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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 29/03/2022 13:52

Not a chance would I let this happen. OP, I really think you need to make it clear to him that it’s never happening and tell him to make sure his kids know that to avoid any more awkwardness

OverByYer · 29/03/2022 13:52

CFery!

I have a few friends who won static caravans at coastal locations and the amount of hints they get off people who think they are entitled to a freebie weekend is unbeleivable!

lifelast · 29/03/2022 13:56

So, the OP goes to Wales. Does the Ex-W stay in the OP's house? Or the ex-husbands?

The OP quite clearly describes this as her holiday home, not her main home.

I'm finding it quite odd that you are being so aggressive with me for saying that I would do a different thing.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/03/2022 14:02

My parents didn’t own a house till I was 8 or 9 and bought hundreds of miles away where it’s cheaper.

My mum said she never had so many Christmas cards before they bought it. They all come out the wood work at times like this.

Silversprinkles · 29/03/2022 14:04

@Namechangenumber23

"DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her"

I'd rephrase that as "now this has been brought up, it's easier for me to lump this onto you, for you to say yes than for me to be uncomfortable and having the conversation to tell her "no" and deal with any fall out and be seen as the bad person"

Bingo. He just doesn't want the grief when he has to tell her no. Looking for the easy way out - for him! With no thought how it makes you feel. Hmm.

forcedfun · 29/03/2022 14:08

Yanbu. I completely think this is a fine boundary to lay down.

I am good friends with DH ex, but I still feel it is important to have boundaries. Funny story - we had her round for dinner recently and when she declined wine because she was driving my 6 year old helpfully suggested DH ex could just share a bed with me and DH Grin (6 year olds logic was that this was the bed for grown ups!)

Myalternate · 29/03/2022 14:10

It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually....

It's your house and can let anyone you want stay there.
Your DP maybe assumed he was entitled to use the phrase 'we'?

Frillyfruli · 29/03/2022 14:12

@forcedfun that has reminded me of the time small DSD asked if we could buy mummy 'a wedding ring like yours and daddy's because she doesn't have one'!

MuggleMadness · 29/03/2022 14:12

@Stupified

Personally I'd have preferred her just to ask rather than drop hints, I hate that!!

My main issue here though is YOUR relationship. Are you happy? Do you see a future with DP? If so, how to do intend to secure your house in Wales? He appears to have developed a 'we' attitude to it?! Did he put time & money into the renovation? Does he see it as a joint property?

I know, especially when you each have kids settled into schools/activities/other parents, it's not always practical to live together, but you need to be careful how much if you 'life/money/future' YOU are putting into the relationship, compared to him.

He'd rather make you seem unreasonable, than upset his ex wife by saying 'no, that's not appropriate. It's not my house anyway, it's OP's'. Blue print for future behaviour!!

As for the 'Wales house'. It also sounds like his kids see it as a joint house, not yours, why is that??

If the 7yo said about mummy taking them, I think that's just 7yo normal! Your DP should have said 'No that's OP's house, it's lovely we all get to go, but only when OP is going too' or whatever, but closed it down.

As for me, it would depend which ExW we're talking about!! Some yeah, no problem, some only if I was putting down fresh footings! But YOU are not terrible saying 'no'

autienotnaughty · 29/03/2022 14:29

Awww that is very sweet

LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 14:30

@Bluebluemoon

No, YANBU to say it's not something you're comfortable with.

I think all the vitriol and "ooh, she'll be going through your drawers" comments are well out of order though.

Maybe the ex just has no money to take her dc's away and thought she'd ask? No need for all the nastiness.

Hahah some people are overreacting. However hinting is cheeky and emotionally manipulative. She wants to be ‘offered’, and that way feels no obligation to contribute.

She should either ask outright and offer to pay what she can or not mention it at all.

Eyedropeyeflop · 29/03/2022 14:33

It’s a no I would be angry if my DH actually did hint at that

CruCru · 29/03/2022 14:35

There are a couple of issues here. It’s a bit weird that the partner (who doesn’t live with the OP) has suggested lending her house to his ex-wife.

The second is that the ex-wife is hinting that she’d like to borrow it. I hate it when people hint. If they ask directly then I can say yes or no. But hinting is actually really shitty - it leaves a bad feeling that is hard to get away from. So it would be a no from me.

Ohfgsnotagain · 29/03/2022 14:45

Depends on the relationship your DP and you have with his ex wife. You’ve said yourself it’s a second home so basically a holiday home, not your main home. If she was asking to come and stay in your main home that would be beyond weird but if she’s been given the impression it’s a second/holiday home and you all get along well, have a good relationship, I can see why she’s asking.

Sgtmajormummy · 29/03/2022 14:48

It sounds like the OP’s partner sees the work he put into the house gives him some rights over it.
If his labour has brought a ruin up to a comfortable house I think the OP should give him some credit and start thinking of the house as “theirs”.

But his children are 50/50 custody and they go to Wales in HIS time only IMO.

momtoboys · 29/03/2022 14:50

Not an effing chance in the world.

Senseofsomething · 29/03/2022 15:02

If I had a second house that was empty sometimes I would let people I know use it. As long as they cleaned or paid for cleaning.

Once when I was struggling for money a friend let me use her holiday apartment for the price of cleaning. I was really grateful and I wouldn’t have expected that to become a regular thing.

But of course you can not offer/say no for whatever reason you like as it is your house.

SirChenjins · 29/03/2022 15:05

@Senseofsomething

If I had a second house that was empty sometimes I would let people I know use it. As long as they cleaned or paid for cleaning.

Once when I was struggling for money a friend let me use her holiday apartment for the price of cleaning. I was really grateful and I wouldn’t have expected that to become a regular thing.

But of course you can not offer/say no for whatever reason you like as it is your house.

I agree with this. Plus the more a second home is used the better for the local economy.
SartresSoul · 29/03/2022 15:08

YANBU, of course she shouldn’t be asking to stay in her ex’s partner’s home. Weird she wants to.

gogohm · 29/03/2022 15:10

It's a bit cheeky but I would consider the benefits of having a good relationship with her, if she's struggling financially, it would put a smile on the kids faces. My friend is divorced 20 years and still uses his ex's holiday home, we are staying with my ex later this year when we need to be in my old home city! Amicable is priceless

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/03/2022 15:11

Also I agree that hinting is maddening

Bonheurdupasse · 29/03/2022 15:36

No bloody way OP!
I would be having a very clear conversation with your DP about his apparent entitlement to your house. And depending on how that goes you might want to take back his key if he has one, in case he goes behind your back and lets his Ex have it.

ToxicBuns · 29/03/2022 15:46

Now way! I bet the mother put the child up to saying something. She would only use it as a chance to snoop and possibly use to gain more maintenance. Hard pass.

Ariela · 29/03/2022 15:59

www.thesun.co.uk/travel/18098181/haven-cheap-holidays-deals/ if he feels guilty there's cheap holidays to be had elsewhere

milkyaqua · 29/03/2022 16:00

It's rude to invite yourself, for starters. The other thing is that she is DP's ex-wife, not the OP's bestie! She should have some decorum and respect the basic boundaries of the situation.

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