not seen a single post that says it's a good idea. There are so many things that make a bad idea from a total loss of trust with the DH to potential financial hits with insurance/ pool damage etc. Would anyone seriously prioritise a friend over this??

As it's a pool paid for by your husbands inheritance I don't see it's your call either tbh. If it was my DH I'd say what do you reckon, if he said no that's what the answer would be.

I think what will happen is that the pool won't be heated anyway. Either the husband will be annoyed, and say "they will have to use a cold pool" or he won't know and will switch the heating off because he thinks it won't be used.

Or if he has any sense he will change the gate code.

Agreed.

It’s not even your pool to lend out OP.

It’s so very selfish of you.

But hey ho, so long as you’re ok, who cares what your husband feels?

They are married. The pool belongs to both of them, not just her husband.

@Lockheart

so when you get married you can’t have any possessions of your own?

Nothing that is yours as an individual?

So for example my car - we both use it but I bought it with my money, therefore it is mine. Same with Op husband - it was his inheritance money, he bought the pool, he should have the final say on how it used.

oh wow you are such a pushover OP!

id be really annoyed if i was your DH

I feel quite sorry for the OP - a lot of women are socialised heavily that the worst thing they can be is SELFISH, when actually being selfish is fine on a lot of occasions, even healthy.

It's your pool, you worked for it. The mere fact you have something doesn't mean any rando has the right to demand it from you just because they want it.

OP, you'd probably actually really benefit from some counselling to try and help you get past the mental block that being "selfish" is an unforgivable sin when actually its an important part of looking after yourself and your family.

I do think your husband's opinion should override that of your friend.