Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 29/03/2022 17:33

^ the Ex still has to get to the holiday cottage and buy provisions for the week. Presumably DH pays maintenance perhaps he can increase it for a holiday.

TheHateIsNotGood · 29/03/2022 17:34

Maybe instead of asking MN ask the locals who should stay in your second home when it's empty most of the year?

TatianaBis · 29/03/2022 17:35

It’s called being in a relationship

It could be called being in a relationship if they jointly owned the house. They don't. It does not belong to the DP.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/03/2022 17:39

@TatianaBis

It’s called being in a relationship

It could be called being in a relationship if they jointly owned the house. They don't. It does not belong to the DP.

Complete nonsense. Being in a relationship usually entails having some empathy for how the other partner is feeling, which is exactly what OP is describing.
Duchess379 · 29/03/2022 17:44

Someone hadn't had their coffee today 🙄
I'm a suspicious person by nature. I don't trust anyone & I certainly wouldn't want an ex, who thinks I've got more than her, rummaging around my holiday home.
Why are you even commenting if you're grumpy & annoyed at Ops situation?!

TatianaBis · 29/03/2022 17:51

@DontBlameMe79

Being in a relationship usually entails having some empathy for how the other partner is feeling, which is exactly what OP is describing

OP is not in a relationship with the ex-wife. Neither is her DP.

DP is feeling guilty about a house that does not belong to him. It's not possession to feel guilty about.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/03/2022 17:52

"DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday."
And that's why she's a CheekyFucker. Trying to back him into a corner and manipulate him onto offering without her asking directly.

"DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward"
DP's son has likely been primed by CF.

"DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?"
We? There is no 'we' in this house. There is only 'yours'. He needs to park his (unnecessary) guilt somewhere other than on your shoulders.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/03/2022 17:53

@Duchess379

Someone hadn't had their coffee today 🙄 I'm a suspicious person by nature. I don't trust anyone & I certainly wouldn't want an ex, who thinks I've got more than her, rummaging around my holiday home. Why are you even commenting if you're grumpy & annoyed at Ops situation?!
OP said she was looking for a range of views, so I’m obliging. But the reaction on this thread is really mean spirited to an extent even I’m surprised by. But I suppose this is MN.

And what are you worried someone might find if they rummaged around - it’s a holiday home after all not Buckingham Palace.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/03/2022 17:54

[quote TatianaBis]@DontBlameMe79

Being in a relationship usually entails having some empathy for how the other partner is feeling, which is exactly what OP is describing

OP is not in a relationship with the ex-wife. Neither is her DP.

DP is feeling guilty about a house that does not belong to him. It's not possession to feel guilty about.[/quote]
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read this week.

TillyTopper · 29/03/2022 18:05

No way should you (or he) let her go there. Cheeky mare.

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 18:06

@Pumperthepumper
Out of interest, are you taking in a Ukrainian refugee?

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2022 18:07

[quote NdefH81]@Pumperthepumper
Out of interest, are you taking in a Ukrainian refugee?[/quote]
No, I don’t have a spare room.

headspin10 · 29/03/2022 18:15

@Bookworm20 that sounds like a really good set up.

It depends so much on your relationship with her. I think if things were amicable enough I would also go against the grain and possibly offer it once, but only if I felt she would appreciate it, and if there was a spare room so she wasn't staying in our room and, as seems to be the case, if she has limited other options.

If it went well and I felt she appreciated it then I might offer again, but only if she didn't assume it could be a regular thing. Maybe this is really controlling, I don't know Confused.

DelurkingLawyer · 29/03/2022 18:29

Now you have a holiday home, you will find yourself beset by CFs on all sides (remembering that Mexican house thief, one of the most memorable CF stories of all time, was about a holiday home).

You’ll need to learn to say no, repeatedly and unashamedly. Consider this good practice.

LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 18:39

@DelurkingLawyer

Now you have a holiday home, you will find yourself beset by CFs on all sides (remembering that Mexican house thief, one of the most memorable CF stories of all time, was about a holiday home).

You’ll need to learn to say no, repeatedly and unashamedly. Consider this good practice.

In honour of...
LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 18:39

20/04/2013 14:52 WeAreEternal

may this story outlive us all. glory to MN

cherish123 · 29/03/2022 18:47

Don't if you don't want to.
Ignore all hints. If she asks, so that you don't rent ot to friends and can't afford heating etc so can't let it for free.

Bignanny30 · 29/03/2022 18:47

No

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2022 18:55

@DontBlameMe79 tough on her and the kids? Did you miss the bit where the OP says the dp’s kids go with them there? No-one is missing out, the house has nothing to do with the DP’s ex.

Weird. I think the DP needs to lay off telling the OP what ‘mummy’ has said and should remind the kids, as a pp said, that he is the OP’s friend, not their mummy.

browneyes77 · 29/03/2022 18:59

DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her

“We”?? Who the fuck is ‘We’?!

If his name isn’t on the deeds to that sucker, there is no ‘We’ and he doesn’t get a say in who stays there!

Duchess379 · 29/03/2022 19:13

So, by your reckoning, because Op has a holiday home that isn't Buckingham palace, that she should let the ex holiday there, sleep in her bed & have an opportunity to go through her personal stuff, because it's only a holiday home & she should be generous to the less fortunate ex?!
*mindblown

HellToTheNope · 29/03/2022 19:16

@DontBlameMe79

If you’re on reasonable terms with the ex, I’d say yes. A nice gesture, good for inter family relations and the kids. And especially if she doesn’t have a lot of money.

The visceral “no” reaction on this thread to the idea is very ugly…

Ok, Mother Teresa. 🙄
agent765 · 29/03/2022 19:27

Just wondering what the insurance situation would be if something happened.

It would be a no from me. She's an ex for a reason. He should remember that.

FangsForTheMemory · 29/03/2022 19:46

It sounds to me as though her child has been primed to ask you.

KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 19:47

No way. She might burn it down.

Swipe left for the next trending thread